The Threesome from Hell

The only similarly between Trump and Rosie is the fact that his ego is roughly the same size as her ass, and they both really stink. If Barbara Walters has another facelift she will interview guests through her short and curlies.

As painful as it might be let’s look at Rosie first: She is a paranoid lesbian who can’t keep her lips closed (no pun intended). First she attacks poor little Kelly Ripa about the Clay Aiken incident accusing Kelly of gay bashing. This is problematic on two fronts, first Kelly did no such thing, what she said to Aiken was “ I don’t know where that hands been”. It seems like a fair statement to make since he put his bare hand on her open mouth. Rosie took this as homophobic, I took this as maybe Kelly thinks Clay may not wash properly after wiping. It was only after a public blowout that Rosie realized she may have misunderstood Kelly’s intent.

The second problem: Aiken has never publicly stated that he is gay. It’s not like we don’t already know, but technically Rosie opened the closet door, pushed aside all the winter coats and yanked Clay out. What’s next Ms.Obvious? Are you going to out Richard Simmons?

Now Rosie O’Donnell starts an unprovoked attack on Donald Trump about reinstating that Miss America bimbo. She can’t seem to keep her ample ass out of trouble

Donald Trump is rich, very rich. Just ask and he will tell you all about it. The only asset lacking from his balance sheet is humility. Sure his dad was rich too and had all the necessary connections in politics and money to help young Donald buy his first major properties. The silver spoon was firmly lodged between his gums at an early age. But, give him credit, he took what was given and made it greater. But, it’s funny how he doesn’t mention Pops all that much when talking about how rich he is.

His casinos were close to being bankrupt, and he needed a bailout from the banks to keep them afloat. The fact is, he is a minority owner on casinos that bear his name.

You want to insult Trump? Forget the hair.. Just question his net worth, the comb-over will stand straight-up like a Mohawk, the face will redden, the eyes grow wide and there is a good chance you’ll hear “YOU’RE FIRED” forget the fact that you don’t even work him. That’s exactly what Rosie O’Donnell did leading to this war of the unlikeables.

Now Trump and O’Donnell are playing tug of war with the fossil known as Barbara Walters. Be careful boys you just might rip her. I never understood the appeal of Barbara Walters. She can’t speak properly, yet she’s made an incredible living as an interviewer. This is akin to a visually impaired driver being inducted into the taxi driver hall of fame.

I have no doubt Barbara told Trump Rosie is a big fat pain in the ass, because she is. I also have no doubt that Barbara lied to Rosie about it, for the very same reason, Rosie is a big fat pain in the ass.

Is Barbara two faced? Her plastic surgeon claims to only have lifted one... many times. Maybe it’s not her fault because she is caught between a boulder and a head case.

As part of his new plan can’t Bush send these three to Iraq? Then they may realize how meaningless they all are in the grand scheme of things.

Top Ten Things about Being an Elf

10. No barroom drunk ever wants to do an Elf toss
9. When called vertically challenged, you reply “Vertically challenged my ass, I am an Elf biotch!”
8. The residuals from that Will Ferrell movie (no, not ‘Bewitched’)
7. Every night you can a bring a new toy for the wife to try out
6. Can hide your stash in the pointy-ass shoes
5. It beats being “a little person wrestler”
4. Get to fly around the world without being stripped searched by the TSA
3. You can whip out your ‘stocking stuffer’ without being arrested
2. At least once a year Santa lets you handle his sack

And the number one thing about being an Elf….
1. You always have wood

The Dunhill’s Year in Review Christmas Letter

It’s hard to believe that another year has come and gone. What a year 2006 was for the Dunhill family!! We’ve certainly had our share of both highlights and lowlights. As the year started our Tommy was recognized at Jefferson High as an outstanding student. He had two outstanding warrants; drugs and indecent exposure.

Officers physically removed him from 3rd period Biology taking him straight to county lock-up. Since my husband Troy was unemployable due to the "to catch a predator" piece on NBC's Dateline. I had nagging yeast problems; neither of us had jobs so we couldn’t raise the bail money necessary to spring him right away.

We were able to rent Tommy’s mattress to a border to raise enough cash for the bail. The border still owes some rent money, we tried to collect but we couldn’t grab him before he made it back over the border.

