A Few Reasons Why Philadelphia is Better Than Buffalo

1975 Stanley Cup Finals (you tried to blind our boys with fog, they said PHOG you!)

The Birds only choked twice in Super Bowls in two separate decades
Bills stunk out the first half of the ‘90’s going 0-4

We have Chris Matthews, you have Tim Russert

We have Kevin Bacon and all those people six degrees removed from him. You have Vincent Gallo all by himself.

We have ‘The Hooters’, you have the ‘Goo-Goo Dolls’, no need to expound

David “automatic” Akers vs. Scott “the wind took it right” Norwood

Our best football players only choke; they never committed double homicide in tight fitting gloves

You sleep with uglier women you never want to see again… Last call here 2:00 AM..... Last call Buffalo 4:00 AM

You only have a football and a hockey team to disappoint you every year. We have yearly losers in all four major sports and horses too.

You had Orel Hershiser; who was born in Buffalo, we stole him; raised in Cherry Hill, NJ he played for the little Flyers and would have been teased about his name no matter where he was from

You had Grover Washington Jr; who was born in Buffalo, realized you can’t play jazz in Buffalo and be taken seriously, then came to Philly. We also have that black dude Kevin who plays guitar for Leno and likes weed.

Judge, I Was At Least 310 Feet Away!

Charlie Sheen has been ordered by a Los Angeles court to keep at least 300 feet away from Denise Richards, his estranged wife.

This shouldn’t be too hard for Sheen to stay away because the last time I checked Denise isn’t a ‘ho. This restraining order now elevates Sheen to obsessed fan status. Maybe he can hang out with David Letterman’s latest stalker and find out how to work around the order. She seems to spend more time in Letterman’s houses than he does.

Richards said in papers filed to the court that Sheen had been abusive and threatened to kill her. According to the New York Post, he had screamed at her: “I hope you die, bitch!” after she allegedly discovered he had been looking at internet pornography sites.

I know it had to be embarrassing for Charlie to get caught while trying to rub one out over internet porn. My mother-in-law still reminds me about it weekly. A courtesy knock would have been nice mom-mom. Ironically enough for Charlie, it was an all male site that featured two and a half men. If I recall from ‘Major League’ Charlie is a pitcher not a catcher.

The Sheen family is a strange bunch. First of all, half are named Sheen and half are named Estevez. That fact alone screams bi-polar disorder. West Wing President and papa whack-a-doodle Martin Sheen is a social activist whose been arrested too many times to count for various causes none of which I could name right now if you paid me. He really seems to care…about what I have no idea?

Emelio Estevez; who I haven’t seen since ‘The Breakfast Club’ used to date Paula Abdul and Demi Moore. He dated Paula way before the Brinks truck rolled up with the “American Idol” payday. He dated Demi before the milk trucked rolled up with the D cups.

You’ve got some great timing E squared !

In the eighties Charlie Sheen starred in “Platoon “ and “Wall Street” in consecutive years. He was as big a star as Tom Cruise during that period. But soon after, his love of booze, drugs, and porn stars made him into a studio’s worst nightmare. During movies he would disappear for days at a time and when he decided to show up he would fight with directors, producers, and other actors.

His behavior became as predictable as a Snoop-Dog drug test result.

Fast forward a couple decades; a clean and sober Charlie Sheen is cast in the top ten CBS hit “Two and a Half Men”, with another eighties castoff; Jon Cryer. At the same time he finds Denise Richards, settles down has a couple kids. Two daughters; ha-ha…you can’t tell me there is no such thing as karma.

Things are really going swell for ole Chuck and then in March 2005 Denise filed for divorce. The seldom used legalese “Irreconcilable Difference” showed itself on court papers.

Too bad.

I wonder if Charlie is still has Heidi Fleiss on speed dial? Heidi should be able to hook him up with a Denise Richards look-a-like without a restraining order who doesn’t want half his cash in a divorce, just a few hundred for services rendered.

Just a Radio No No

I'm just a radio no-no and my show really does blow that’s what the critics keep saying.

Getting paid for each air shift, so I don’t give a shit about what they're saying .

