Friday, November 16, 2007

Late Night Hosts Roast Jay Leno

Since the late night talk show hosts will be off the air for awhile they decided it was as good a time as ever to roast one of their own. Letterman, Leno, O’Brien, Kimmel, and Ferguson all got together to decide who the subject would be. Everyone but Leno raised his hand when the following question was posed: “Everyone who thinks we should roast Jay Leno raise your hand”. Nobody realized Carson Daly was still on the air so he didn’t get a vote.

Since Jimmy Kimmel is a veteran Comedy Central Roast emcee, he is the host…

Kimmel: We all came here tonight to roast a comedy legend, a late night icon, and all around great guy, but Arsenio Hall couldn’t make it. He’s got the late shift at KFC this week and he had to close.

What can we say about Jay Leno that hasn’t been said throughout the years? That he’s not a total prick? They say he looks like a skunk with that black and white head of hair. I don’t know if looks like a skunk or not, but he sure smells like shit.

Jay Leno has threatened every single person I ever tried to book on my show. He said if they do my show, they will never be able to get on his show. I wish to hell he would threaten Cousin Sal, Jeff Ross, and Adam Carolla.

Our first presenter tonight could fit most of that $31 million a year through the gap in his front teeth…Ladies and Gentleman --David Letterman

Letterman: A round of applause for Jimmy Kimmel, the last comedian in America to bang Sarah Silverman. She’s fucked more comedians than Last Comic Standing.

Jay Leno and I go way back, I put him on my show when he was a nobody. We both wanted Johnny’s job hosting The Tonight Show. I patiently hosted my NBC late show at 12:30 waiting for Johnny to retire. Jay on the other hand, kissed ass with NBC brass and trashed talked every possible candidate who was considered for the job. Leno threw more people under the bus than the NY Metro mechanic’s union. But, I make $31 mil a year and you make $27 mil a year, and Carson liked me better. I own my show, you don’t, I’m not getting the boot in 2009, but you are. But I’m not bitter or anything -- FUCK YOU JAY!

Kimmel: Glad your not bitter Dave. I can’t understand a word this next guy says. But they tell me he has a show on CBS that competes with my show. I sure hope it’s broadcasted with subtitles, or maybe I don’t. Here is Craig Ferguson

Ferguson: Thanks Jimmy Kimmel. One week Jimmy flew to back and forth from LA to NY each day to do Regis and Kelly…..I guess you could say he’s a bi-coastal bi-sexual.

As many might know, I replaced Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show on CBS. I just saw Craig and he’s doing fine. In fact he was driving a 2007 Rolls-Royce Phantom….it was Leno’s he was Valet parking it tonight.

Dave Letterman was kind enough to allow me to get the job I now have. All I had to do was capture his latest stalker and make sure she was deported. It was easy, I just gave my sister airfare back to Scotland.

Jay Leno gave me one good piece of advice when I started this job. It was “Stay away from my fucking guests or I’ll send you back to Scotland without your kilt. Do you understand me?” I always appreciated the kind words Jay.

I try to pattern my show after Jay’s show, except with comedy. Jay Leno’s monologues are as fresh as Oprah’s panties after a day of taping ten consecutive shows without a bathroom break. His non-rehearsed banter with band leader Kevin Eubanks sets race relations back fifty-years. We get it, the black musician smokes weed. Way to work the stereotypes Jay! This is the part where I’m supposed to say something nice about you. Okay, you have a great guest rolodex. Can I borrow it when you get fired in 2009?

Kimmel: I still didn’t understand a word. This next guy is so white and thin the electricians tried to replace a burned-out fluorescent bulb in the studio with him. Put your hands together for the reason Jay Leno will be collecting unemployment next year….Conan O’Brien.

O’Brien: Thanks Jimmy, I hate to be the one to tell you the bad news, but they just deported Guillermo, and Uncle Frank had a heart attack fighting off the immigration officers. Just kidding, but seriously I did tea bag Sarah Silverman once, true story.

I see Carson Daly out in the audience tonight. Like the rest of us, Carson has free time because his writers on are strike and his show is dark. That’s amazing. Not the fact that he’s here tonight, but that piece of shit show actually has writers. Steven Hawking has more charisma than Carson Daly.

They say Jay Leno is unfriendly, humorless, vindictive, insecure, and a bad interviewer. I say that’s bullshit…he’s friendly.

When I was going to leave NBC and go to FOX they made the decision that I’d replace Jay in 2009. Soon after Jay called me…..every expletive he could think of. He tried everything to get me to leave NBC, he said he would give me any of his beloved two-hundred cars, except the 1986 Hyundai, that’s where he and his wife Mavis first made love. When Jay introduced me to Mavis, I thought he married Al Franken. Yikes, now I know why he works so damned much.

But really Jay, you’ve never supported me, you’ve never said a kind word about me, and soon I’ll have your job. So good luck to you….you prick!

Kimmel: Middle America loves him, but we all hate him. The reason we’re all here tonight… Ladies and Gentlemen Mr. Jay Leno

Leno: I really need to thank Jimmy Kimmel. Not for hosting the roast tonight, but for replacing me as the ugliest host on late night TV. That’s one gig I don’t mind losing believe me.

Jimmy Kimmel is as important to the late-night TV landscape as Matt Lauer.

So many late-night talk show hosts are here tonight it’s really quite amazing. I had sort of a good news bad news thing happen to me last night at the hotel. The good news…All the hosts chipped-in and sent a blonde dancing stripper to my room for a lap dance…. The bad news is it was Ellen DeGeneres… She took everything off but the Converse low tops.

Craig Ferguson. You used to be on a top-ten primetime show; The Drew Carey Show. Now you are on at 12:30 at night and no one watches you. Nice downward career move there Scotty!! By the way Letterman’s Proctologist called, he said during Dave’s exam he noticed you had an ear infection. You might want to get that checked out.

Conan O’Brien. How is that I get treated like the red-headed step child by NBC and you take my job? Just so you know, I’m taking all the good furniture, and the stuff I leave will be covered with more DNA than the UCLA Forensics laboratory.

David Letterman. True, you do make a few million more, and you do own your own show, and Johnny probably liked you better than me. But Johnny’s dead and I’ve beaten you every night in the ratings for the last ten years much like the LAPD beat Rodney King. So, can’t we all just get along?

But if not, all of you losers can kiss my rich soon to be retired ass!!

1 comment:

Smithers said...

Awesome roast! I can't stand Leno and Carson Daly is a tool. That picture is killer