Tommy spent all of January and most of February in jail. Prison was an eye-opening experience for him, just not the eye he is used to opening. He sat on a heavily padded donut until July. He spent the rest of the year under house arrest, well really trailer arrest.

In May, Troy and I became proud grandparents when Sue-Ellen gave birth to that little bundle of joy; she named him- Toby-Keith-Tony-Stewart Dunhill. He was named after his father. Sue-Ellen just wanted to make sure she didn’t leave anyone out since she ain’t real sure who the father is exactly, but she narrowed it down as best she could.

He’s cute as button, he’s got Sue-Ellen’s nose and the eyes of one of the possible fathers. She was able to make-up the time she missed at school and graduate on time and even make it to Dean’s list at “Big Dean’s Big Rig College”. Dean said she made his list because of her shifting skills and her ability to work the rest stop. Ever since graduation she’s been haulin’ ass across the tri-state area, we are very proud of her. She may continue her studies down at Big Dean’s for her MBA (Movin’ Boxes Anywhere) and her PhD (Pullin’Heavier Deliveries). Big Dean expects to get his accreditation from the state any day now.

Troy and I baby-sit Toby-Keith-Tony-Stewart while Sue-Ellen is off climbing the big rig ladder. Just the other night the little fella’ whizzed right in Troy’s face while we he was changing him. Troy said it tasted just like ‘Ole Grand Dad’. God rest his soul.

We had a fun summer vacation down at the creek. Who the hell needs Disneyland anyway? Skinny dippin and cat fishin all day, illegal low grade fireworks at night. Troy tried to make it feel like Disneyland for me, Once the kids were asleep he would get all drunked up, strip naked and sing “It’s a Small World After All” outside the tent with his flashlight while toasting marshmallows from a hickory stick wedged in his buttocks.

He is so darned romantic!

Jackson turned nine in September and is the star of his Pop Warner football team. He was a star linebacker, but this year he also plays fullback and made the all-star team at both positions. I still remember at summer practices in August when Coach Everett told Troy he wanted Jackson to “go both ways” this season. Troy punched Coach in the teeth and called him a homo!

Jackson is also the star of his basketball, baseball, and rastlin teams. We really think he is going to make it in professional sports so we don’t think he needs to waste time on things like school. He is being home-schooled, but not by us. We found a good teacher he really likes. Her name is Anita Johnson; she is a pre-op transsexual awaiting a donor transplant. We all really love her; she is like a part of our family. She will teach Jackson until they find a donor, then she’s off to California for the operation. With recovery time and all, we don’t think she will be teaching for awhile. So, basically once she gets a member, it’s like we lose a member of our family and Jackson looses his teacher.

In October, all charges were dismissed against Troy. He went back to work as a pizza maker over at Chuck-E-Cheese. In November, the FDA approved an experimental antibiotic for my yeast problem. My doctor calls it ‘Breadazone’, I’ve been taking it for two months and I haven’t baked any panty muffins since. The only dough Troy gets on his hands these days is from the pizza oven at his job. Tommy is back to making real fart sounds, Sue-Ellen lost her baby weight, she is a trim 197lbs, Jackson no longer has jock itch, and the baby now has three teeth, one more than Grandma Bessie. We are all healthy and happy…finally.

As you see it’s been a busy and exciting 2006 for us Dunhill’s. Here’s wishing you a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, Kick-Ass Kwanzaa and a Happy New Year!!.

ALL THE BEST TO YOU ALL IN 2007!

LOVE,

TROY, BESSIE, TOMMY, SUE-ELLEN, JACKSON, and baby TOBY-KEITH-TONY-STEWART

THE DUNHILLS

Do You Have Enough for All of Us?

Breastfeeding is an essential and beautiful nurturing bond uniquely shared between only mother and child… and should be kept that way at all times. In the last year I’ve witnessed as many bare breasts as the curtain guy working the Victoria Secret runway during Fashion Week. Generally, I’m used to putting in either a whole lot of begging or a whole lot of cash before I get to cast my beady crossed-eyes on an ample set of hogans. When they are just thrown out in front of me on the subway by a complete stranger it’s just not the same. I like to work for my supper!

