Wearin' Out Of The Green

As sung by Lito Sheppard and Sheldon Brown.....

Oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no,
Oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no,
Oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no,

Oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no,
Oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no,
Oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no,

Oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no,
Oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no,
Oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no.

Beam Us Up Dutchie!

Urine or You're Out

In a perfect world professional athletes would never break any laws, do drugs, say anything stupid, or rip their own fans. Athletes would be admired by all. Parents would have no qualms with their children emulating the humble, hard working behaviors of our everyday professional athlete.

But that’s not the reality of the modern athlete. They are rich and rude, they take whatever drug (recreational or performance enhancing) they can get their hands on.

Does it make sense to even have drug tests anymore?

I know the argument, the kids look up to the athletes and if the kids know the athletes are taking drugs, they will too. Any parent who lets their kid emulate any modern athlete should have their parenting ticket shredded into a thousand little pieces.

I got news for you parents; most of your kids are beyond the maturity level of professional athletes already. Athletic prowess trumps all other requisite skills that the rest of us are forced to develop during the maturation process. Elite athletes zip through childhood to adolescence to adulthood in the EZ-Pass lane without so much as reading a highway sign or reading anything else for that matter.

If your kids are hooked on drugs, don’t blame it on professional athletes, look at his new friend Todd, the glaze-eyed kid who never seems to leave your house, and whose laugh sounds like an ’79 Thunderbird engine trying to start on a 10 degree January morning. If you’re kid is an athlete he probably is being introduced to the smokeless chemicals to make him stronger, faster, and therefore better for his team.

Yes, it’s fourth and an ounce for Ricky Williams and he is not going to make it. He failed three prior tests for weed and a fourth for what the league hasn’t disclosed. Maybe it’s an unknown drug? Ricky spends a lot of time in India, maybe he used some of his signing bonus for pharma R&D?

Don’t get me wrong here, I’m anti-drug. I don’t want Cheech and Chong as my starting corners, even if they have experience in the nickel package. Having said that, I don’t think these professional athletes should be tested for substances. I think they should be able to take whatever they want to take and pay the consequences for their own actions later. A performance enhancing drug is all the better. We the fans benefit because we get to see better performances.

Remember the great homerun race of 1998 between McGwire and Sosa? Those two resembled human bobble heads and we all knew they were downing more than protein shakes. But who cares? It gave us a great story to follow that season. I still remember batting practice that summer and how McGwire effortlessly blasted 500ft. moon shots off the upper deck at the Vet. Let’s face it, baseball hasn’t been that interesting since that season.

Think about it, do you think our beloved ’93 Phils would have given us that great ride if they were substance free? No, me neither..

As a fan, at the end of the day, I just want to see the best possible performance on the field, particularly if I’m a season ticket holder. The way they prepare to give us the best possible performance should be left up to the athlete.

Shootin' Straight From the Lip

HUME: Mr. Vice President, how’s Mr. Whittington?
CHENEY: Just peachy! His grill is full of pellets; when he sneezes the nurses drop for cover, he just had a lead induced heart attack, and he is 78 years old.

HUME: How did you feel when you heard about that?
CHENEY: I was hoping he came down with Alzheimer’s and didn’t remember who shot him.

HUME: Would you describe him as a close friend? Friendly acquaintance?
CHENEY: An intruder, that’s what I told the police anyway.

HUME: Tell me what happened.
CHENEY: Brit you know how I roll…lots of booze, lots of broads, and lots of bullets. Next thing I know Old Man River is down for the count. Some dudes just can’t hang.

HUME: Describe the setting.
CHENEY: The ranch is in South Texas, I got ‘ZZ-Top Eliminator’ cranked up, I got a half bottle of Jack in me, I’m dancing and shooting to ‘She Got Me Under Pressure’ pellets are flying everywhere. I never even saw the Geritol Kid.

HUME: Did you shoot any quail at all.
CHENEY: Was he out there?? I would have gotten him too if I knew.

HUME: And Mr. Whittington was conscious, unconscious, what?
CHENEY: He was conscious.

HUME: What did you say?
CHENEY: Harry how would you and the missus like a nice weekend in the Lincoln bedroom and we forget this ever happened? What do you say old pal?

HUME: What did he say?
CHENEY: He wished me another heart attack, very weakly flipped me the bird, and then went unconscious.

HUME: What did you think when you saw the injuries?
CHENEY: I had two very distinct thoughts…How far is the Mexican border? And It’s sounds like my Eliminator CD is scratched.

HUME: Thank you Mr. Vice President
CHENEY: That’s Brit. Do me a favor, next time I shoot somebody don’t ask such tough questions.

