E-Harmony Disaster (Part I)

She looked like someone famous but I couldn’t place.. I stared at the photo for a few more seconds before it hit me. Denise Richards, that’s not too bad at all. I didn’t expect to see a Denise Richards look-a-like looking to meet someone on E-Harmony, it’s a good thing I don’t look likes Charlie Sheen. She listed her age as 29, she owns a business, in her spare time teaches a spinning class at the Y, volunteers at a homeless shelter, her specialty in the kitchen is French food, only drinks occasionally, I won’t hold that against her. She doesn’t smoke, no pets, enjoys threesomes with a guy she met online and her hottest girlfriend (okay I threw that one in there)

After a few long phone conversations we decided to meet. We were to meet at a restaurant half-way between her house and mine. Her name is Jill I told her my real name was Jack just to break the ice during our first phone chat. She thought that was the cutest thing, Jack and Jill went up the hill….and you know the rest of it….to fetch a pail of water, Jack fell down and Jill hopped on top they banged like jackrabbits. So, I already started off with a lie about my name but I figured I better stick with it. I could either be Jack and possibly get laid or tell her I lied and my name is not Jack, and go home and Jack-off.

I got to the restaurant and there were all kind of single hotties roaming about. Which one was Jill? Look for Denise Richards dummy. We were supposed to meet at 7:00, but since I hadn’t been laid in weeks, ok months I decided to get there early so I didn’t screw it up. There was one girl at the bar that I thought looked like Denise Richards, and she was by herself sipping a glass of wine. After two quick pints of Swithwicks I went you to her and asked “Are you Jill?” She looked at for second without saying anything. So. I asked again “Is your name Jill?” She put her hands together and mumbled something that I couldn’t make out. She put two fingers out and made a circle with the other hand. It look like the hand gesture for screwing. I thought she was joking around so I did the same thing back to her but faster, that’s when I felt someone grab the back of shirt and pull me. “Are you making fun of my girlfriend you asshole” I turned around to make eye contact with the pissed off boyfriend, my eyes met his chest as he was about a foot taller than me. I looked up the way a scolded child looks up to his pissed off father who just found out the kid has cut school for the last week. I craned my neck as best I could and said “I didn’t know she was your girlfriend” “She’s deaf and you were making fun of her” At this point I questioned her eye sight as well. This cat looked like Frankenstein’s ugly older brother.

I thought maybe the deaf girl tried to break-up with but she can’t talk and he probably can’t read sign language or ever read at all. So she couldn’t communicate with him, so she’s stuck with him, and now he’s about to kick my ass because she’s deaf and he’s dumb and I didn’t know it….

My Oscar Predictions about Movies I didn't See

Actor in a Leading Role

Sean Penn (Milk)- I thought this film was about the ethical treatment of cows and the vast benefits of Vitamin D, boy was I utterly surprised!. Sean Penn acts gay we get it! You don’t have to ram it down our throats…so to speak. What do you think attracted Madonna to him in the first place?

Frank Langella (Frost/Nixon)- Is the state of the movie business that bad that we need to make movies based on an insignificant TV interview thirty years ago? Frank Langella’s response: “Hell yes and thank God”.

Richard Jenkins (The Visitor)- I suffered through Stepbrothers with John C. Reilly and Will Ferrell. Richard Jenkins was the best part of the movie.

Brad Pitt (The Curious Case of Benjamin Button)- A guy regresses from a man to a child …according to my wife that describes me for the five years of our marriage.

(X) Mickey Rourke (The Wrestler)- Mickey Rourke’s done more damage to his career for the last fifteen years than the plastic surgeon or other wrestlers did to his face… he deserves to win.

Actor in a Supporting Role

Josh Brolin (Milk)- He had milk all over his top lip, calm down it wasn’t Harvey…he did a milk ad.

Robert Downey Jr. (Tropic Thunder)- Does he really need the Jr. in his name. Nobody knows who his dad is. He plays a white guy pretending to be black, think Justin Timberlake in a war setting.

Philip Seymour Hoffman (Doubt)- He plays a gay priest…Rev. Philip Seymour Hinee.

(X) Heath Ledger (The Dark Knight)- He’s dead he won’t mind if he loses, but the Academy will give him the Oscar just to save ten minutes of air time on the acceptance speech he won’t give.

Michael Shannon (Revolutionary Road)- I’ve never heard of him and he won’t win, but at least he isn’t dead.

Actress in a Leading Role

Anne Hathaway (Rachel Getting Married)- She went from Disney movies to being a total freak….and I like it.

Angelina Jolie (Changeling)- Even if she doesn’t win she is going to legally adopt Oscar and make Brad Pitt stay home and take care of him.

Melissa Leo ( Frozen River)- She is the Michael Shannon of the group.

(X) Meryl Streep (Doubt)- A nun looking to kick some serious ass…Is there any other type? America’s best actress will get another one for her trophy case.

Kate Winslet (The Reader)- Ricky Gervais gave her good advice about the Holocaust movie, if she wins she has to bring him up on stage so he can talk about himself for ten minutes.

Actress in a Supporting Role

Viola Davis (Doubt)- Never heard of her.

Amy Adams (Doubt)- Never heard of her.

(X) Penelope Cruz (Vicky Cristina Barcelona)- She’s hot, and she had the smarts to get away from that whack-job Tom Cruise. I hope she wins.

Taraji P. Henson (The Curious Case of Benjamin Button)- Never heard of her.

Marisa Tomei (The Wrestler)- Like’s to take her clothes more than we like to see it now that she’s in her forties.

Best Picture

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button- Looks like a good movie not good enough to shell out $12 at the ticket counter. I’ll wait for the DVD.

Frost/Nixon- Maybe thirty years ago some people would have found this an interesting movie.

Milk- He does a Male body good. This movie really sneaked up on Oscar from behind.

The Reader- Holocaust flick, it’s Schindler without his list.

(X) Slumdog Millionaire- An Indian movie directed by an Englishman of Irish decent will win an Oscar in America…What a great world we live in.

Finger Lickin' Gold

Colonel Sanders' handwritten recipe for fried chicken was back in its Kentucky this week after five months in hiding while KFC upgraded security around its top corporate secret.
Call Homeland Security the Colonels secret recipe is being transported! Detainees fought guards and broke through the maze of maximum security at Gitmo in droves upon hearing that the secret recipe may be in a compromising position. “I pray with all my might to Allah that he gives me the wisdom and strength to capture the 11 herbs and spices”.