I still remember being seventeen and getting into my first tittie bar. I was scared to death but it was great. I vividly recall picking up a dollar bill from the bar and all it’s markings: it had an “E” stamped on it: The Federal Reserve Bank of Richmond Virginia, it was a Series 1986 and The Secretary of the Treasury was James A. Baker just in case you didn’t know, and really why should you .

My hand trembled tremendously as the dancer made her way toward me. She put her hands on both sides of her tremendous set; suddenly I was eye to eye with nipples the size of yarmulkes as she clamped her mountains around my shaking sweaty dollar filled hand. The last thing I remember her saying to me through the Marlboro red in a sexy sultry voice was: “Sweetheart, you retarded or just epileptic?” It was just like great phone sex except it was live, my pants weren’t down around my ankles, and it only cost me a dollar.

I’m a big proponent of nutrition for all especially for babies and vitamin D and calcium are two of the most essential nutrients a body should absorb on a daily basis. The issue I have is the time, place, and method used to deliver these nutrients.

Today, you actually have to make an effort NOT to see breasts. Whether it’s in the park, on the beach, in traffic, or at Home Depot, I’ve seen breastfeeding occur in all of those locations. Over at Wegmans, the cans and the milk aren’t necessarily found exclusively in the cans and milk isles anymore. You don’t have to be in the produce isle to take a gander at the melons. Know what I’m sayin’??

Are babies these days just too hungry that they can’t wait until mommy finds a rest room? Are today’s women just less inhibited about when and where to whip out there set? Whatever the answer is, do us a favor and be more discrete with your milk delivery. You are teasing the rest of us weak minded guys out there and the lucky feeding infant doesn’t understand when I say “Hey chief, I can’t see the half rack, you want to move your head to the left a little”. To keep the kid from screaming, please just give him a pacifier until you are out of our view.

Thumbnails of Holiday Movie Releases

Apocalypto- Mel Gibson's ancient Mayan adventure. In limited release, limited to everywhere outside of Israel.

Black Christmas- Sorority sisters are hunted for the holidays. That’s sucks to be hunted and all, but I just want to know if they are naked.

Blood Diamond- Leonardo DiCaprio is an African jewel smuggler or Neil Diamond's attempted initiation into an infamous LA street gang

Eragon-A year in the life of Senator Ted Kennedy, title is derived from Kennedy’s catch phrase to bar patrons as happy hour ends

The Good Shepherd- With Angelina Jolie and Matt Damon. You know Damon got oral in the trailer at some point…. from Affleck.

The Holiday- Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet switch houses and find love…please God let it be with each other.

The Nativity Story - The birth of Jesus from Mary's point-of-view. The girl who played the virgin Mary is pregnant in real life….I hate when that happens.

Night at the Museum- History comes to life and attacks Ben Stiller. I liked it better eleven years ago when it was called Jumanji.

The Pursuit of Happyness - Starring Will Smith and son. It’ exactly like “Good Will Smith Hunting” but darker.

Turistas -Americans tourists learn they're not welcome in a foreign land. Just the opposite of illegal immigrants in America.

Unaccompanied Minors -Six kids alone in an airport. Michael Jackson reportedly paid six million dollars for an advanced screening.

Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj- Kal Penn's back in school. They had to prove they could make a movie that sucked worse than the first Van Wilder. Mission accomplished.

Rocky Balboa -Sylvester Stallone is the Italian Stallion once again, out of retirement for one last fight….with arthritis and a disputed Medicare bill

Dreamgirls- A musical about a soul trio starring Beyonce Knowles, Eddie Murphy and Jamie Foxx.. Clay Aiken has no interest in seeing it, but Rosie does.

Jesus is the Reason I Shop Online All Season

‘Tis the season to be jolly; fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-FA-QU!!

It’s anything but jolly. The holiday season tends to change decent normal people turn into grotesque hideous characters. The blame here falls squarley on the shoulders of Holiday Stress Syndrome (H.S.S.). H.S.S. is a potentialyl fatal cocktail composed of equal parts shopping stress, maxed-out credit cards, not enough time to get it done, and awful driving habits.

How else can I explain the knee to the balls I took from what seemed to be a nice elderly lady I cut in front of to grab the last package of icicle lights off the Wal-Mart shelf? Arthritis my ass!! Her fast-twitch muscle fiber is real impressive for an octogenarian, or a starting NFL receiver for that matter. You don’t even want to know what she did with the cane.

