Hoffensive

Seth MacFarlane- He’s got a real mind for animation, face for radio, and voice for silent films

Lisa Lampanelli - I saw her at the gym the other day doing squats, Snoop Dog and his entourage fell out of her

Gilbert Gottfried – He’s Paul Ruebens without the masturbation rap. With those squinty eyes Pam Anderson could blindfold him with her pubes if she still had any

Pam Anderson –Brett Michaels, Tommy Lee, Kid Rock. She’s banged so many tone deaf musicians the sex videos are available in closed captioning

Jerry Springer - Is to TV, what herpes is to genitalia

Hulk Hogan- He looks like my Aunt Louise; except she’s less feminine, has a fuller moustache, and athletic ability

Jeff Ross- For once I wish they would roast Jeff Ross, and it was 1939, and this was Germany

Whitney Cummings-Her jokes never have a punch line, she’s Dana Cook

George Hamilton -He no longer speaks with his ex-wives or daughters, but has a great relationship with the sun.

Greg Giraldo-The only other thing whiter than him to originate from Columbia is cocaine

David Hasselhoff – Hurry look in KITT’s trunk! That’s where you’ll find the only tune Hasselhoff can carry

Top 5 Movies Mel Gibsons glad he didn’t make..

Schindler’s List
Scent of a Women
Yentl
Madea’s Family Reunion
When a Man Loves a Woman

It Starts Young

Beyond Pathetic

Birds Perishing, Big Puddle, British Payback, Busted Pump, Bayou Pissed, Billions Paid, Bring Paddles, Butt Plug, Barack Problem, Black Pool, Broken Promises, Better Punish, Buying Prius

Super size my poison please..

Do.do.do.do.dooo...I'm contaminated'

An Inconvenient Marriage

Tipper: Al, I think we need to live in different environments

Al: Tipper I’ve been saying that for years! Global warming is killing our environment

Tipper: Not that environment! I want a divorce! Do you hear me?

Al: Is this because of the BP oil leak in the Gulf?

Tipper: What oil spill?

Al: Have I taught you nothing after all these years?

Tipper: Oh that’s right I forgot you have first hand experience with premature gushers!

Al: Tipper let’s not do this now, not here.

Tipper: Argh! Story of our marriage!

Al: I want you to really think about it while I am away. We can save the planet and our marriage! Ok I am off to Greenland to lecture on the melting polar ice caps. They will pay me $50k for an hour long talk.

Tipper: You want those fucking ice caps to stop melting do you?? Move them into our fucking bedroom!! It’s the MOST FRIGID PLACE ON EARTH!!!

Pass it On

Answer: We Are the World

Question: Name the ‘80s smash hit by musical superstars known as USA for Africa to provide famine for relief for Africa and all the people who knew Ricky Martin was queer.

Ride to Live, Live to Ride..chicks with ink

The dude’s name is Jesse James, he rides Harleys, on when he’s not riding Harleys, he working on them. He sports sleeves of ink on both arms. What do you expect him to do when the wife’s on location thousands of miles away shooting sappy chick-flicks? Is he supposed to pen her love letters and count the days ‘til she returns? Is he supposed to dust the house and water the flowers?

Of course not!! He’s bangs a chick with a tatooed forehead that looks like Marilyn Manson who wears Nazi gear!

The dude's name is Jesse James...

As long as he's not Directing...

Too fat to fly? I don't know, I'll leave that to the discretion of the airlines. I mean they're so good with everything else like spotting shoe and underwear bombers and getting my luggage safely to Chicago while me and my carry-on are headed to LA

Too untalented to make movies? Yes and yes again, I've seen some of the piles of shit he's responsible for.

Southwest should compromise, "You can fly with us, but the only in-flight movies for you are 'Jersey Girl' and 'Zack and Miri Make a Porno' ".... That will keep his fat-ass off the plane. This fat bastard may start biking across America...It's a win-win!

White Chamberlain

Warren Beatty slept with 13,000 women. He has a brother Todd, not an actor, but a chemist who’s never gotten laid. His nickname is "Master Beatty".

Jon and Kate Minus Fifteen

Let's be amicable in the divorce and split up the five minutes of fame we have left equally...here's your 2.5 minutes.

Idol Worship

SIMON: Ryan, It feels as if you're checking me for a hernia

RYAN: That was so five minutes ago..now it's just for thrills

Hole in One?

Tiger: I swear to God I was just teaching her the game of golf, but nothing physical happened!

Wife: I need you to answer this one question: Did she handle your driver?

Tiger: Hmm, can you excuse me for a minute? I’ll be right back I have to play this next shot into the fire hydrant and then into the biggest tree in the front of our house. If things work out I'll be a four handicap when I am finished

Third Party System

"Keep this quiet but I have no business being here in the White House. No credentials, no real political experience to speak of, I am just crashing this Democratic party, haha !

That’s so funny because it’s the same deal for my wife and I ”

When I say jump.....

Stedman: Oprah is it true you're retiring after next year?

Oprah: YES. I announced it on MY SHOW! Weren't you watching that day??

Stedman: Umm..sorry, but no dear. I was dusting the house like you told me to do.

Oprah: You missed MY SHOW? That's it. You're grounded for two weeks and no allowance!

Stedman: I deserve it. But what I am going to do once you retire?

Oprah: Same thing you do right now, which is everything I say and even more of it and I'll be around more often to make sure you don't screw up!

Stedman: I love you pookie bear!

Oprah: Rub my bunions...NOW!

New Moon, Gone Soon!

Hello all – My name is Robert Pattinson and my movie The Twilight Saga: New Moon has had the third-biggest opening weekend in film history grossing $140.7 million during its first weekend in theaters in the U.S. alone.

Yeah I know I don’t get it either; Vampires?? Bollocks! The heartthrob thing is quite puzzling as well. Christ, I am average looking bloke with funny eyes and a constant uni-brow should I miss a day of shaving. And If I was any paler, I would be invisible, but all the birds still fancy me.

Go figure?

Oh yeah one more thing I almost forgot to mention my agent worked out a percentage of the box office gross as my salary, so please see this steaming pile of dung more than once if you haven’t already.

So, have fun at your 9-5 tomorrow that is if you even have a job given the economy and all. You may or may not see me again, I mean I don’t really have to work again if I don’t want to.

Cheers

Running Through My Mind

I'd love to see her run my neighborhood....just not my country

Barking Out Bad Signals

That last time I saw him on the field in New York he really killed…unfortunately it was at The Westminster Dog Show

It Runs in the Family

Dad, does drug addiction run in our family? Now might not be the best time to drop this on you son, but your real dad is Woody Allen.

Pitt Stop

Honey, we need to stop and pick something up after this. Okay are you running low on smokes? No, I am running low on third world kids, we have to hit the adoption agency for a refill.