There would come a day when CBS Radio will say they are better off without me When the end comes I knowThey’ll say "He was just a radio no-no"Life goes on without me

Cuz I ain't got ratings nobody listens to me, nobody, nobody listens to meI'm so sad and lonely sad and lonely, sad and lonely

Won't some kind listeners come and take a chance with me
Cuz I ain't so badSad and lonesome all the time
Even on the dial, on the, on the dial I ain't got no listeners

Nobody listens to me, nobody, nobody I'm just a radio no-no and my show really does blowThat’s what the critics keep saying

Getting paid for each air shift, so I don’t give a shit about what they're saying
There would come a day when CBS Radio will all say they are better off without me

When the end comes I knowThey’ll say "He was just a radio no-no"Life goes on without me

I’d Rather They Just Probe Uranus Free of Charge

NASA plans to crash a space probe into the moon in 2009 ; a collision so violent it will be visible on Earth through a telescope.

NASA scientists say the collision should excavate a hole about a third the size of a football field and hurl a plume of debris into space. After the crash of the space probe, the mothership that released it will fly through the plume and look for traces of water ice or vapor _ similar to NASA's Deep Impact mission last July, which blasted into a comet.

If you want a collision so bad, just have President Nucular read a chapter from James Joyce’s Ulysses before the next state of the union address. I can promise you a train wreck in prime time on all the major networks.

The entire mission will cost more than $600 million. Nope…That’s not a misprint. $600 million just to find water ice. Good thing their not looking an ice cappuccino that could cost a billion or so.

If I remember right from my 5th grade earth sciences class the world is 2/3 covered with water? Right? Surely some of it has to be all iced up. Can’t NASA just hang out in in the North Pole for awhile and scooped up a few yards of soil to study. Santa can be bought, everyone has their price. They can probe Antarctica or even Aunt Sally for all I care. Keep the exploration earthbound and we should be able to save a few dollars.

Here’s an idea, it might be a little bit out there, but what the hell here goes…
How about putting that $600 million into a functional health care plan, this way I don’t need to take a small loan for my co-pay the next time I get checked for a hernia? The doctor only grabs my beanbag and asks me to cough, but the insurance company kicks me square in the nuts and asks for blood.

This moon crash debacle is part of a larger mission that includes a lunar orbiter, the mission's purpose is really just a quest for ice. Water is the key ingredient for supporting future human outposts on the moon, a goal of the Bush administration.

The last time the Bush administration started a quest it had nothing to do with ice. If this “quest for ice” is anything like the “search for weapons of mass destruction” the tab is going bigger than $600 million.

Frankly, I wish the Bush administration would stop having anymore goals. Any goal that’s been attempted thus far has backfired like the exhaust on my ’76 Ford Pinto.

Just ride out the last two years quietly without any sudden moves, quests, probes, leaks,or crashes.

Top Ten Dumb Guy Ways To Prevent Global Warming

10. Known to bring air conditioner to the beach.
9. Will only barbecue indoors
8. Constantly wears the propeller beanie.
7. Placed Rand- McNally World Atlas in his refrigerator.
6. Thinks Ice Hockey Ice should be a required international game
5. Frequently attempts to “chill like Gilligan”
4. He only eats Iceberg lettuce
3. Inspired by ‘Hands across America’, he is starting ‘Freeze Tag Across America’
2. Known to routinely FedEx ice to countries south of the Equator

And the Number One Dumb Guy Way To Prevent Global Warming…
He protests the sale of Hot Pockets at neighborhood grocery store.

I Love It When You Talk News In Bed

I never thought Katie Couric to be hot until the ink dried on the new deal which pays her $15 mil per year to anchor the CBS Evening News. That some real sweet coin just to read the teleprompter to a bunch of septuagenarians. I couldn’t tell you who she is replacing or even who her competition is, and if I could I’d slap myself with my good hand.

Does anyone watch the evening news anymore or even the local news for that matter? I have the attention span of a crack addicted rabbit and I don’t have the time or patience to wait until the news comes on to get my daily briefing. I can find all the news that’s fit to scan right at my fingertips online.

Katie will also become part of the 60 Minutes team. In what role? Visiting nurse? “Okay Mr. Rooney please bend over time for your suppository”. The following week a still sore Andy asks "Did you ever notice how visiting nurses named Katie like to stick things in your dumper?"

