It’s a Dog Eat Dog, Man Eat Dog World

It is only fitting that the best hotdog eater in the world should have a last name that is a food. Joey Chestnut won the Mustard Belt prize for the most hotdogs ever eaten. Has anyone every eaten a chestnut? I know they roast on an open fire because I've heard in that Christmas song, but I’ve never heard anyone proclaim the tasty goodness of the chestnut, unlike say honey roasted nuts. I could eat them all day and night.

Chestnut, the dude not the food nobody eats, chowed down on sixty-six hotdogs in twelve minutes to win the July 4th Coney Island, NY competition. Having no prior knowledge of the event or Joey Chestnut, I turned on the last few minutes of ESPN Sports Center thinking Lance Armstrong had come out of the closet.

Let me explain….Chestnut bears a striking resemblance to Armstrong. He was giving his victory speech “I just love Nathan’s hotdog” is the only part I heard. I thought Lance rebounded from Cheryl “I use one square to wipe” Crowe with some cat named Nathan. For Lance’s sake I hope Nathan keeps the back door cleaner than Cheryl. If he uses two squares he is theoretically twice as hygienic.

It turns out I was mistaken, which happens a lot. Nathan’s hotdogs are the sponsor of the event. I don’t think Lance or Chestnut like dudes, but they still look a like.

Chestnut; who is twenty-three defeated defending champ Takeru Kobayashi, a twenty-eight -year-old from Japan, who entered the competition with a jaw injury but still managed to eat sixty-three hotdogs. Jaw injury? Maybe Kobayshi is gay?

Neither of these guys are fat. Chestnut is about 215lbs. and Kobayshi can’t be more than 150lbs. I fully expected the world champion hotdog eater to look like Michael Moore.

Is it possible to be TOO FAT to be a serious competitive eater? I’ve heard of boxers being over trained and losing in big bouts. Can you imagine this happening with a competitive eater; “Look at that fat bastard how dare he come in that kind of shape for this contest, you know he doesn’t take his over eating seriously enough to let himself get so out of shape before a match. He’s much too FAT to be considered a world class eater. He needs to go back to the buffet and start training again!!”

Kobayashi and Chestnut were in a virtual dead heat until Kobayshi resembled me after the 12th shot of Jagermeister at my bachelor party and puked all over the table.

Critics of competitive eating call the competition a “vulgar display” that should not be treated as a real sport. I vehemently disagree with this opinion. I fully endorse competitive eating and I’d like to see competitive drinking as well.

There are plenty of “vulgar displays” that should not be treated as real sports; Synchronized swimming, Greco Roman wrestling, and men’s figure skating are just a few that leap to mind. But competitive eating is not one…until they puke of course.