We can all sleep all sleep easy knowing the Colonel’s original recipe was returned from an undisclosed location to KFC's headquarters in a lockbox handcuffed to the wrist of a security consultant. The poor security consultant has to go home and recap his exciting day with the wife. “How was work today honey? Did you work with the CIA, FBI, or Homeland Security on critical issues of national security?” “Not quite, I was handcuffed to the Colonel’s original recipe as I drove to Kentucky”. “What?? Mother always told me you were freaking LOSER”

The Colonel? That’s an interesting name isn’t it? Did he have a military background? Thanks for asking it turns out he did. What are his military credentials? Bronze star? Purple heart?…..Head cook at the Commissary? It turns out he was in the Army but only achieved the rank of Private. You shouldn’t being calling yourself a Colonel when you’re just a Private, that’s not right. I like to golf but I’m not running around calling myself Tiger.

And the KFC slogan: Finger lickin’ good- Don’t encourage this type of behavior it’s not very sanitary. And if you are so compelled to lick your fingers please wash-up first. KFC may be the only business in the world that can get away with this slogan: Finger lickin’ good. This slogan could never be used in the medical community. “Hi Dr. Jeff Martin your favorite Gynecologist at Martin and Associates. Ladies be sure to schedule your yearly pap smear and remember “We’re finger lickin’ good!”

2009 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Tissue

Israeli Supermodel Bar Refaeli has stolen the world headlines by being named the 2009 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition Cover Girl. Bar Refaeli? I could have sworn I had a Gin and Tonic there the last time I was in Tel Aviv. How is it possible that Bar and Babs are part of the same race?

For the record I’ve never purchased or read the Sport Illustrated swimsuit issue, however I do spank it furiously to the photos.

Typically, you have three groups who do buy the magazine:

First and foremost is the collector, he is some creepy 40-something who is living with his mother. He claims he’s still at home to take care of mom, she prays every night with every fiber of her being that “he will just go the hell away for the love of God”. He has every single swimsuit issue and commemorates his personal favorites by sealing the covers with his own DNA. The 1980 Christie Brinkley issue resembles the aftermath of a wax candle destroyed by a blow torch.

The second group is the high school kid too young to go to the tittie bars and shut out from online porn by their mother’s “strict filtering” abilities and her frequent password changes. In addition to his mad masturbation skills this kid is also a sport’s junky so he also justifies the purchase because he wants to read about the upcoming baseball season and NBA all-star weekend.

The third group is the bored housewives who religiously watch daytime TV talk shows and want to understand what the fuss is about; they pick up the issue along with the newest Janet Evanovich for next month’s book club. Then proceed to splash the magazine open and badger their husbands with ridiculous questions like; “Would you cheat on me with her?” You think which one is she talking about, is this multiple choice? The housewife then stands naked in the mirror and says to her husband "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment. The husband then replies, "Your eyesight's damned near perfect"


So, you see the SI swimsuit issue really serves no purpose to the normal well adjusted red blooded American male. No sex and nudity (which are mutual inclusive so I didn’t need to write both words but I really like to write both), and not enough time given to sports because all those classy pictures are eating up valuable sports reporting space.

Caught between A-Rock and A-Rod

Comedy writer and blogger extraordinaire Ken Levine http://kenlevine.blogspot.com/posted his view of similarities between the Alex Rodriquez steroid scandal and the Rock Hudson AIDS scandal.

Levine wrote:
Don’t think it’s a stretch that I’m comparing you to Hollywood heartthrob, Rock Hudson. You’re both performers. And you both have strong ties with sports. You’re a professional baseball player. Mr. Hudson was involved in a prostitution scandal involving members of the 1962 University of Kentucky football team.

I’ve posted some more similarities:

A-Rod is an asshole.
Rock in an asshole.

Many chemicals made A-Rod hard as a rock.
Much booze made Rock seek a hard rod.

A-Rod never cared for the minors.
Rock never cared for the minors.

A-Rod is a five-tool player.
Rock was a five-tool player.

A-Rod never tried to switch hit.
Rock never tried to switch hit.

A-Rod showers with many guys.
Rock showered with many guys.

A-Rod once caught a pitcher with Vaseline on his balls.
Rock once caught a pitcher with Vaseline on his balls.

A-Rod loves to hear the crack of the bat.
Rock loved the bat near his crack.

A-Rod was part of many come from behind rallies.
Rock was part of many come from behind parties.

Headlines for President Obama’s Stimulus Package…that may be misinterpreted

Obama’s stimulus package…

...contains too much pork
…sneaked up on America from behind
…might fall limp once it reaches The House
…needs to be re-tooled
….too hard to swallow
…stiffs the American middle class
…itching to get passed
…doesn’t pass the smell test
…comes quicker than anticipated
…scrubbed by economists and academics alike

Hi I’m Michael Phelps for Duncan Hines Pot Brownies

When the kids in the South Carolina University dorm room asked Michael Phelps to “pass that thing around so we can hold it”, they weren’t talking about one of fourteen gold medals he won at the 2004 or the 2008 summer Olympics. However there was a gold-digger in the crowd. That would be the person who took the photo of Mike drawing an Olympic size hit off an Olympic sized bong. The gold-digger sold this incriminating photo to a London tabloid and now Mike is being forced into mea culpa mode. But to be honest he has nothing to be sorry about, he was simply enjoying some weekend relaxation with some friends. So what if he likes to have a smoke now and again, he isn’t hurting anyone other than himself. His real crime was letting his guard down in a public situation. You can smoke if you wish, just go somewhere more private, I don’t know like maybe your house.

Because of societies attitudes about marijuana he is being forced to apologize to save his public image and many pending endorsement deals. Phelps acknowledged "regrettable" behavior and "bad judgment" after the photos surfaced.

I thought the poor guy might have Glaucoma. Who are we to judge? I'm not an Optometrists are you? He does wear those coke-bottle goggles when he swims. He won fourteen gold medals in the regular Olympics! He could easily double that count in the Special Olympics if he entered as a partially blind guy using weed for medicinal purposes only.

When you play Pink Floyd’s “The Dark Side of the Moon” backward Phelps breaks into a 200-meter backstroke. Even if he’s not near a pool…true story.

Marijuana is legal in some states but not all. Smokers risk damaging their lungs, but all in all it is probably less harmful to a person than alcohol. It’s less harmful to those around you than alcohol that’s for sure. We’ve all been around drunks at the bar who start fighting before you know it we’re all involved in the fracas because the two drunkards have slammed into us on the other side of bar.

That never happens when people are stoned….the only mild argument happens when it’s the last slice of pizza when the munchies kick in. “Dude I wanted it”…”But dude, I’m still hungry, but we can share” “Alright” "What were we just talking about again?"