There must be something in the water over at CBS because Walter Cronkite is still alive. I saw him on Larry King (another fossil) talking about how he loves those crazy kids who host 60 Minutes. Cronkite was old when Kennedy died, no not junior, the one that was President.

Meredith Viera will take Katie’s spot next to Tom Cruise’s worst nightmare; Matt Lauer on Today. Meredith will pocket a cool 10 mil a year to fake guffaw at Al Roker’s stale one liners. She will maintain her professionalism and converse eye to eye with Ann Curry without suggesting a psych med or two. It’s probably not a hard gig after years of dealing with those housefraus on ‘The View’. If Barbara Walters has another facelift she will be sporting a pubic goatee. And why were at it, who the hell let all the air out of Star Jones?

I heard all the experts fawning over Meredith and how serious a journalist she is. Meredith’s been known to talk about porn flicks she's watched, and how on occasion she will go all reverse cow girl on her husband as he sleeps.

Who says girls named Meredith are frigid? That’s just hot!

Yeah, But Can It Lip-Sync?

Connecticut sculptor Daniel Edwards created the "Monument to Pro-Life: The Birth of Sean Preston," which depicts Britney Spears crouching naked on a bearskin rug as her baby emerges.

"I admire her. This is an idealized figure," the Connecticut-based artist tells the Associated Press – also admitting that he's never met or even spoken to his 24-year-old subject.

I don't know about you but I can't think of a better way to display ones admiration than a depiction of doggy-style nudity on bearskin?? How about a nice oil painting, flowers or maybe even a candygram? Any of the above would have done the trick there Michelangelo.

Actually I have to say the piece is really life-like. During my initial gander I became stiffer than the death penalty or the statue.

Edwards is working on a matching piece with Kevin Federline as the subject. It’s tentatively titled “Unemployed Talentless Whigger on Couch with Remote and Bad Credit.”

Edwards plans to display his artwork at the Capla Kesting Fine Art gallery in Brooklyn's Williamsburg neighborhood. He has already received hundreds of requests for tickets from Tom Cruise; who could be heard shouting to a frightened and weeping Katie Holmes in the background “We are going to be as quiet and still as the cement Britney when it’s our time little girl, you got that, I said you got that little girl!!”

Britney doesn’t have the most tread on the tractor tire, but somebody needs to tell her it’s not required to give birth the same way you got pregnant… doggy-style on a bear skin rug, clutching a lions head. It’s a shame Edwards couldn’t recreate the Louisiana roadside bar men’s room floor to fully capture the night of conception.

Not to boast, but I know firsthand Britney likes to get her freak-on over a leopard skin, not a bearskin rug. She also has a mole on the inner part of the left cheek, which sadly I didn’t see represented in the piece.

In the interest of full disclosure, I call my right hand “firsthand Britney.” Oops I did it again.

Some people are really pissed about this whole thing. I don’t really care if you are for abortion or against it. That’s none of my bidness. But the pro-choice heads need to chill on this one. This cat is trying to make a few bucks with his Play-Doh creations. It's not like he's the one who knocked her up.

I’m just glad he chose Britney Spears as his subject. He could have completed an earlier work …”The Neverland Slumber Party."

Then all of us would have something to complain about.

Wearin' Out Of The Green

As sung by Lito Sheppard and Sheldon Brown.....

Oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no,
Oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no,
Oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no,

Oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no,
Oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no,
Oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no,

Oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no,
Oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no,
Oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no.

Beam Us Up Dutchie!

Urine or You're Out

In a perfect world professional athletes would never break any laws, do drugs, say anything stupid, or rip their own fans. Athletes would be admired by all. Parents would have no qualms with their children emulating the humble, hard working behaviors of our everyday professional athlete.

But that’s not the reality of the modern athlete. They are rich and rude, they take whatever drug (recreational or performance enhancing) they can get their hands on.

Does it make sense to even have drug tests anymore?

I know the argument, the kids look up to the athletes and if the kids know the athletes are taking drugs, they will too. Any parent who lets their kid emulate any modern athlete should have their parenting ticket shredded into a thousand little pieces.

I got news for you parents; most of your kids are beyond the maturity level of professional athletes already. Athletic prowess trumps all other requisite skills that the rest of us are forced to develop during the maturation process. Elite athletes zip through childhood to adolescence to adulthood in the EZ-Pass lane without so much as reading a highway sign or reading anything else for that matter.