An Open Letter from Don King

Saturday May 20, 2006
Boardwalk Hall in Atlantic City

12 Rounds for the NFL “Don't Know When to Shut-up Heavyweight Championship of the World”

The Malcontent vs. The Mama's Boy

Listen closely my two pigskin grabbin’ brothers, why exchange verbal fisticuffs through the media for free when you can trade real fisticuffs and get paid?

We can matriculate and exacerbate millions of dollars from the public through pay-per-view.

It will be magnificent, flatulent, portentous, mephitis, bombastic, stupendous, and tremendous!!

Just thinking about it makes my hair sit down!!

Donovan - I’ll get LL Cool J to do a live version or “Mama Said Knock You Out” as you enter the ring with Wilma. You won't ever have to make one of those corny-ass soup commercials again with all the money I'll take. Oops my bad, I meant all the money you'll make.

T.O.- You can enter the ring to “R-E-S-P-E-C-T” by Aretha Franklin. If you like we can even hire Nicollette Sheridan as one of the ring girls, or even all of the Desperate House Hos.

Only in America.. only in America!!

Willie Nelson's new detour for the tour bus?

Customs agents found a tunnel about the length of eight football fields connecting Mexico and the United States. Mexican authorities seized two tons of weed in a warehouse near Tijuana. Experts said the passageway “Bore all the hallmarks of an operation by a major drug cartel”. No, you really think so?? We all thought it was a natural phenomenon, like Crystal Cave.

That's some great deductive reasoning there El Capitan!!

Let’s face it, our borders are as wide open as any group of NFL receivers in a scrimmage with Temple. You’ll witness more protection in a porn film than you will at either the Mexican or Canadian borders. It seems like anyone can get into this country and once here they become almost impossible to track. The student visa system is laughable. If 35 year-old Ilik Aman from Saudi Arabia wants to learn how to fly or study explosives we should make sure it never happens here again. By the way, if you’ve got hair growing out of your ears you are too old to be a student no matter where you’re from… period!

We should all feel really safe knowing an illegal construction project with electricity, a ventilation system, sump pumps, cement flooring, and wood roofing took shape without anyone in law enforcement knowing about it. The tunnel clearance is six feet high and the width is about five feet. It wasn’t like these guys knocked this out on a Saturday afternoon over a case of Yuengling's Lager. This project probably took months or years and if Penndot was involved it could have been a decade or more.

You would think maybe the Maytag repair border guards may have heard or seen something?? At least once? I don't know like the screech of a backhoe gauging masssive chunks of earth? Or perhaps the steady caravan of fully loaded dump trucks cruising past the Customs building?

"Hey Orville, You think dem trucks got Hemis?"

If I so much as take my circular saw and a 2x4 from the shed, the Drew Carey looking township inspector is so far up my tunnel he can tickle my lungs with his clipboard while chirping “You got a permit for that?”

Our national borders are much like Border's books stores. You are free to come in, have some coffee, roam around from section to section unwatched, and study about any subject that interests you. But, judging by the time I saw two security guards pummel that pimply faced 16 year old Goth kid who tried to jack a Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone book, I think the security at Border’s may be tighter.

You Have No Friends in Pennsylvania

My cousin from Pittsburgh called to crow about his team and to tell me how much the Eagles and Philadelphia as a city blow chunks . He said, “Me and my boys are going to pond beers as we drive ott to Detroit to watch the Steelers kick ass”. I said "Hey, first of all the word is pronounced POUND not POND second of all the word is pronounced OUT, not OTT and third of all I don’t give a rat’s ass what you and your jagoff friends are up to."

You see our collective dilemmas as Eagles fans and co-habitants of Pennsylvania are spelled out in our grim football history. The Steelers won 4 Super Bowls, been to 14 AFC Championship games. We’ve been to 5 NFC Championship games and lost 2 Super Bowls… Ouch.

I’m not afraid to admit it, I’m real jealous.

The Steelers are currently owned by the Rooney family and have been for the last 65 years !! We used to have an owner that really wanted to win in Leonard Tose, but between the booze and the gambling he could never quite get us over the hump. He came damned close to flying the ‘Birds out west back in ’85. Next came “the guy in France” who only wanted to own the team for a few years to get maximum return on his investment. You never got the feeling he cared about wins or losses all that much. Now the current regime is lead by a self-confessed fantasy football geek with a rich mommy who was nice enough to buy him a team. I think he wants to win but only if it’s fiscally responsible.