As I lay wincing in the fetal position on the sticky foul smelling Wal-Mart floor that oddly tasted like Lime Diet Pepsi and Cheese Doodles she hurled a stream of expletives at me in a hip-hop staccato that would make Snoop-Dog want to produce her debut release. Those new icicle lights should sparkle real nicely at her convent. .

Between laughs I heard one of the pimple-faced temporary Wal-Marters ask “Duude, you alright?” Now completely cross-eyed and clutching my own Santa sack while taking a testicular inventory I weakly countered, “Do I look alright?” As Clearasil helped me up from the floor he enthusiastically said; “Sister Santiago straight-up whooped your ass!!” The only near plausible comeback I could offer was; “The bitch caught me when I wasn’t looking”. He chuckled and said; “Whatever dude.”

I recovered after hot tea and a cold compress courtesy of the Wal-Mart cafeteria. Those lunch counter ladies really know how to maneuver the compress with just the right amount of pressure, and to do it without hands, well, that just blew me away. But when the heaviest one with the eye patch and single latex glove offered to take my temperature I knew it was time to jet.

As I walked to my car I was encircled by a pack of slow moving cars. I suddenly felt like the starter pistol guy at Daytona. You would have thought my soon to be vacated parking spot sat above undiscovered oil the way everyone jockeyed for position.

At this point I like to play a fun little game I call “Which car is mine??” I excite all the stalkers waiting for a spot by walking to the car in the best possible parking spot, other than the handicapped spots that is. Just as I’m about to put my key in the lock I have an epiphany and realize this is not my car. Because I’m a Grade A jerkoff I do this approximately three more times or until someone yells; “Hey you stupid muthafucka find your goddamned car in the next ten seconds or I will shoot your sorry-ass” whichever comes first.

I haven’t done any significant research in the area but I firmly believe most road rage occurs in the month of December with cars traveling at blinding Autobahn speeds of about 5mph. Since it occurs in mall parking lots I’m not sure it can even be classified as road rage. It’s more like “lot rage” caused by H.S.S.

So what does it all mean? How can we change it?

I’m glad I asked. The simple answer is twofold. First, avoid driving to any stores during December. If you need to venture out to the stores, start your Christmas shopping on November 1st. Make sure all your shopping is done by Thanksgiving. You will be amazed how much easier it is to park and shop by simply doing it all November.

The second answer is one I followed for the last three years. SHOP ONLINE. It’s great --no lines, no idiots bumping into you, no obnoxious counter people, and last but not least…no sales tax!!

It’s not necessary for you to get gang-raped while standing in line at 3:00 a.m. at Best Buy so you can buy little Johnny that Play Station 3. Just order it online, and you won’t have to go the precinct to view mug shots. Unless, you are into that?

I haven’t set foot in a mall in years and I don’t plan to anytime soon. You have a better chance of seeing either Michael Richards sing “The Star-Spangled Banner” at the NBA all-star game, or Mel Gibson on vacation in Tel-Aviv, than you have of seeing my car in the mall parking lot.

The Dreaded Company Christmas Party

If you attend the company Christmas party this season try to accomplish the following: Try to stay sober enough not lose your job and/or hearing about making a total ass out of yourself from 9-5 Monday- Friday for the foreseeable future, or until they mercifully outsource your job to a low cost region.

Many promising young careers at major companies have been prematurely halted courtesy of Jagermeister. Why do you think there are so many bloggers? Sure, it seemed harmless at the time to ask your VP’s wife if she was just “thonging it” tonight or going commando, but when you went under the hood for a look-see it was clear to everyone the line had been crossed, everyone but you that is.

Eat, drink and be merry, but in moderation. If you do overdo it, you may become this year’s office party casualty. You will become the guy co-workers are unable to walk past without snickering or whispering to each other. No, you’re not paranoid, they are still laughing about the 2003 Christmas party here in July of ‘06.

With the lethal mix of a festive mood, free unlimited booze, great food, and female co-workers looking hotter than ever, it’s difficult to be on your best behavior. It’s a real challenge not to get all liquored up.

But you really have to make that effort..

Please keep calm when the three hottest single women from the office all shoot your inebriated-ass down for dances. Try not to reach for the low hanging Christmas fruit by drunkenly shouting “HO, HO, HO”. Just bow your head in shame and gracefully stagger back to your table refraining from the verbal altercation. And try not to body slam any of the wait staff on the way back to said table.