If your kids are hooked on drugs, don’t blame it on professional athletes, look at his new friend Todd, the glaze-eyed kid who never seems to leave your house, and whose laugh sounds like an ’79 Thunderbird engine trying to start on a 10 degree January morning. If you’re kid is an athlete he probably is being introduced to the smokeless chemicals to make him stronger, faster, and therefore better for his team.

Yes, it’s fourth and an ounce for Ricky Williams and he is not going to make it. He failed three prior tests for weed and a fourth for what the league hasn’t disclosed. Maybe it’s an unknown drug? Ricky spends a lot of time in India, maybe he used some of his signing bonus for pharma R&D?

Don’t get me wrong here, I’m anti-drug. I don’t want Cheech and Chong as my starting corners, even if they have experience in the nickel package. Having said that, I don’t think these professional athletes should be tested for substances. I think they should be able to take whatever they want to take and pay the consequences for their own actions later. A performance enhancing drug is all the better. We the fans benefit because we get to see better performances.

Remember the great homerun race of 1998 between McGwire and Sosa? Those two resembled human bobble heads and we all knew they were downing more than protein shakes. But who cares? It gave us a great story to follow that season. I still remember batting practice that summer and how McGwire effortlessly blasted 500ft. moon shots off the upper deck at the Vet. Let’s face it, baseball hasn’t been that interesting since that season.

Think about it, do you think our beloved ’93 Phils would have given us that great ride if they were substance free? No, me neither..

As a fan, at the end of the day, I just want to see the best possible performance on the field, particularly if I’m a season ticket holder. The way they prepare to give us the best possible performance should be left up to the athlete.

Shootin' Straight From the Lip

HUME: Mr. Vice President, how’s Mr. Whittington?
CHENEY: Just peachy! His grill is full of pellets; when he sneezes the nurses drop for cover, he just had a lead induced heart attack, and he is 78 years old.

HUME: How did you feel when you heard about that?
CHENEY: I was hoping he came down with Alzheimer’s and didn’t remember who shot him.

HUME: Would you describe him as a close friend? Friendly acquaintance?
CHENEY: An intruder, that’s what I told the police anyway.

HUME: Tell me what happened.
CHENEY: Brit you know how I roll…lots of booze, lots of broads, and lots of bullets. Next thing I know Old Man River is down for the count. Some dudes just can’t hang.

HUME: Describe the setting.
CHENEY: The ranch is in South Texas, I got ‘ZZ-Top Eliminator’ cranked up, I got a half bottle of Jack in me, I’m dancing and shooting to ‘She Got Me Under Pressure’ pellets are flying everywhere. I never even saw the Geritol Kid.

HUME: Did you shoot any quail at all.
CHENEY: Was he out there?? I would have gotten him too if I knew.

HUME: And Mr. Whittington was conscious, unconscious, what?
CHENEY: He was conscious.

HUME: What did you say?
CHENEY: Harry how would you and the missus like a nice weekend in the Lincoln bedroom and we forget this ever happened? What do you say old pal?

HUME: What did he say?
CHENEY: He wished me another heart attack, very weakly flipped me the bird, and then went unconscious.

HUME: What did you think when you saw the injuries?
CHENEY: I had two very distinct thoughts…How far is the Mexican border? And It’s sounds like my Eliminator CD is scratched.

HUME: Thank you Mr. Vice President
CHENEY: That’s Brit. Do me a favor, next time I shoot somebody don’t ask such tough questions.

An Open Letter from Don King

Saturday May 20, 2006
Boardwalk Hall in Atlantic City

12 Rounds for the NFL “Don't Know When to Shut-up Heavyweight Championship of the World”

The Malcontent vs. The Mama's Boy

Listen closely my two pigskin grabbin’ brothers, why exchange verbal fisticuffs through the media for free when you can trade real fisticuffs and get paid?

We can matriculate and exacerbate millions of dollars from the public through pay-per-view.

It will be magnificent, flatulent, portentous, mephitis, bombastic, stupendous, and tremendous!!

Just thinking about it makes my hair sit down!!