The biggest issues I have with weed are the people that abuse it. It becomes part of their daily lifestyle. They started off just getting high before concerts…. then a few years later for sci-fi or action movies in the theater…then for sporting events. Years later they spark-up for any of the following special occasions: PTA meeting, taking the dog to the groomers, bringing the car in for repairs, the neighborhood garage sale, church; it’s really ridiculous at this point.

And just in case you think marijuana lovers are too baked to be vigilant, there’s NORML (National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws).

I take umbrage with the acronym NORML for several reasons…

If you all were so NORML you wouldn’t have to spell it UPPERCASE would you? I guess you are eyes too squinty from all the smoke to read Norml. And why were at it, couldn’t you have found a better acronym than NORML. WTF? Besides being in UPPERCASE it's missing the “A” from the word for chrissakes. Are you all too baked to come up with a different name? Call it HOOP (Hands Off Our Pot ) or WALL (Weeds Awesome Like Love).

Hopefully, Michael Phelps never becomes the national spokesman for NORML and tries to petition the 2012 Summer Games be held in Amsterdam, instead of London, so he can smoke even better competition.

My Condolences on Your Graduation

I won’t congratulate you now that you’ve graduated from college but I will offer my condolences. You are about to enter a long slow agonizing death known as the working world. Sure you’ve heard all those pep talks from career guidance counselors at school telling you how bright your future is. They tell you to find something you love to do and it won’t seem like work. That’s great except no one is willing to pay you to play video games.

In your career you will encounter everything just the opposite of what you experienced in college.

For example during school, friends were easily made, you would meet in a common class, bitch about the professor, alternate between who would cut class and who would take notes. Then on the weekends and sometimes during the week you would party together. Come Monday the whole game would start again. Contrast this with the working world where you are the new guy and nobody easily accepts or associates with the new guy. And never try to join in the fun when it comes to bitching about the boss. Any new guy who bitches about the boss; who everyone hates, will be further shunned. You were the guy who downloaded the most MP3s and the best porn in your dorm and were praised heavily for it by those around you. Trust me, you don’t want to be that same guy when you are parked in that cubicle over in the industrial park, it doesn’t carry the same status as it did in college, especially with the lady co-workers.

Speaking of the ladies, remember how easy it was to hook-up in college? Forget it now. The corporate world is so politically correct you may be accused for sexual harassment if you ask out that hottie in marketing more than once. If she says no the first time, move on. Or just approach the fat chick in accounts receivable, she won't run to Human Resources in tears and believe me the sex will be much better.

In college it’s not only socially acceptable to be the biggest partier, but a coveted honor many people try to achieve. In the working world, the biggest partier is usually has to publicly apologize for things he or she doesn’t remember saying or doing to their very embarrassed sober co-workers. This mea culpa is followed by a not too well disguised trip to a company sponsored re-hab. During college it is an accepted practice to show up late to class should you decide to show-up at all. The professor doesn’t really care if you make it or not, it’s just one less pain-in-the ass he has to deal with during the lecture. At work it’s never acceptable to show-up late or miss days. In fact you are considered a clock-watcher should you work less than ten hours a day.

What I’ve mentioned in the previous paragraphs presupposes you are lucky enough to find a job, and that’s not a given. Besides, there is no sense in hurrying to find a job, because the job you’ll eventually get will be there whenever you want it. McDonald’s, Wendy’s and Costco are always hiring. Go off and travel the country and party some more. Go to an island, or take a train through Europe. Whatever GPA you earned doesn’t really matter now. The price of oil is rising faster than your GPA and the US dollar is weaker than your GPA. I know the payments on your student loans are due soon, but they can wait. If you can’t pay the bare monthly minimum just ask the government to help you out. Look at what they did for the airlines and sub-prime loan suckers. They can help you out with that hundred grand you owe, you just need to ask nicely. You can’t get blood from a stone right?

So let me offer my condolences on your graduation once again, and offer one final piece of advice…..go back to school for your Masters and give yourself a stay of execution.

Over at the Walgreens

I walked into the Walgreens to buy a small tube of moisturizer for my sandpaper-like parched dry face. I also bought an anniversary card for my wife, and a Vitamin Water. The following conversation occurred with the cashier (a guy, early twenties crew cut, many tattoos, a couple on his neck as I placed the tube of moisturizer on the counter to start paying for my items….

CASHIER: (Laughing as he sees me place the small tube on the counter). “I think I know what you are doing with this !”

ME: “What’s that?”

CASHIER: (Still Laughing) “Travel size easy to conceal…. “Are you going on a trip? Or just rubbin’ a quick one out in the car?”

ME: (Embarrassed looking left to right) “It’s for my face, I have very dry skin”

CASHIER: “I just use hand soap myself”

ME: (Pushing the anniversary card and the Vitamin Water), “Look at this card, do you see what it is?”

CASHIER: “Okay”

ME: “It’s an anniversary card…I’m married ten years this Saturday”

CASHIER: “You have been married ten years…to the same woman?”

ME: “Yes”

CASHIER: “Same woman for ten years?”

ME: “Yeah asshole same woman! , I’m not a fuckin’ Mormon”

CASHIER: “You getting’ any strange on the side?”

ME: “Just ring me out already dickhead!”

CASHIER “Ten years, same pussy, now I know you are using this for beat-off cream!!”

ME: “That nobody’s business but mine….and my right hand”

Let’s Hope Jimmy Fallon won’t be Failin’

The worst kept secret finally saw the official light of day , or in this case light of night, late night. NBC held a press conference to announce Jimmy Fallon will replace Conan O’Brien when Conan takes over ‘The Tonight Show’ from Jay Leno next year. Will it work out? Who knows? Saturday Night Live alumnus have had three shots at late night. Chevy Chase, a horrible failure, Dennis Miller, a late-night network TV failure, but rallied back with a respectable HBO show, and Conan O’Brien, a late-night success

A relative unknown SNL writer with little to no on camera experience O’Brien’s first few months were shaky at best. NBC considered pulling the plug, but wisely didn’t. Conan found his goofy grove and began to crank out the kind of nerdy-quirky late night fare that made Letterman a star with stoner college kids across America in the 80’s. I think Jimmy Fallon will fit that role nicely, since he seems to still be that quirky college kid that other quirky college kids will be able to relate to. Unlike Conan, he has a performance background, which means he should hit the ground running with sketches and impressions.

Jimmy Fallon shouldn't sweat the inteviewing part either. The most over criticized part of a talk show is the hosts interviewing skills. The critics constantly praise Letterman and pan Leno for their abilities to handle guests. Most Hollywood types are windbags who love to talk about themselves constantly. Just throw out a sentence and let them go, the host need not be the star of the interview, just let the guest ramble on with a fabricated story about how their precocious five-year sneaked away from the nanny, the housekeeper, the gardener, and the poolboy, then jumped into the driver side of the blue Lamborghini and took it for a quick run down Mulholland Drive. Thankfully no one was hurt. After the host fakes a hearty belly laugh, he pulls it together to ask the guest to set-up the clip from his latest inane project.