Avoid calling your left leg “Christmas” and right leg “New Years” then telling every woman on the dance floor to “Come see me between the holidays”. It just comes off as a tad obnoxious.

Stay away from both mistletoe and eggnog at all times. They will cause you many headaches.

And if you are decide to get all shit-faced have the common sense to take a few people from the office down with you so as to cushion the blow for yourself. Who knows? You mooning your whole department may not have been the worse thing that happened that night if the co-workers you drank with are bigger lightweights than you. As a rule of thumb, never do shots alone.

See, normally you hate Meredith; the know it all CPA. She is a total bitch to you and everyone else, but tonight you were smart enough to make nice for Christmas and ask her to pounds beers and chase shots with you. Your kindest paid off. I guess they are right when they say it’s better to give than receive….

“Sure, we all saw your hairy hemorrhoid laden-ass but that was nothing. But when Meredith from Accounts Payable danced on the bar and pulled her double-D’s out , that was freaking unbelievable!!” “They were awesome!” “I love working here, I want to be full-time!!!”

You were drunk and stupid, but she was drunker and more stupid. Nobody remembers you now after Meredith pulled out her emersons. It’s like the governor called and granted your very own stay of execution.

I’ve seen it all at the office Christmas party, like the year when my ex-boss was doing his Al Pacino ‘Scarface’ impression. He was holding court in the middle of a circle of co-workers both men and women, pants at ankles barking in his best Cuban accent (which sounded Russian) “Say hello to my little friend”. Luckily for me, I was far enough away so as not to witness the train wreck. From what some of the women in the office told me later he should have said “Say hello to my very, very little friend”

Sure, sleeping with the bosses wife, insulting your director, and passing out underneath the table are all things that can be real fun, but there is a time and place for everything. Just don’t be stupid enough to do any of these things at your company’s holiday party and you will be just fine.

Late November News to Abuse

Pam Anderson and Kid Rock headed for Divorce Court The high profile pair married less than four months ago. Kid Rock filed papers after coming to the harsh realization that “Hepatitis C” is not a multi-vitamin.




Jesse Jackson and Others Seek N-Word Ban in Entertainment
The Rev. Jesse Jackson will meet with TV and film executives to discuss banning the use of the N-word in the entertainment industry. When asked to comment one executive at BET pronounced “That n***** is out of his damned mind if think that’s ever going to happen!”

Pope Benedict XVI arrives in Turkey
Pope Benedict arrived in Turkey on his first visit to the Muslim country. Upon his arrival at the airport he quickly endeared himself to the natives by stating “I love all towelheads”

Comedian Tracy Morgan arrested for drunk driving
Comic actor Tracy Morgan, star of the television show “30 Rock” was arrested for drunk driving early on Tuesday. When asked for a comment an apparently still drunk Morgan said; “It could have been worse, at least they didn’t search my crack for crack”

Britney: “Paris is my Idol”
Britney Spears and Paris Hilton are quickly becoming the best of friends. Britney was quoted as saying “I really missed having someone in my life that does nothing but party and has no real talent, since I kicked Kevin to the curb and all.”

Dallas Cowboys cut kicker Vanderjagt
Bill Parcells finally had it with kicker Mike Vanderjagt; who was just 13 of 18 on field goals this year. After being informed of his release a pissed off Vanderjagt attempted to kick a Gatorade bucket through the locker room door but missed wide right.

PETA names Nicole Ritchie worst-dressed Celebrity
PETA may issue a retraction after realizing what they thought was a dead garter snake around her neck was actually just her neck.

Matt Lauer’s Wife gives birth to third child
The baby boy named after his father; was born in NYC on Tuesday 9:37AM weighed in at 7 pounds, 4 ounces. Baby Roker and mom are both said to be doing well.

A Pedophile Exposed on ‘Desperate Housewives’
The women of Wisteria Lane suspect their new neighbor maybe a pedophile. By the way this was Michael Jackson’s first TV appearance in primetime since the Martin Brashear interview.

Kerry Ranks last in likeability poll for politicians
Sen. John Kerry mulling a second bid for the presidency finished dead last in a poll on the likeability of 20 top American political figures, just below Mark Foley and Jim McGreevey.