Donovan - I’ll get LL Cool J to do a live version or “Mama Said Knock You Out” as you enter the ring with Wilma. You won't ever have to make one of those corny-ass soup commercials again with all the money I'll take. Oops my bad, I meant all the money you'll make.

T.O.- You can enter the ring to “R-E-S-P-E-C-T” by Aretha Franklin. If you like we can even hire Nicollette Sheridan as one of the ring girls, or even all of the Desperate House Hos.

Only in America.. only in America!!

Willie Nelson's new detour for the tour bus?

Customs agents found a tunnel about the length of eight football fields connecting Mexico and the United States. Mexican authorities seized two tons of weed in a warehouse near Tijuana. Experts said the passageway “Bore all the hallmarks of an operation by a major drug cartel”. No, you really think so?? We all thought it was a natural phenomenon, like Crystal Cave.

That's some great deductive reasoning there El Capitan!!

Let’s face it, our borders are as wide open as any group of NFL receivers in a scrimmage with Temple. You’ll witness more protection in a porn film than you will at either the Mexican or Canadian borders. It seems like anyone can get into this country and once here they become almost impossible to track. The student visa system is laughable. If 35 year-old Ilik Aman from Saudi Arabia wants to learn how to fly or study explosives we should make sure it never happens here again. By the way, if you’ve got hair growing out of your ears you are too old to be a student no matter where you’re from… period!

We should all feel really safe knowing an illegal construction project with electricity, a ventilation system, sump pumps, cement flooring, and wood roofing took shape without anyone in law enforcement knowing about it. The tunnel clearance is six feet high and the width is about five feet. It wasn’t like these guys knocked this out on a Saturday afternoon over a case of Yuengling's Lager. This project probably took months or years and if Penndot was involved it could have been a decade or more.

You would think maybe the Maytag repair border guards may have heard or seen something?? At least once? I don't know like the screech of a backhoe gauging masssive chunks of earth? Or perhaps the steady caravan of fully loaded dump trucks cruising past the Customs building?

"Hey Orville, You think dem trucks got Hemis?"

If I so much as take my circular saw and a 2x4 from the shed, the Drew Carey looking township inspector is so far up my tunnel he can tickle my lungs with his clipboard while chirping “You got a permit for that?”

Our national borders are much like Border's books stores. You are free to come in, have some coffee, roam around from section to section unwatched, and study about any subject that interests you. But, judging by the time I saw two security guards pummel that pimply faced 16 year old Goth kid who tried to jack a Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone book, I think the security at Border’s may be tighter.

You Have No Friends in Pennsylvania

My cousin from Pittsburgh called to crow about his team and to tell me how much the Eagles and Philadelphia as a city blow chunks . He said, “Me and my boys are going to pond beers as we drive ott to Detroit to watch the Steelers kick ass”. I said "Hey, first of all the word is pronounced POUND not POND second of all the word is pronounced OUT, not OTT and third of all I don’t give a rat’s ass what you and your jagoff friends are up to."

You see our collective dilemmas as Eagles fans and co-habitants of Pennsylvania are spelled out in our grim football history. The Steelers won 4 Super Bowls, been to 14 AFC Championship games. We’ve been to 5 NFC Championship games and lost 2 Super Bowls… Ouch.

I’m not afraid to admit it, I’m real jealous.

The Steelers are currently owned by the Rooney family and have been for the last 65 years !! We used to have an owner that really wanted to win in Leonard Tose, but between the booze and the gambling he could never quite get us over the hump. He came damned close to flying the ‘Birds out west back in ’85. Next came “the guy in France” who only wanted to own the team for a few years to get maximum return on his investment. You never got the feeling he cared about wins or losses all that much. Now the current regime is lead by a self-confessed fantasy football geek with a rich mommy who was nice enough to buy him a team. I think he wants to win but only if it’s fiscally responsible.

The 6-10 season we just suffered through is a direct result of being fiscally responsible. Sure, we had a ton of injuries, but so did a lot of other teams. The only difference, most teams had suitable back-up players to step up to the challenge. The Eagles roster has as much depth as a Jessica Simpson monologue on the benefits of solar energy.