When it comes to interviewing, less is best. Why do you think Letterman and Leno always want to have Robin Williams on. They ask him how he’s been and he goes all retard for the next twenty minutes, no follow-up questions needed. They just have to restrain him long enough to break for commercials.

Fallon needs to make sure the monologue is tight. Most late night shows have ten to twenty writers each, they should be able to nail the monologue every night, but they don't. Leno used to have a top-notch monologue when he first started, but now it’s always the lowest common denominator stuff. You can see the punch lines from a mile away. He’s dumbed it down for the average American, and it works in terms of ratings. He also goes too long with the monologue. He will have two to three really funny, really clever lines a night, and the rest is just filler. If he cut down the monologue by say 30% the whole thing would seem much sharper.

Letterman’s monologue isn’t any better, but he is smart enough to keep it short. I think Conan’s is even shorter than Lettermans. Jimmy Kimmel has the right idea, a few jokes interspersed with clips from TV shows that he comments on. Leno has stolen this format from Kimmel in the last year or so.

It will be interesting to see how this all shakes out two years from now. Leno has lead Letterman in the late night ratings for over a decade. Even when his writers were still on strike and Letterman’s were back to work, he beat Letterman.

There will be a bidding war going on for Leno services once he parts company with NBC since he generates a billion dollars in ad revenue a year. The most likely bet would be ABC, where Leno will own on his show and have input on what goes on after him, much in the same way Letterman does now. I see Leno doing five years on ABC with Kimmel pushed back to follow him at 12:30.

Is anyone going to miss anything about Nightline, besides that MILF Cynthia McFadden? Once Leno finally retires Kimmel will take over at 11:30. On CBS , the future isn’t so clear to me. Who knows how long Letterman will go? I guess it depends on his health. I see him going at least five more. Craig Ferguson is making inroads at 12:30, he’s ever beaten Conan a few times. But, I’m not sure he is the air apparent to Letterman.. To me, Steven Colbert is a perfect fit when Letterman goes.

Stayed tuned.

There Will Be Cheney

In the movie “There Will Be Blood”, Daniel Day-Lewis plays a ruthless prospector willing to do anything or hurt anyone to find oil.. It’s loosely based on the life and times of Dick Cheney….Just kidding, it’s not loosely based at all. Every time I pull into a gas station I think about that ruthless prospector willing to hurt anyone for oil, and I also think about Daniel Day-Lewis; he was great in “Gangs of New York”

By the summer, gas will be $4 per gallon for regular unleaded, and in some places (LA and San Francisco) it’s already there. You can cancel that cross-country drive to visit the grandparents. Don't worry they’ll understand; you can see them in five years when we are all driving hybrids and the diminished oil demand forces Exxon and Mobile to drop prices. Of course, your grandparents will probably be dead by then, and then you can just fly to the funeral, if you can afford the airline tickets, with rising jet fuel costs and all. Thankfully hybrid airplanes aren’t on the radar, and let’s hope they never will be. Flying is scary enough as it is.

I need to take out a second mortgage loan to fill my Lincoln Navigator. Okay I don’t have a Lincoln Navigator, I have a Kia Sportage, so I have a small-business loan and my credit is not what you’d call outstanding. The only thing outstanding about my credit is the collector; he’s out standing by my front door looking to collect cash I don’t have.

I now bring a cup to the gas station to capture those precious droplets of petroleum piss residue that I would normally fling off the foreskin of the pump. Each drop is worth at least a quarter. I funnel those drops right back into the tank. If my tank is full, I sell the excess in a yard sale for thousands of times it's value, just like those duplicitous terrorists who run OPEC.

There is so much talk about “going green”. I think much of it is just a load of shit. In reality, some of it is shit; cow manure to be precise. It’s being used as an alternative energy source. Try filling up on that the next time it’s your turn to drive the carpool ballbusters to work:

“Holy shit, which one of you jerk-offs busted ass??”
“No, guys let me tell you I just filled up on a green alternative to oil ….get this, it’s manure, ya know cow shit.”
“BULLSHIT”
“No cow shit”
“You are fuckin’ with us right??”
“NO”
“Nobody would be dumb enough to put shit in their tank, not even you!”
“You have to be fuckin’ with us, that’s a good one you almost had us you son-of-a-bitch, you really did”
“Yeah, yeah I am just messin' wtih you guys, Bob what the fuck did you eat for breakfast a broccoli burrito? Don’t be stinkin’ up my car like that you vile bastard!!”

Let’s face it nobody has the stones to be the trailblazer when it comes to alternative energy. Even that turbine powered wind bag Al Gore. It turns out Mr. Greengenes is sparking as many BTU’s at his place in Tennessee as the West Wing of the White House.

We’ll all keep bitching about the rising gas prices and not do a thing about it. There will be more Hummers, Navigators, Tahoes, and Escalades sold this year. No one is peddling, walking, jogging, or taking the bus to work for that matter.

It won’t be until your monthly gas payment rises above your monthly car payment that you will be forced to take drastic action. But since most of us have car payments that look like mortgage payments, it will take a year or two for that to happen.

And when it does watch out!! There will be so many hitchhikers on the roads of America’s it will resemble the New York Thruway in August of 1969 in the days leading up to Woodstock.

Hillary Clinton Won't Leave Us Alone!!

BARACK OBAMA: Mr. President, with all due respect it’s time for you to tell your wife to drop out already.

BILL CLINTON: Believe me Barack I tried to talk to her but I can’t even find her. I have no clue where she is.

OBAMA: I think she’s here in West Virginia. I heard her phone go off, the ringtone is “Coal Miner’s Daughter” from Loretta Lynn.

CLINTON: She’ll do anything for votes. She’s a desperate woman. She might even have sex with a relative to get votes in West Virginia.

OBAMA: What can I do get to her to stay away from me?

CLINTON: Try getting caught receiving oral from an intern that should do the trick.

OBAMA: Seriously Mr. President for the sake of the Democratic party you have to get her off my back.

CLINTON: Just be thankful she’s only on your back. Believe me, having her on your front ain’t no picnic either.

OBAMA: There is no way she can win the nomination. She needs to do the math and realize she’s wasting everyone’s time.

CLINTON: Look Barack, the only math I’m doing during these days are 2 hotties and 1 me while Hillary is out on the road campaigning. As soon as old piano legs drops out of the race, she’ll be back home checking how much I’ve done from her honey-do list. The longer she runs against you, the more time I have to avoid cleaning out the garage.