Ten things I’m thankful for….

1. Not seeing OJ Simpson getting a chance to wield another Sharpie, this time at his book signing.



2. Suzanne Sommers years of clinical research on hormones.



3. Clay Aiken not washing his hand before it covered Kelly Ripa’s mouth.



4. I’m not in Mark Foley’s IM address book.



5. The Kevin Federline CD contains no bonus tracks.



6. Rosie O’Donnell likes only women.



7. Tom Cruise knowing the history of Psychology.



8. Keanu Reeves still not being nominated for an Oscar.



9. Deal or No Deal.



10. Not being Wesley Snipes accountant.

Kramer is Not Even as Wacky as Michael Richards

Michael Richards will appear on ‘The Late Show’ with David Letterman to apologize for going all Daniel Carver on some black hecklers at ‘The Laugh Factor’ in LA. I don’t know about you but I’m not sure Richards will reach the aggrieved party on the Letterman show. Dave and his audience are whiter than January in North Dakota. Al Roker, both of the Gumbel brothers, and Steve Urkel say all is forgiven Kramer!


If he really wants to make amends he should don a bullet proof vest and apologize on the ‘BET Hip Hop Awards’ . He should also wear a new pair of inline skates and a motorcycle helmet so as to try to avoid the inevitable beating:

“Hi everyone my name is Michael Richards and what I said the other night was racist, hateful, and downright ludicrous. Now I would like to award the album of the year to Ludicrous….Peace I’m out”.

Then skate like a MOFO out of there.

When will the celebrity crowd catch up with the rest of us in corporate America and realize you never talk about race…period? Corporations routinely send its employees to diversity classes or sexual harassment classes. The classes are not intended as a means of discipline, but rather a means to prevent employees from crossing the acceptable boundaries of race and or sexual conversation or behavior.

Richards is a knucklehead and should have known better. But the bigger question is “Why the hell is this guy doing standup in the first place?” He is fifty-seven years old, stand-up comedy is for the struggling young guy trying to get on a sitcom, not the old rich guy who starred on one of the most successful sitcoms in history.

Did Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David bounce one of his residual checks?

Maybe his next gig can be an open mic night over at Mel Gibson’s Malibu Chuckle Hut.

Hasta la vista, BABY

He’s back for another four years. Just a few short months ago many thought Arnold Schwarzenegger's role as the Governator was about left on the editing room floor. But, Arnold like many of his movie characters ain’t going out like that. Going into Election Day he held a sixteen point lead over his challenger; Phil Angelides and he will coast to an easy victory.

Champagne for the campaign. Quick somebody find Uncle Ted a ride home from the victory celebration.

This race wasn’t nearly as fun as his first time. Do you remember the cast of characters? Let me refresh your memory: Arianna Huffington, Gary Coleman, Larry Flynt, Porn star Mary Carey.

There was more mangled English during that Huffington – Schwarzenegger debate than during the whole Revolutionary War. I think I remember the LA Times asking Gary Coleman what separates him from the other candidates; he said he is the only candidate not tall enough to ride on Space Mountain at Disneyland. Gary Coleman needed a step stool just to stuff the ballot box.

Do you remember the great exchange between Gary Coleman and Larry Flynt? Gary bragged about how he personally responsible for years of ‘Different Strokes’, Flynt shot back “Hell, I’m responsible for years of solo strokes!” It was priceless stuff.

Who could forget Mary Carey and her insightful answers to such hard hitting questions like “What is your position on abortion?” Her careful response if I remember correctly was “Which time?”

Arnold trounced the other wannabes without too much trouble and then took down Grey Davis after that to become a foreign born Governor in a state where nearly everyone is foreign born… Only in America.

The first time around Arnold was a Conservative Republican in the mold of President Bush. This time around he has morphed into a Democrat. He is Al Gore on steroids. He’s passed legislation enacting strict standards for alternative energy, pollution and greenhouse-gas emissions. He supports gay marriage, stem-cell research, gun control, the minimum wage and health care.

He is the jolly green giant for Pete's sake. When he is asked about President Bush his responses make him sound more like ‘Borat’ than a Reagan Conservative. On ‘The Tonight Show’ he dropped the following knowledge on America “'To link me to George Bush is like linking me to an Oscar,', it’s ridiculous.” He also bailed from the capital when the President came to offer support. I guess he really is ‘The Running Man’.