Amazingly, the Steelers have only had two coaches over the last 37 years, Chuck Knoll and Bill Cowher. Cowher is a lifelong Steelers fan who grew-up in suburban Pittsburgh. The Rich Kotite and Ray Rhodes era last only a few years but I know it felt more like 37.

To add insult to sports hernia, the Steelers are lead by Ben Roethlisberger, a second year QB. How many years has Donovan been around?

I can’t deal with these all these Steelers fans rearing their obnoxious heads to brag about their team. Eagles fans should never be out obnoxious-ed by anyone, especially people from our own state. But the facts are the facts, Steelers fans know what it’s like to see their coach and owner hoist the Lombardi Trophy. We Eagle fans know what it’s like to here “Wait until next year” Well guess what? Next year always seems to come up short.

Bottom line here, I can’t stand to see the Steelers win another title. You’ve had your fill of Super Bowls; you need another one like Dick Cheney needs another cardiac epsiode. So, Steelers fans on Super Bowl Sunday do me a favor, drink your Iron City Beer, eat your Primanti sandwich, take a swim out in the Monongahela and dry yourself with the terrible towel.

I’m still rooting for the ‘Birds.

Go Seahawks!!

Can We Dance, Jog, and Skate for another Fifteen Minutes?

What’s with all these celebrity reality shows?

Celebrity has a shelf life, when it’s fresh its real good, but when its past it’s expiration date, boy does it stink. Celebrity is not granted with a lifetime guarantee, when it’s over, it over Johnny. The fact that you are skating, ballroom dancing, or trying to get your fat ass over a wall, doesn’t make you any more interesting to us. In fact, we start to pity you and it diminishes the reputation that made you famous in the first place.

I want to remember Kelly LeBrock as the knockout in “Weird Science” not some 175lb. middle-aged hausfrau bitching about how she chunked up. I want to remember a slim Young MC for his hit “Bust a Move”, not as fat old MC who can barely move.

I don’t want to see Todd Bridges checking the ice for cracks or crack either. I don't want to see or remember Bruce Vilanch, period. He looks like the love child of Cass Elliot and Kurt Cobain conceived during a mushroom bender.

I want to remember Kristy Swanson as the hottie in “The Chase” with Charlie Sheen, not as a beefed-up ice queen. The poor dude she is partnered is going to need a spinal alignment if he launches her over his head a few more times. I want to remember Bruce Jenner for breaking Decathlon records in ’76, not for breaking his hip at age 56 after a fall attempting to complete his triple Lutz.

Note to Nancy Kerrigan, unless Tonya Harding ventures out of the trailer park to pipe wrench the other knee it’s over for you too, toothy.

To the former stars: Please stop the insanity, you had your day in the sun. In some cases it was a total fluke but by some miracle you made it anyway. You were a star for a few days, a few months, or even a few years, but it’s over now. Please fade away gracefully and let us remember you in your glory days before we start wondering how you ever got famous in the first place.

Just a Radio No-No

I'm just a radio no-no and my show really does blow
That’s what the critics keep saying
Getting paid for each air shift, so I don’t give a shit
About what they're saying


There would come a day when CBS Radio will say
They are better off without me
When the end comes I know
They’ll say "He was just a radio no-no"
Life goes on without me

Cuz I ain't got ratings
Nobody listens to me, nobody, nobody listens to me
I'm so sad and lonely
Sad and lonely, sad and lonely
Won't some kind listeners come and take a chance with me
Cuz I ain't so bad

Sad and lonesome all the time
Even on the dial, on the, on the dial
I ain't got no listeners
Nobody listens to me, nobody, nobody

I'm just a radio no-no and my show really does blow
That’s what the critics keep saying
Getting paid for each air shift, so I don’t give a shit
About what they're saying

There would come a day when CBS Radio will all say
They are better off without me
When the end comes I know
They’ll say "He was just a radio no-no"
Life goes on without me.

This Guy is a Real Scream

A stunned Philadelphia sports media is subjected to information overload and shear comic brilliance after realizing Andy Reid’s happy demeanor from those LA Weight Loss ads is now a permanent part of his personality.

Comments heard from the reporters exiting the media room included the following:

“I don’t like this new Andy he has too much to say, I’ll never meet my deadline with all these great quotes.”

When he said “I ain’t taking the blame for this season, those guys really just stink” I couldn’t believe it!!”