OBAMA: I have a real chance of being the first black President of America, and your wife is making it hard on me.

CLINTON: Correction, you mean second black President, the first was me. And if my wife is making anything hard on you, you must be really, really, really, seriously horny.

OBAMA: When do think she’ll drop out?

CLINTON: She is a very resilient woman, she doesn’t take no for answer. Except when I want sex, then NO is the only answer.

OBAMA: How can I make this happen sooner than later?

CLINTON: Have you decided on a running mate?

OBAMA: We have a short list, but we are not prepared to make a decision yet.

CLINTON: Obama/Clinton sounds like a winning ticket come November!

OBAMA: Sir, I have to be totally honest here, I can't stand your wife and would never ask her to be my running mate.

CLINTON: I can’t stand her either, but who’s talking about her? I MEANT ME AND YOU KID. What a ticket we’d be!! Man I can’t wait to get back to the Whitehouse. We are going to have a blast Barack!!

OBAMA: Mr. President I have to go now.

The Dunhill’s Year in Review Christmas Letter

It’s hard to believe that another year has come and gone. What a year 2007 was for the Dunhill family!! We’ve certainly had our share of both highlights and lowlights. As the year started our Tommy was recognized at Jefferson High as an outstanding student. He had two outstanding warrants; drugs and indecent exposure.

Officers physically removed him from 3rd period Biology taking him straight to county lock-up. Since my husband Troy was unemployable due to a Megan’s law “technicality” and I had nagging yeast problems; neither of us had jobs so we couldn’t raise the bail money necessary to spring him right away.

We were able to rent Tommy’s mattress to a border to raise enough cash for the bail. The border still owes some rent money, we tried to collect but we couldn’t grab him before he made it back over the border.

Tommy spent all of January and most of February in jail. Prison was an eye-opening experience for him, just not the eye he is used to opening. He sat on a heavily padded donut until July. He spent the rest of the year under house arrest, well really trailer arrest.

In May, Troy and I became proud grandparents when Sue-Ellen gave birth to that little bundle of joy; she named him- Toby-Keith-Tony-Stewart Dunhill. He was named after his father. Sue-Ellen just wanted to make sure she didn’t leave anyone out since she ain’t real sure who the father is exactly, but she narrowed it down as best she could.

He’s cute as button, he’s got Sue-Ellen’s nose and the eyes of one of the possible fathers. She was able to make-up the time she missed at school and graduate on time and even make it to Dean’s list at “Big Dean’s Big Rig College”. Dean said she made his list because of her shifting skills and her ability to work the rest stop. Ever since graduation she’s been haulin’ ass across the tri-state area, we are very proud of her. She may continue her studies down at Big Dean’s for her MBA (Movin’ Boxes Anywhere) and her PhD (Pullin’Heavier Deliveries). Big Dean expects to get his accreditation from the state any day now.

Troy and I baby-sit Toby-Keith-Tony-Stewart while Sue-Ellen is off climbing the big rig ladder. Just the other night the little fella’ whizzed right in Troy’s face while we he was changing him. Troy said it tasted just like ‘Ole Grand Dad’. God rest his soul.

We had a fun summer vacation down at the creek. Who the hell needs Disneyland anyway? Skinny dippin and cat fishin all day, illegal low grade fireworks at night. Troy tried to make it feel like Disneyland for me, Once the kids were asleep he would get all drunked up, strip naked and sing “It’s a Small World After All” outside the tent with his flashlight while toasting marshmallows from a hickory stick wedged in his buttocks.

He is so darned romantic!

Jackson turned nine in September and is the star of his Pop Warner football team. He was a star linebacker, but this year he also plays fullback and made the all-star team at both positions. I still remember at summer practices in August when Coach Everett told Troy he wanted Jackson to “go both ways” this season. Troy punched Coach in the teeth and called him a homo!

Jackson is also the star of his basketball, baseball, and rastlin teams. We really think he is going to make it in professional sports so we don’t think he needs to waste time on things like school. He is being home-schooled, but not by us. We found a good teacher he really likes. Her name is Anita Johnson; she is a pre-op transsexual awaiting a donor transplant. We all really love her; she is like a part of our family. She will teach Jackson until they find a donor, then she’s off to California for the operation. With recovery time and all, we don’t think she will be teaching for awhile. So, basically once she gets a member, it’s like we lose a member of our family and Jackson looses his teacher.

In October, all charges were dismissed against Troy. He went back to work as a pizza maker over at Chuck-E-Cheese. In November, the FDA approved an experimental antibiotic for my yeast problem. My doctor calls it ‘Breadazone’, I’ve been taking it for two months and I haven’t baked any panty muffins since. The only dough Troy gets on his hands these days is from the pizza oven at his job. Tommy is back to making real fart sounds, Sue-Ellen lost her baby weight, she is a trim 197lbs, Jackson no longer has jock itch, and the baby now has three teeth, one more than Grandma Bessie. We are all healthy and happy…finally.

As you see it’s been a busy and exciting 2007 for us Dunhill’s. Here’s wishing you a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, Kick-Ass Kwanzaa and a Happy New Year!!.

ALL THE BEST TO YOU ALL IN 2008!

LOVE,

TROY, BESSIE, TOMMY, SUE-ELLEN, JACKSON, and baby TOBY-KEITH-TONY-STEWART

THE DUNHILLS

The Dreaded Company Christmas Party

During any company Christmas parties this season try to accomplish the following: Try to stay sober enough not to lose your job or hearing about making a total ass out of yourself from 9-5 Monday- Friday for the foreseeable future or until they mercifully outsource your job to a low cost region.

Many promising young careers at major companies have been prematurely halted courtesy of Jagermeister. Why do you think there are so many bloggers? Sure, it seemed harmless at the time to ask your VP’s wife if she was just “thonging it” tonight or going commando, but when you went under the hood for a look-see it was clear to everyone the line had been crossed, everyone but you that is.

Eat, drink and be merry, but in moderation. If you overdo it, you may become this year’s office party casualty. You will become the guy co-workers will be unable to walk past you without snickering or whispering to each other. No, you’re not paranoid, they are still laughing about the 2003 Christmas party here in July of ‘06.

With the lethal mix of a festive mood, free unlimited booze, great food, female co-workers looking hotter than ever it’s difficult to be on your best behavior, it’s a real challenge not to get all liquored up.

But you really have to make that effort..

When the three hottest single women from the office all shoot your inebriated-ass down for dances try not to reach for the low hanging Christmas fruit by shouting “HO, HO, HO”. Just bow your head in shame and gracefully stagger back to your table refraining from the verbal altercation. And try not to body slam any of the wait staff on the way back to the table.