What a difference a year makes. During his last brush with California voters is 2005 his four referenda questions were bitched slapped from San Diego to San Francisco. I just hope a grateful Arnie doesn't pull a Sally Field "You like me, you really like me!" and if he does I hope it's in closed captioning so we all can laugh at it.

No matter how he did it, you have to give him props. He is truly a politician in every sense of the word. He is up on the all the issues and both parties apparently like him.

He’s come along way in three short years. It seems like yesterday when the press asked what he thought about fetal stem cells, he said he hasn’t made up his mind, but if they could add size to his triceps he’d try them.

A Courtesy Flush Would Be Nice

As a rule of thumb I think the bathroom should be viewed the same way as a library. It doesn’t matter if it’s the bathroom at home, the work bathroom, or public restroom. You can read all you wish but strict silence and focus must be maintained at all times.

Apply the following common sense practices at work or in a public restroom:

1. Don’t ever talk to me when I’m in full lock-down mode perched atop the shitter. I need to focus on the delivery I’m about to drop off and I’m not really looking for a Q&A session about last night’s LOST. Besides, my half of the dialogue would just be grunts and groans anyway.

2. Speaking of grunts and groans; please keep your volume to a reasonable level. Nobody wants to hear you replicate delivery room audio over there in stall number three. You might want to look into a stool softener.

3. Never ask me for a high-five when I exit the stall, let me wash up and dry first then we can talk about that high-five.

4. Never use the middle urinal if both left and right are open. The next guy having to take a leak doesn’t want to go next to you and he’s wondering if you were forced to use the middle urinal because the other two were taken, or if you’re just a weird bastard looking to pecker check.

5. Rule number 4 also applies for stalls, never use the middle. It’s only acceptable to use the middle stall if both the left and right are occupied or were heavily abused by the people before you.

6. While at the urinal eyes forward at all times, no exceptions.

7. Never say the following phrases to anyone at the urinal: “Shake it don’t break it”, “How’s it hanging?”, “You shake more than twice you’re playing with it”, or “Is that water cold today?” Your alarming interest in my junk makes for an uncomfortable bathroom experience.

8. Note for the bathroom attendant at the nightclub: I don’t want a Tic-Tac, condom, cologne, gum, or any other dollar store trinket you may be peddling and I can dry my own hands, but thanks for your concern. If you like bathrooms so much go be a plumber’s apprentice.

Home bathroom rules:

1. If you happen to use the toilet paper down to the bottom please take a few seconds to replace the roll for the next person. That 2”x 3” two-ply paper square stuck to the otherwise empty roll isn’t going to help me close the deal.

2. If you just took the dump of a lifetime and you feel the toilet is clogged you might want to use that stick thingy next to the toilet, it’s called a plunger.

3. I tend to leave the seat up, that’s just the way I roll. So what? Why do I need to hear about it time after time after time? Just put it down and save the lecture. I’ve flushed down more than a few panty liners and you never heard jack from me.

4. Yes, that odor of a decomposed woodland creature came from you. Its okay to spray air freshener as liberally as possible, in fact it’s required.

Paris, you be North Korea: Nicole, you be South Korea

Over in North Korea Kim Jong "Licensed to" Il is over compensating for his shortcomings by playing nuclear dungeons and dragons. Iraq is the brink of civil war between the the Shiites, the Sunis, the Kurds, the Turds, the Trogs and some IED carrying jag-off named Omar who hates everything about the West except his new 80GB iPod. Meanwhile back here in the good ole' US of A it’s getting difficult to distinguish between a member of Congress and a member of NAMBLA.

Despite all the despair in the rest of the world I couldn’t be more excited that my two favorite Hollywood Hos are best friends forever again; Paris and Nicole. Their eighteen month feud just seemed like forever to me.

They met for dinner at Dan Tana’s Steakhouse in LA last week. This must have really screwed up the paparazzi. The last place they would expect to find these two dim-witted stick figures is at a steak house. Saladworks, sure, Taco Bell, alright, but a steakhouse? I heard the meal went really well, they not only ate off each other’s plate, but had a nice simultaneous bulimic after dinner purge in the ladies room just for old time sake. That's hot.