Andy killed when he said “Ed McMahon would have a higher QB rating than this other kid”, I almost wet myself.

When he tried on Joe Banner’s suit coat and started singing “Fat Guy in a Little Coat” like the late great Chris Farley in ‘Tommy Boy’ that was really awesome!!

“I laughed, I cried, he took us on an emotional roller coaster ride we will never forget”

Can't We All Just Get Along?

Did we forget 9 catches for 122 yards on one wheel in Super Bowl XXXIX?
Did we forget the 4th and 26 grab to save the season?

My New Year's Resolution - Get these fine people back together again. It can happen and when it does, it will be MMM-MMM good.

Happy New Year !!

Your Pal,

Will

Psychic Predictions For 2006

Bono from U2, fresh from saving the third world from having to pay it’s debt, will max out a Discover, three Visas, two MasterCard, a Sears, and a Bed, Bath, and Beyond charge card before filing for personal bankruptcy.

In February, the Sixers will nearly solve their attendance problem with an almost full-house during free admission night.

Newlyweds Elton John and David Furnish honeymoon sexcacapes which included a vertically-challenged roadie named "Bobo" will be leaked to the public in a DVD entitled “Two and a Half Men Gone Wild”.

When ask what he thinks about the Patriot Act, President Bush will respond by saying he thinks “Tom Brady and the rest of ‘dem Patriots O-Line are terrific actors in ‘dat dare Visa ad.”

As a midseason replacement NBC will create a spin-off show for it’s Thursday night lineup; an ex-NFL star goes across the country trying to right all of his previous wrongs in an attempt to create positive karma, the title ‘My Name is Terrell’.

During the summer, ex-Eagle quarterback Mike McMahon will meet a newly divorced Jessica Simpson in a N.Y. nightclub. When he makes a pass it is picked off by a smitten Clay Aiken.

True to his Scientology beliefs, Tom Cruise will force Katie Holmes to give birth without medication. Six weeks later a fully recovered Katie will drop-kick Tom squarely in the nuts.

Michael Jackson will be given a Lifetime Achievement award by the Archdiocese of Philadelphia and lifetime ban from Big Brothers of America in the same week.

In a stunning decision, Pennsylvania will award one of its two state licenses for casinos in Philadelphia to a group headed by Pete Rose. Later in the year, the second license is awarded to a group headed by Pete Rose Jr.

With America’s fascination with poker waning, BRAVO will cancel ‘Celebrity Poker Showdown’ in favor of ‘Celebrity Naked Twister’ hosted by Rosie O’Donnell.

Claiming to be sick of married life and motherhood, Britney Spears will refuse to wipe drool, pick up half filled bottles, and change poopy diapers. She will also have some issues with baby Sean Preston.

Andy Reid, T.O., and Donovan will be the last three remaining contestants in the inaugural competitive eating contest known as ‘Soup Bowl’. In the last two minutes Andy will mismanage his consumption; Donovan will blow Chunky chunks, and TO will be declared the winner.

A new ESPN reality show featuring a penniless OJ Simpson as a ski instructor in the Poconos will premiere entitled “Brokeback Mountain”

Due to lack of ratings, WYSP will replace David Lee Roth with Sammy Haggar in June, and then Sammy will be replaced by former Extreme lead singer Gary Cherone in October.

In June, the Flyers will win a thrilling game seven of the Stanley Cup Finals; which unfortunately is missed by most of the Delaware Valley because they are still trying to find the Outdoor Life Network.

In July, Barry Bonds; steroid free and resembling Chris Rock will return to the San Francisco Giants lineup. He will finish the season with a measly 3 homers, 6 RBIs, no stolen bases, and 5 sold out weeks at the Mirage in Vegas.

In August, Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones will be injured during rough sex. Catherine suffers a concussion from the headboard; Michael breaks his hip after falling from a ladder as he watches through their bedroom window.

In September, Camilla Parker Bowles will file for divorce from Prince Charles and promptly throw her wedding ring into the water closet. The act known as ‘The Royal Flush’ is splashed across the front pages of the British tabloids.

After failing to win the World Series yet again with the highest payroll in all of sports, NY Yankees owner George Steinbrenner will ask Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig if he can “just lease the damned trophy for a couple of years”.