Thursday, February 01, 2007

I Gotta go where it’s Warm (part III)

After just missing at least three head on collisions, three of which were my fault, it was a relief to have to deal with the stress of work. I arrived to find the prick standing at my cubicle, coffee in hand ala Bill Lumbergh in ‘Office Space’ and I was a snow-covered pissed off Peter Gibbons.

“Your late” he chirped. Not wanting to get drawn into a pissing contest that I couldn’t win about the snowstorm I replied; “Yea I’m late, I overslept because my crappy alarm clock didn’t go off” He smirked and said “Technically, your not late because we have a two hour delayed opening because of the snowstorm , but of course I was here an hour ago” Ever the wise-ass I replied “It snowed today?” “Delayed opening? “So, I should be getting paid overtime since I’m not really supposed to be here yet, right?” The prick shook his head in disgust, sipped from a coffee mug he no doubt bought for himself which read; “Our Fearless Leader” then stormed away from my cube.

A quick gander around the office revealed I was the only brave soul besides the prick (not a brave soul); who made it to the office.

Lucky me.

I could see from the office window the snow was still furiously dropping from the sky without any signs of relenting. Because of the 40mph winds the snow was also beginning to drift. Roughly ¼ of the window was now covered by a sloping wave of snow. What the hell was I thinking? I should have never gotten out of bed.

I turned on the radio on my absent co-workers desk only to hear that all major roads in the area were officially closed until further notice. Only emergency vehicles were allowed to travel in the surrounding area. A news announcer warned folks to stay in their houses and he read a directive from the governor urging all businesses to close for the day.

Snowed in just me and the prick!! Are you shitting me?? This can’t get any worse. That’s just when it got worse…I was sulking in the cubicle when the prick emailed five spreadsheets previously worked on by co-workers who were smart enough to stay the hell home. He said I needed to finish the accounts receivable on five new customers by the end of day. I asked him what the hurry was since everyone will be back tomorrow after they dig out. He said today was the last day of the 2nd quarter and if the customer data wasn’t submitted to corporate by the end of the day, we couldn’t charge the revenue to this quarter and I would be in big trouble.

I didn’t know what the hell I was looking at since I’m a marketing guy, not an accounting guy, which by the way, the prick was well aware of.

I asked him to help and he said he has a Masters in engineering , not in accounting, but added he could have slept-walked his way to an MBA if he wanted to because business courses are a joke compared to engineering. For spite he added; "You have a B.S. in Business, right?" He then told me I was on my own and I better not make any mistakes. He said if we don’t get these numbers to corporate, heads will roll – starting with my mine. He smirked again and said he needed another cup of coffee, then left my cube. As he left I wished him death…in my mind only. But, I think he knows how I feel about him, the same way we all feel about him, we disdain him intensely.

The last thing I recall clearly was a loud noise that sounded like breaking tree branches, and then everything went blank. When I finally came to I was buried under a small avalanche of snow, mixed with florescent light, mixed with acoustic ceiling tiles. The roof had fallen in!!

I struggled to pull myself up and out. My coccyx ; which was just starting to feel better, now felt as though it was on the receiving end of a sledge hammer blow. The whole office was covered with snow-mixed debris. The blizzard was happening in the office. Computers, telephones , printers, fax machines, coffee makers, file cabinets, and pictures all covered by snow and roofing supplies.

I made it over to where the prick’s luxurious office used to be. It resembled downtown Baghdad, that is, if Iraq ever had a snowstorm after three days of intense bombing. Against my better judgment I started a reconnaissance mission in search of the prick. He was buried near a laser printer which appeared to have just printed a banner with his picture and the phrase “BOSS, YOU'RE THE GREATEST!!” It also had a Post-it note stuck to it that in his hand writing read “get employee signatures here” and several arrows. I found him face down with coffee mug still in hand and he appeared to be dead. There is a God!!

After an intense internal debate which I lost to the decent me; the one my mother likes; I decided to try and get him some help. I hated him enough not to want to waste my minutes trying to broker his survival, so I searched for an office phone, but couldn’t find one. I relented and opened my cell phone but couldn’t get service to dial out. I dug up an office phone, no dial tone.

Through his fleshy neck I felt for a pulse which I couldn’t get. What I was about to do I would live to regret, I was adamant about this prediction. I flipped his snow covered carcass over so he was now face up, smirk still firmly planted on his plump mug . I pinched his bulbous hair filled nose, open his mouth and performed mouth to mouth resuscitation. The taste of garlic was overpowering but I soldiered through for roughly two minutes before he cut loose with a hellacious “I want to live, I want to live” cough that nearly knocked me unconscious . I felt like John Wayne Bobbitt’s surgeon having just saved a prick.

He looked at me with bewildered eyes and asked “What happened??”, I told him how I just saved his life!! From that point on “the prick” became “the pal” The pal braced himself against me for support and we both left the shell of what used to be our offices. We walked out to the end of our industrial park and flagged down a large yellow plow truck.

The driver said “What the hell happened to you two?” “Sledding accident” I shot back. He drove us to the nearest hospital, where the pal was treated for a separated shoulder and fractured ribs. I thought about having my head examined for leaving my house. The pal was kept overnight for observation. “Will, you saved my life, your career is going to take off for what you did!”

Great, I thought to myself I have to explain to my co-workers how I saved the hated bosses life and my “coincidental” subsequent career advancement. The pal added “I mean it, things are going to really happen for you, I owe you”. “You know I’m thinking of adding a senior manager to our division” My head was really starting to hurt along with coccyx. I asked “Do you know of any openings in the Miami office? He said “As I matter of fact I do!”

I answered back “That’s great, because I gotta go where it’s warm”

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