Avoid calling your left leg “Christmas” and right leg “New Years” and telling every woman on the dance floor to “come see me between the holidays”.

Stay away from both mistletoe and eggnog at all times.

And if you are decide to get all shit-faced have the common sense to take a few people from the office along with you so as to cushion the blow for yourself. Who knows? You mooning your whole department may not have been the worse thing that happened that night if the co-workers you drank with happen to be bigger lightweights than you. As a rule of thumb, never do shots alone.

See, normally you hate Meredith; the know it all CPA. She is a total bitch to you and everyone else, but tonight you were smart enough make nice for Christmas and ask her to pound beers and chase shots with you. You kindest paid off. I guess they are right when they say it’s better to give than receive….

“Sure, we all saw your hairy hemorrhoid laden-ass but that was nothing. But when Meredith from Accounts Payable danced on the bar and pulled her double-D’s out , that was freaking unbelievable!!” “They were awesome!” “I love working here, I want to be full-time!!!”

You were drunk and stupid, but she was drunker and more stupid. Nobody remembers you now after Meredith pulled out her emersons. It’s like the governor called and granted your very own stay of execution.

I’ve seen it all at the office Christmas party, like the year when my ex-boss was doing his Al Pacino ‘Scarface’ impression. He was holding court in the middle of a circle of co-workers both men and women, pants at ankles barking in his best Cuban accent (which sounded Russian) “Say hello to my little friend”. Luckily for me, I was far enough away for the circle not to witness the train wreck. From what some of the women in the office told me later he should have said “Say hello to my very, very little friend”

Sleeping with the bosses wife, insulting your director, passing out underneath the table are all things that can be real fun, but there is a time and place for everything. Just don’t be stupid enough to do any of these things at your company’s holiday party and you will be just fine.

Carson Daly- If nobody watches can it still be considered TV?

Carson Daly scabbed his way to back to his studio last week in Burbank to resume production on his late night TV show. Carson Daly is not a member of the WGA, so he is not a “scab” in the strictest sense of the word. But with or without a union card he is still a no-talent douche that much is clear. He is such a major wit and strong performer that he solicited “jokes” from his friends and family through a douche-chilly email…

“Hello, So at some point during my first week on the air, I will be mentioning the devastating writers strike and saying something to the effect that a TON of my friends and family, have been calling me, leaving messages, offering their help with jokes because they know I don’t have any writers and hosting a late night show without them will be nearly impossible for me.”

I’ve had the misfortune of suffering from insomnia about a year ago and I actually watched this show a couple of times. The first night was horrible, I though perhaps it was a bad night for Carson, so I gave him another chance the next night. The second night was even worse than the first. He has the stage presence of the propped up cadaver, his delivery is horrible, and the comedic material was mediocre at best. But maybe with a skilled host the material might shine a little brighter. Carson Daly could have the writers from The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, and Late Night with Conan O’Brien and still not be able to draw laughs from a crowd. Just because Mario Batali gives me his best recipe for Mussels Marinara doesn’t mean I’m not going to totally fuck it up!!

Carson’s ’s a mediocre DJ who luckily got an MTV gig, He then fooled NBC into thinking he was hip enough to host a light night show and draw the MTV pimple faces along with him. During his interviews he comes off more as an obsessed fan than skillful questioner.

Do you think it’s just a coincidence that Carson’s name in not even mentioned as a successor to Conan O’Brien when he takes over The Tonight Show? Jimmy Fallon will take Conan’s spot, Carson Daly didn’t even make the short list

The cry for help/jokes email to family and friends is a clear admission that he has no sense of humor. He even copies his personal doctor on the email to provide some yuks. The painful email continues as he spouts examples of the types of jokes he expects to receive from loved ones….

“It could be as simple as BEEP, Hey Cars, it’s DAD sorry bout the strike, it’s gotta be tough on ya, try this one on the show….two priests and a rabbi walk into a bar....yada, yada. Anyway my back’s really better, those pills mom got me seem to be working, bye.”

Priest and Rabbi jokes?? The early sixties just called they want their humor back. If this IS his father type of humor it’s no wonder he produced a humorless dolt like Carson. He even asked his father if his golfing buddies had any material. I’m no executive producer but, is that really the humor well you want to draw from for a late night show aimed at partying college kids, fat rich white guys playing the dog leg at the 15th hole at Pebble Beach??

The Phi Beta Kappa frat boys don’t want to hear about a prostate problem or erectile dysfunction as they're doing bong hits unless of course you provide some visuals along with the audio, but I guess that depends how stoned they are?

The only monologue your doctor is certified to handle is the one between your legs. I’d much rather see Carson solicit family and friends to host that show rather than send in jokes. Get a vibrant personality to host, then we can work on straightening out the material once the strike is over.

Thanksgiving Family Memories

Thanksgiving is a time for families to join together to celebrate and give thanks for all the good fortune experienced throughout the year. It’s also a time to drink heavily, drop all inhibitions, and say things better left unsaid...

Like all actresses my sister loves the stage, and there is no better family stage than the Thanksgiving meal. “Everyone, I have an announcement” said sis as she asked for everyone’s undivided attention. “I’m pregnant!!” she joyfully exclaimed. Pregnancy is a great thing if you are married, or not married and in a committed relationship and want to have a kid. If you are a twenty-one year old college senior with no relationship, that we know of, not so much a great thing. “I thought she was a DYKE.” Grandpa said to Grandma, still not using the hearing aid that Mom bought him last Christmas. Half the table (mostly women) scolded Grandpa. “You all heard that?” a confused Grandpa asked.

I couldn’t get on Grandpa too bad, because I had some serious doubts myself regarding sis. The mad skills at softball, the oversized Gap sweatshirts, and the Melissa Etheridge poster didn't do much to bolster her defense.

The next logical question that no one dared to ask is “Who’s the father??” Luckily, she offered an answer without us having to do the dirty work of asking.

“The father is my English professor, Dr. Walter Harris” she said. “He is not only a professor, but he is chair of the English department” she added. These facts did nothing to remove the look of absolute horror from the faces of Mom and Dad.

“He’s married with two children, but he is soon to be separated” she continued.

It was at this point that my brother interjected that Thanksgiving was the one-year anniversary of his sobriety. Technically, it was one-year and fifteen hours since his last drink. I remember this well because he crashed into the tree around 2:00 AM last Thanksgiving morning. He started at happy hour on Wednesday, and enjoyed his last drink right before that damned tree knocked it out of his hand and knocked him unconscious. The car looked much like the beer can he was holding. He suffered a concussion, a fractured pelvis, and a compound fracture of his right leg. He spent the next three months in the hospital and the six months after in jail.