The 6-10 season we just suffered through is a direct result of being fiscally responsible. Sure, we had a ton of injuries, but so did a lot of other teams. The only difference, most teams had suitable back-up players to step up to the challenge. The Eagles roster has as much depth as a Jessica Simpson monologue on the benefits of solar energy.

Amazingly, the Steelers have only had two coaches over the last 37 years, Chuck Knoll and Bill Cowher. Cowher is a lifelong Steelers fan who grew-up in suburban Pittsburgh. The Rich Kotite and Ray Rhodes era last only a few years but I know it felt more like 37.

To add insult to sports hernia, the Steelers are lead by Ben Roethlisberger, a second year QB. How many years has Donovan been around?

I can’t deal with these all these Steelers fans rearing their obnoxious heads to brag about their team. Eagles fans should never be out obnoxious-ed by anyone, especially people from our own state. But the facts are the facts, Steelers fans know what it’s like to see their coach and owner hoist the Lombardi Trophy. We Eagle fans know what it’s like to here “Wait until next year” Well guess what? Next year always seems to come up short.

Bottom line here, I can’t stand to see the Steelers win another title. You’ve had your fill of Super Bowls; you need another one like Dick Cheney needs another cardiac epsiode. So, Steelers fans on Super Bowl Sunday do me a favor, drink your Iron City Beer, eat your Primanti sandwich, take a swim out in the Monongahela and dry yourself with the terrible towel.

I’m still rooting for the ‘Birds.

Go Seahawks!!

Can We Dance, Jog, and Skate for another Fifteen Minutes?

What’s with all these celebrity reality shows?

Celebrity has a shelf life, when it’s fresh its real good, but when its past it’s expiration date, boy does it stink. Celebrity is not granted with a lifetime guarantee, when it’s over, it over Johnny. The fact that you are skating, ballroom dancing, or trying to get your fat ass over a wall, doesn’t make you any more interesting to us. In fact, we start to pity you and it diminishes the reputation that made you famous in the first place.

I want to remember Kelly LeBrock as the knockout in “Weird Science” not some 175lb. middle-aged hausfrau bitching about how she chunked up. I want to remember a slim Young MC for his hit “Bust a Move”, not as fat old MC who can barely move.

I don’t want to see Todd Bridges checking the ice for cracks or crack either. I don't want to see or remember Bruce Vilanch, period. He looks like the love child of Cass Elliot and Kurt Cobain conceived during a mushroom bender.

I want to remember Kristy Swanson as the hottie in “The Chase” with Charlie Sheen, not as a beefed-up ice queen. The poor dude she is partnered is going to need a spinal alignment if he launches her over his head a few more times. I want to remember Bruce Jenner for breaking Decathlon records in ’76, not for breaking his hip at age 56 after a fall attempting to complete his triple Lutz.

Note to Nancy Kerrigan, unless Tonya Harding ventures out of the trailer park to pipe wrench the other knee it’s over for you too, toothy.

To the former stars: Please stop the insanity, you had your day in the sun. In some cases it was a total fluke but by some miracle you made it anyway. You were a star for a few days, a few months, or even a few years, but it’s over now. Please fade away gracefully and let us remember you in your glory days before we start wondering how you ever got famous in the first place.

Just a Radio No-No

I'm just a radio no-no and my show really does blow
That’s what the critics keep saying
Getting paid for each air shift, so I don’t give a shit
About what they're saying


There would come a day when CBS Radio will say
They are better off without me
When the end comes I know
They’ll say "He was just a radio no-no"
Life goes on without me

Cuz I ain't got ratings
Nobody listens to me, nobody, nobody listens to me
I'm so sad and lonely
Sad and lonely, sad and lonely
Won't some kind listeners come and take a chance with me
Cuz I ain't so bad

Sad and lonesome all the time
Even on the dial, on the, on the dial
I ain't got no listeners
Nobody listens to me, nobody, nobody

I'm just a radio no-no and my show really does blow
That’s what the critics keep saying
Getting paid for each air shift, so I don’t give a shit
About what they're saying

There would come a day when CBS Radio will all say
They are better off without me
When the end comes I know
They’ll say "He was just a radio no-no"
Life goes on without me.

This Guy is a Real Scream

A stunned Philadelphia sports media is subjected to information overload and shear comic brilliance after realizing Andy Reid’s happy demeanor from those LA Weight Loss ads is now a permanent part of his personality.

Comments heard from the reporters exiting the media room included the following:

“I don’t like this new Andy he has too much to say, I’ll never meet my deadline with all these great quotes.”

When he said “I ain’t taking the blame for this season, those guys really just stink” I couldn’t believe it!!”

Andy killed when he said “Ed McMahon would have a higher QB rating than this other kid”, I almost wet myself.

