I Gotta go where it’s Warm (part I)

The next time I hear the word “wintery mix” my unmotivated ass is staying home, especially if I hear it on a Monday morning.. “Wintery mix” is a cute little compound word created by the weather forecasting community. It’s a veiled way of saying “We don’t have a freakin’ clue on what’s going to fall from the sky today so let’s just cover all the possible scenarios shall we?” Snow..Maybe? Rain..Maybe? Freezing rain…Maybe?. A frozen meteor… Sure, why not?

You and I have just as good a shot at forecasting wintertime misery as well as any of the Doppler radar worshipping geeks on the local news.

Due to forecast uncertainty I left the house with the following ensemble of gear: umbrella, boots, shovel, gloves, raincoat, hat, and flashlight. I looked like a schizophrenic poster boy in a vacation in Florida ad. Carrying all this shit made my balance worse that it usually is, so after my ass hit the icy driveway I slid feet first into my car door with the ferocity of a hitter trying to stretch a bloop single into a double.

My tailbone hurt like a son of a bitch from the fall. My next door neighbor; a male nurse named Garth and his friend/domestic partner Jay happened to be leaving their love nest at the same exact time and saw me take the spill. They ran over in matching Ugg boots and helped me to my feet. To avoid any possible awkwardness, I apologized to Garth and Jay in advance before clutching my throbbing ass area and told both; “It’s nothing personal”.

Garth looked at me and said “No offense taken Will, we saw you fall, it appears that you bruised your coccyx” . “If you really saw the fall you’d realize that I fell on my ass, not my front so my cocks is fine, and it needs no attention… medical or otherwise!” I gruntingly responded.

Garth said “Your coccyx is your tailbone, about three inches north of your rectum, and above and between the buttocks muscles” My inner monologue said the following: “Does he know these facts because of his job as a nurse, or because of his fascination with all things butt?” I was proud of myself for not blurting out this question to Garth and Jay. I have a surplus of neighbors who already hate me and I don’t know if they are accepting any new applicants. I thanked them for their help and they went on their way to the hospital where they work together on the same floor as register nurses.

From my experiences I know that when a husband and wife work together it usually leads to divorce. I’ve seen it happen twice, and they were the only two married couples that I ever worked with. Ironically, both couples met at work, and after the divorce one of the spouses had to leave the company because if they stayed someone would have been killed, or at the very least seriously injured. The one woman left her husband for another guy at work. After the divorce, both the woman and her new boyfriend left the company; much to the delight of the rest of us.

We didn’t want to get caught up in the gun play if and when the jilted ex-husband finally went postal on the happy new couple in the lunchroom. You see, the ex had coke bottle glasses and the realistic chance of him only mowing down just those two without any collateral damage (i.e. the rest of us) was real remote. We were all caught between a rock and hard place. None of us wanted to die, but nobody wanted chip in to get the poor bastard Lasik surgery either. So we did the next best thing; we got coke bottles hooked-up with another woman as soon as possible, and made sure she didn’t work with us. Thank you e-Harmony.com!

I don’t know how it works for gay couples?? Could it be the same? This is a topic ‘Ellen’ may want to tackle sometime. The old saying “Don’t get your honey where you get money” suddenly comes to mind...