“I would like everyone to stand and join me in celebrating this personal milestone” he said. “Raise your glasses and let’s toast my sobriety” he said. He proceeded to pull a fifth of Jack Daniels from under the table and knocked back two quick shots.

Mom, still stunned about my sister and now disappointed in my brother was downing her wine at a rapid fire pace, which for her means it was her second glass. To say Mom is a lightweight is a huge understatement. She is the only person I know who has ever gotten a contact buzz from being around drinkers.

“I have my own annnunce-mmment " she slurred. “My husssband and your faather is banging his ssecreteryy!” We all looked over at Dad. His head was in his hands too ashamed to look up at the rest of us. When he did look up all he could say “Your mother has had too much to drink”. Thanks Sherlock Holmes. He then went on to tell us “I got laid-off from work yesterday, so it’s going to be a lean Christmas” as he swigged right from my brother’s Jack Daniels bottle.

“Did your filthy w-w-whore get the axe too?” Mom asked.

Things calmed down for a little while as started to eat our Thanksgiving dinner. I thought about everything that was said so far. I though about how alcohol makes one talk, but food has the opposite effect and shuts everyone up. Food is a great thing. I noticed my cousin Sarah frowning at me, as I devoured my Turkey leg. “Meat is murder, meat is murder” she said. “Excuse me?” I asked. “You know I am a Vegeterian don’t you?” she said. “We were just at the Burger King drive-through together about what two weeks ago? “You had the Big Angus Burger with cheese if memory serves me!” I said. “Yeah, that seems so long ago, as of last Saturday I am Vegetarian, not just a Vegetarian I’m a Vegan. “That means no dairy products at all”. Sarah has to be about 185lbs and she made up for all the Turkey she didn’t eat by downing a whole Lemon-Meringue pie in about two minutes. I guess she is a Vegan on everyday but Thanksgiving since a shit load of eggs went into that pie, not to mention the pint of milk she used to wash it all down.

During coffee and dessert it was back to more stimulating conversation. Over in the way too much information section of the table, Grandma and Grandpa in vivid detail recalled their senior’s cruise and how liberating they found their nude beach experience.

Cousin Kenny is the normally quiet and sober member of the extended family. He doesn’t drink and he usually chooses his words carefully. He’s a good looking guy, who has always been surrounded by hot women. He tells all his date will be joining us soon for dessert. He said he wanted a chance to talk to all of us first. He told us that he is gay and he’s been waiting for a good time to come-out of the closet. He decided it would be tonight.

“He’s a QUEER too??” Grandpa whispered to Grandma for all to hear.

Always looking to one-up… Uncle George and Aunt Sheryl proudly pronounced they are now full-fledged swingers and loving every kinky minute of it.

At this point I had to get some air I said “Excuse me everyone, I am going out to the family room I want to check the score of the Redskins-Cowboys game”.

Late Night Hosts Roast Jay Leno

Since the late night talk show hosts will be off the air for awhile they decided it was as good a time as ever to roast one of their own. Letterman, Leno, O’Brien, Kimmel, and Ferguson all got together to decide who the subject would be. Everyone but Leno raised his hand when the following question was posed: “Everyone who thinks we should roast Jay Leno raise your hand”. Nobody realized Carson Daly was still on the air so he didn’t get a vote.

Since Jimmy Kimmel is a veteran Comedy Central Roast emcee, he is the host…

Kimmel: We all came here tonight to roast a comedy legend, a late night icon, and all around great guy, but Arsenio Hall couldn’t make it. He’s got the late shift at KFC this week and he had to close.

What can we say about Jay Leno that hasn’t been said throughout the years? That he’s not a total prick? They say he looks like a skunk with that black and white head of hair. I don’t know if looks like a skunk or not, but he sure smells like shit.

Jay Leno has threatened every single person I ever tried to book on my show. He said if they do my show, they will never be able to get on his show. I wish to hell he would threaten Cousin Sal, Jeff Ross, and Adam Carolla.

Our first presenter tonight could fit most of that $31 million a year through the gap in his front teeth…Ladies and Gentleman --David Letterman

Letterman: A round of applause for Jimmy Kimmel, the last comedian in America to bang Sarah Silverman. She’s fucked more comedians than Last Comic Standing.

Jay Leno and I go way back, I put him on my show when he was a nobody. We both wanted Johnny’s job hosting The Tonight Show. I patiently hosted my NBC late show at 12:30 waiting for Johnny to retire. Jay on the other hand, kissed ass with NBC brass and trashed talked every possible candidate who was considered for the job. Leno threw more people under the bus than the NY Metro mechanic’s union. But, I make $31 mil a year and you make $27 mil a year, and Carson liked me better. I own my show, you don’t, I’m not getting the boot in 2009, but you are. But I’m not bitter or anything -- FUCK YOU JAY!

Kimmel: Glad your not bitter Dave. I can’t understand a word this next guy says. But they tell me he has a show on CBS that competes with my show. I sure hope it’s broadcasted with subtitles, or maybe I don’t. Here is Craig Ferguson

Ferguson: Thanks Jimmy Kimmel. One week Jimmy flew to back and forth from LA to NY each day to do Regis and Kelly…..I guess you could say he’s a bi-coastal bi-sexual.

As many might know, I replaced Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show on CBS. I just saw Craig and he’s doing fine. In fact he was driving a 2007 Rolls-Royce Phantom….it was Leno’s he was Valet parking it tonight.

Dave Letterman was kind enough to allow me to get the job I now have. All I had to do was capture his latest stalker and make sure she was deported. It was easy, I just gave my sister airfare back to Scotland.

Jay Leno gave me one good piece of advice when I started this job. It was “Stay away from my fucking guests or I’ll send you back to Scotland without your kilt. Do you understand me?” I always appreciated the kind words Jay.

I try to pattern my show after Jay’s show, except with comedy. Jay Leno’s monologues are as fresh as Oprah’s panties after a day of taping ten consecutive shows without a bathroom break. His non-rehearsed banter with band leader Kevin Eubanks sets race relations back fifty-years. We get it, the black musician smokes weed. Way to work the stereotypes Jay! This is the part where I’m supposed to say something nice about you. Okay, you have a great guest rolodex. Can I borrow it when you get fired in 2009?

Kimmel: I still didn’t understand a word. This next guy is so white and thin the electricians tried to replace a burned-out fluorescent bulb in the studio with him. Put your hands together for the reason Jay Leno will be collecting unemployment next year….Conan O’Brien.

O’Brien: Thanks Jimmy, I hate to be the one to tell you the bad news, but they just deported Guillermo, and Uncle Frank had a heart attack fighting off the immigration officers. Just kidding, but seriously I did tea bag Sarah Silverman once, true story.