When he tried on Joe Banner’s suit coat and started singing “Fat Guy in a Little Coat” like the late great Chris Farley in ‘Tommy Boy’ that was really awesome!!

“I laughed, I cried, he took us on an emotional roller coaster ride we will never forget”

Can't We All Just Get Along?

Did we forget 9 catches for 122 yards on one wheel in Super Bowl XXXIX?
Did we forget the 4th and 26 grab to save the season?

My New Year's Resolution - Get these fine people back together again. It can happen and when it does, it will be MMM-MMM good.

Happy New Year !!

Your Pal,

Will

Psychic Predictions For 2006

Bono from U2, fresh from saving the third world from having to pay it’s debt, will max out a Discover, three Visas, two MasterCard, a Sears, and a Bed, Bath, and Beyond charge card before filing for personal bankruptcy.

In February, the Sixers will nearly solve their attendance problem with an almost full-house during free admission night.

Newlyweds Elton John and David Furnish honeymoon sexcacapes which included a vertically-challenged roadie named "Bobo" will be leaked to the public in a DVD entitled “Two and a Half Men Gone Wild”.

When ask what he thinks about the Patriot Act, President Bush will respond by saying he thinks “Tom Brady and the rest of ‘dem Patriots O-Line are terrific actors in ‘dat dare Visa ad.”

As a midseason replacement NBC will create a spin-off show for it’s Thursday night lineup; an ex-NFL star goes across the country trying to right all of his previous wrongs in an attempt to create positive karma, the title ‘My Name is Terrell’.

During the summer, ex-Eagle quarterback Mike McMahon will meet a newly divorced Jessica Simpson in a N.Y. nightclub. When he makes a pass it is picked off by a smitten Clay Aiken.

True to his Scientology beliefs, Tom Cruise will force Katie Holmes to give birth without medication. Six weeks later a fully recovered Katie will drop-kick Tom squarely in the nuts.

Michael Jackson will be given a Lifetime Achievement award by the Archdiocese of Philadelphia and lifetime ban from Big Brothers of America in the same week.

In a stunning decision, Pennsylvania will award one of its two state licenses for casinos in Philadelphia to a group headed by Pete Rose. Later in the year, the second license is awarded to a group headed by Pete Rose Jr.

With America’s fascination with poker waning, BRAVO will cancel ‘Celebrity Poker Showdown’ in favor of ‘Celebrity Naked Twister’ hosted by Rosie O’Donnell.

Claiming to be sick of married life and motherhood, Britney Spears will refuse to wipe drool, pick up half filled bottles, and change poopy diapers. She will also have some issues with baby Sean Preston.

Andy Reid, T.O., and Donovan will be the last three remaining contestants in the inaugural competitive eating contest known as ‘Soup Bowl’. In the last two minutes Andy will mismanage his consumption; Donovan will blow Chunky chunks, and TO will be declared the winner.

A new ESPN reality show featuring a penniless OJ Simpson as a ski instructor in the Poconos will premiere entitled “Brokeback Mountain”

Due to lack of ratings, WYSP will replace David Lee Roth with Sammy Haggar in June, and then Sammy will be replaced by former Extreme lead singer Gary Cherone in October.

In June, the Flyers will win a thrilling game seven of the Stanley Cup Finals; which unfortunately is missed by most of the Delaware Valley because they are still trying to find the Outdoor Life Network.

In July, Barry Bonds; steroid free and resembling Chris Rock will return to the San Francisco Giants lineup. He will finish the season with a measly 3 homers, 6 RBIs, no stolen bases, and 5 sold out weeks at the Mirage in Vegas.

In August, Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones will be injured during rough sex. Catherine suffers a concussion from the headboard; Michael breaks his hip after falling from a ladder as he watches through their bedroom window.

In September, Camilla Parker Bowles will file for divorce from Prince Charles and promptly throw her wedding ring into the water closet. The act known as ‘The Royal Flush’ is splashed across the front pages of the British tabloids.

After failing to win the World Series yet again with the highest payroll in all of sports, NY Yankees owner George Steinbrenner will ask Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig if he can “just lease the damned trophy for a couple of years”.