I see Carson Daly out in the audience tonight. Like the rest of us, Carson has free time because his writers on are strike and his show is dark. That’s amazing. Not the fact that he’s here tonight, but that piece of shit show actually has writers. Steven Hawking has more charisma than Carson Daly.

They say Jay Leno is unfriendly, humorless, vindictive, insecure, and a bad interviewer. I say that’s bullshit…he’s friendly.

When I was going to leave NBC and go to FOX they made the decision that I’d replace Jay in 2009. Soon after Jay called me…..every expletive he could think of. He tried everything to get me to leave NBC, he said he would give me any of his beloved two-hundred cars, except the 1986 Hyundai, that’s where he and his wife Mavis first made love. When Jay introduced me to Mavis, I thought he married Al Franken. Yikes, now I know why he works so damned much.

But really Jay, you’ve never supported me, you’ve never said a kind word about me, and soon I’ll have your job. So good luck to you….you prick!

Kimmel: Middle America loves him, but we all hate him. The reason we’re all here tonight… Ladies and Gentlemen Mr. Jay Leno

Leno: I really need to thank Jimmy Kimmel. Not for hosting the roast tonight, but for replacing me as the ugliest host on late night TV. That’s one gig I don’t mind losing believe me.

Jimmy Kimmel is as important to the late-night TV landscape as Matt Lauer.

So many late-night talk show hosts are here tonight it’s really quite amazing. I had sort of a good news bad news thing happen to me last night at the hotel. The good news…All the hosts chipped-in and sent a blonde dancing stripper to my room for a lap dance…. The bad news is it was Ellen DeGeneres… She took everything off but the Converse low tops.

Craig Ferguson. You used to be on a top-ten primetime show; The Drew Carey Show. Now you are on at 12:30 at night and no one watches you. Nice downward career move there Scotty!! By the way Letterman’s Proctologist called, he said during Dave’s exam he noticed you had an ear infection. You might want to get that checked out.

Conan O’Brien. How is that I get treated like the red-headed step child by NBC and you take my job? Just so you know, I’m taking all the good furniture, and the stuff I leave will be covered with more DNA than the UCLA Forensics laboratory.

David Letterman. True, you do make a few million more, and you do own your own show, and Johnny probably liked you better than me. But Johnny’s dead and I’ve beaten you every night in the ratings for the last ten years much like the LAPD beat Rodney King. So, can’t we all just get along?

But if not, all of you losers can kiss my rich soon to be retired ass!!

Confessions of a Cereal Slacker

Do you remember when you were young how much you loved cereal? (Rice Krispies, Cookie Crisp, Quisp, Cap'n Crunch, Frankenberries). Then one day your mom decided you were getting too much sugar in the morning, so she traded in your Frosted Flakes for Wheaties and you were really, really pissed. Being an industrious little fella you found a way to work around the blandness by dumping a pound of sugar on the Wheaties and they almost tasted like Frosted Flakes.

Then the day came when she busted you with the ample bag of sugar and the shovel/spoon and you were screwed. Although you didn’t know it, from that day forward Mom made sure the house was sugar free. The next time she went food shopping she came home with Special K.

There is nothing special about Special K.

Then the next morning you woke up in your Ninja Turtle pajamas and gently turned off the night light. With blankie clutched tightly under right arm you marched downstairs in anticipation of the early morning cereal sugar rush and all you found in the cupboard was the Special K? You started crying uncontrollably, stomped your feet, and started yelling “You’re a bad mommy, you’re a bad mommy”. “I wish I wasn’t your son and I wish I had a nicer mommy, who likes Cookie Crisp.” Between drags of the freshly lit Marlboro red she just shook her head and said, “Listen loser, if you don’t like it here why don’t you just leave already, I mean you are 28 years-old for Chrissakes”

Practicing Medicine

I remember as a teenager going to a new Optometrist for an eye exam. He asked me to take off my clothes. I said “Naked for an eye exam? Is this some type of third world doctorin’ I’m not familiar with?”. I said listen doc …THAT eye doesn’t need to be examined, he sees 20/20 and he never ever ever blinks. I’ll just keep my Underoos up high where they belong, if that’s okay chief.

Turns out he was indicted a year later for fraud. Not insurance fraud, Leo DeCaprio Catch Me If You Can imposter type fraud. Real good and licensed cab driver I’m sure, but not a doctor. I should have known something was wrong when he ask me to read the smallest line on the periodic table of elements

Needless to say, I’ve done my best to avoid doctors ever since.

But, I was having chest pains that seem to get worse each week. After much spousal nagging, I reluctantly made an appointment with a Cardiologist.

I met this guy, he’s got the gut hanging over the belt, this thing is in full Dunlap mode (his gut dunlap over his belt) buttons are missing from his shirt, he’s got a belly button you could stock Nemo and friends in, and he’s scarfing down a Hostess Suzy-Q with a large-ass glass of what appeared to be chocolate milk..

He wiped the medical chart clipboard free of crumbs with the back of his creamed-fingered hands and started firing questions..

Doctor: Tell me why you’re here today?
Me: I’m having chest pains and shortness of breath

Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me: No.

Doctor: Not even weed?
Me: No.

Doctor: Not even once with the weed? Drink Alcohol?
Me: No.

Doctor: What are you some kind of freakin’ Mormon?
Me: No, I just like to stay in shape.

Doctor: If you were in good shape you wouldn’t be here with my fat ass, would you?
Me: Probably not.

Doctor: How many wives you taggin’?
Me: I said I’m not a Mormon

Doctor: How long do you want to live?
Me: I don’t know, I was kind of hoping to make it to the ‘LOST’ season finale.

As we’re talking the phone rings..

Doctor: I have to go!
Me: What’s going on? Do you an emergency open heart surgery or something?

Doctor: No, that was one of the nurses it’s time for our smoke break. You can leave if you want. Me: Did you think there is anything seriously wrong with me?

Doctor: Shitloads, but I’m not Psychologist am I? You just need to layoff the junk food and get more exercise. Do that and you’ll be good as new.

As we are talking the phone rings. He gets up real quick and says “I have to go. I said what’s going on doc and emergency open heart surgery. He said no “That was one of the nurses it’s time for our smoke break”. He told to put my shirt on, I could leave, I just needed more exercise and lay off the junk food I’d be fine.

War Protester get’s in Condi’s Face

WAR PROTESTER: You have blood on your hands for all the soldiers, and innocent Iraqis dying each day because of this unjust and horrific war!! War is not the answer, War is not the answer

CONDOLEEZA RICE: Oh no you didn't!! I know you just didn't get your stringy-ass white head all up in my grill. Ya'll need to back the fuck up before I start a war all up in 'dat ass!!"