Top Ten Things About Being An Elf

10. No barroom drunk ever wants to do an Elf toss
9. When called vertically challenged, you reply “Vertically challenged my ass, I am an Elf bitch!”
8. The residuals from the Will Ferrell movie (no, not ‘Bewitched’)
7. Every night you can a bring a new toy for the wife to try out
6. Can hide your stash in the pointy-ass shoes
5. It beats being “a little person wrestler”
4. Get to fly around the world without being stripped searched by the TSA
3. You can whip out your ‘stocking stuffer’ without being arrested
2. At least once a year Santa lets you handle his sack

And the number one thing about being an Elf….
1. You always have wood

Giving Blood

Did you ever notice the list of questions they asked when you give blood. You need a lawyer to get through this questionnaire.
• Have you ever given yourself a non-prescription drug by needle even once
• Have you ever spent more than three months in Europe and if so at which point did you contract gonerehea
• In the last 10 years have you had sex for money or drugs (I’m married do the math)
• Have you had sex with another man since 1983 ( It was Tijuana, I thought he was a chick)

What am I applying for sainthood? Leave my social life out of this?? I’m just trying to give a little blood here!!!

Bathroom at a House Party

My name is Will and my son’s name is Eddie, he is 4. We were at a friend’s house for a party. I take Eddie into the bathroom to take a leak, and when we get out there is a line of people outside the door waiting to use the bathroom. One of the guys looks down at my son and says “Good job Will” “Way to Go” I look at the guy and say his name is Eddie, but “Thanks for the compliment”. “If you think I’m good at pissing you should see me push out a turtle's head”.

Selling My House

My wife and I were trying to sell our house by ourselves. We'd have people show up at the house at all different hours of day and night. This one guy asks if we accept section 8. I said I don’t care if you were thrown out of the military or not, as long as you can get a mortgage!

We had this one creep who kept asking about kids. Do I have any kids, do I have nephews, are there lots of kids in the neighborhood. Are you close to a preschool? I said listen Michael Jackson you might want to look somewhere else, because there is no way I am selling you this house. Maybe you can rent out the Playland over at McDonalds. He said “But I am pre-qualified”. I said “For what Meagan’s Law??”

Under qualified

I was talking to a guy the other day he said “I just lost his job to the automation of the aggregated monetary financial collection system." I said “Oh you were a stock broker on Wall St.” He said stock broker? “No,I was a toll-taker, I lost my job to EZ-Pass”

I was crossing the bridge the other day and at the gate it says “Please wait until gate lifts before proceeding” Huh “What choice do I have” “Let me push the pogo button right next to the cruise control, and I can have the car jump its way over the gate.

The other day I applied for a job in the paint department at Home Depot and I got turned down because I didn’t have a MS in Chemical Engineering

I tried to get a job in the produce department at Acme they asked me if I have farming experience.

I guess there is always Walmart

Three good occupations for lazy people

Co-Pilots- Talk about lazy. This guy never works and gets to fly and drink for free. The only way he ever works is if the pilot passes out. Since they are usually drinking together on the plane anyway, the co-pilot just has to make sure he drinks more than the pilot. This way when the pilot says “I am really F’d up” The co-pilot can say “Dude, I drank way more than you, there’s no way I can fly this bitch tonight.


TV anchor people- Talk about an over valued job. These people have no special talent. They are just readers for god sakes. Just like you and me and 98% of the country. The anchorman reads while setting down and so do I. The only difference, I do most of my reading on the can while dropping a deuce and that ass-clown is in a comfy chair in an air-conditioned studio and copping some nice coin to boot. They are lazy as hell too, they don't move from the chair the whole time. At least the weather guy is up and moving around. He is pointing out storm fronts and barometric pressure and using his arms while doing it. He picks up magnetic clouds and shifts them from place to place on that big-ass weather map. By the end of the weather report this poor guy is looking for oxygen. He then throws it back Captain Slacker, who sends us into a commercial.


Librarians- They may even be lazier than anchor people because we think these broads are always reading but do we really know for sure? They sit there behind the big desk with the Lisa Loeb glasses occasionally peering up only to offer a half-assed "ssshhh" warning to the patrons; who are already more quiet than the gallery at the 18th hole at Augusta. Why do you need complete silence at a library? I'll tell you why? So these lazy librarians can get back to sleep. That's why.

Trying to Watch Porn in the Eighties

When we were teenagers, they had the spice channel for your “almost porn viewing pleasure.” The spice channel was always scrambled in my house, and I would try to squint and see what i thought was a Tit. You would sit for hours and hours just trying to catch a glimpse of anything.

I became a Contortionist the way I would twist and stretch. I would move my head to the left and to the right. I was doing the Jane Fonda workout and not even knowing it. I would go to school the next day all twisted up, neck was in a brace.

I would see my friends in the hallway at school; they would look at me and laugh. "Checking out the spice channel again you little perverted bastard?". Meanwhile, the guy who is breaking my balls has his right hand in a sling; he was diagnosed with the first nationally known case of masturbatory carpal tunnel syndrome.