The public never really found out what the big feud was about. I’m betting it was an argument over shoes or the merits of wave-particle duality. Someone please tell Bob Woodward to leave Bush alone and get to the bottom of this already!

If these two can patch up their complex and multi-layered differences maybe world peace is a real possibility after all.

Paging Former Congressman Mark Foley

Mark Foley stood beside President Bush as he signed legislation to enact tougher federal laws against child predators. Good thing for Bush, Foley didn’t stand behind him, he might have a more confused look on his face than usual.

From my ‘No Shit’ file here is a little news flash: “Washington DC is not a safe place for young people.” If you don’t believe me just ask Monica Lewinsky, or the kid who is the designated driver for Ted Kennedy.

The political arena is nothing more than a cesspool of people with power and influence who will say anything or do anything to get re-elected and Washington acts as the landfill where all the shit mixes together to emit the stank that is American politics.

In public they preach about morals and family values, but their private their lives could fill the whole season of HBO’s ‘Real Sex’. Any parent who lets their kid go to Washington to be an intern, page, or anything else should have their heads examined, and if the parents are hot enough they may just get a politician to do the examination.

Absolute power corrupts absolutely, and there is a whole lot of Absolut flowing in D.C.. Holy shit did I just write that? Does anybody remember California Congressman Gary Condit and his intern/girlfriend Chandra Levy; who was kidnapped and murdered? The married Condit got more side-ass than all the Rolling Stones combined during the ‘Some Girls’ tour in ’78. The Levy murder has yet to be solved.

Look at the Catholic priest molestation scandal and cover-up, Clinton-Lewinsky, McGreevey and his boyfriend/ Homeland Security advisor, and now Mark Foley. Foley is now a former congressman with a lot of free time and a sticky keyboard.

Does Microsoft have an emoticon for “Never IM me again you sick middle-aged bastard” yet? Maybe a red X covering a guy in a trench coat?

Foley was a member of the House, whose career was ruined because he wanted details about the member of a teenage page from his house. The House leader from the Republican Party knew about this and still did nothing.

Foley’s lawyer tried to defend him by first saying he’s an alcoholic. I don’t care how many Cosmopolitans he downs, it’s no excuse. Then the lawyer said Foley is gay, another revelation from the ‘No Shit’ file. He was also molested as a teenager by clergy, he will have to take a number and get in line with that last excuse. Next the lawyer will blame Dell for selling Foley the computer. Let’s blame everyone but the predator himself, and lawyers wonder why they are so hated.

A final note to parents: Don’t send your kids to Washington to work a summer job. They can get the same experiences in Las Vegas, Rio, or Key West, with people their own age without all the politics getting in the way.

Top Ten Signs Your Kid Has a Bad School Bus Driver

10.Only other “kids” on school bus are Budweiser tall boys…empties
9. He likes your mailbox so much he ran it over
8. He wants kids to kick in lunch money to cover some gambling debts
7. Has the amazing ability to piss out the bus window and drive simultaneously
6. Bus bumper sticker reads: “Don’t like my driving, dial 1-800-EAT-SHIT"
5. He wears suspenders but no pants
4. During latest DUI arrest told trooper he was the designated driver.. he was the only one in the car
3. Has 20/20 vision in the good eye, lost the other one during Mardi Gras
2. Can’t stop at certain houses without violating some restraining orders

and the number sign your kid has a bad school bus driver...
1. Likes to open the bus door using his ass

Just another Day at the Swim Club (part II)

As I walked over the edge of the pool to check on my two kids who were in the pool, I noticed they made a new friend. I couldn’t make out his age, but he was as tall as he was wide. He wasn’t so much talking to my kids as he was launching half eaten Doritos into the pool with words that followed. The kid mumbled something to me and walked away. I couldn’t make out what he said as I was too busy ducking nacho cheese covered shrapnel. The pool now had an orange covered surface as Doritos boy disappeared from sight.

At that point, the soon to be on duty female butch lifeguard walked behind me and barked “HEY KIDS NO EATING IN THE POOL!!”. I turned around and saw this 6’5” behemoth with multiple piercings and red, white, and blue Mohawk haircut. As I glanced down I noticed she wasn’t particularly well groomed. Okay, that’s a real understatement. It looked like she had Justin Guarini in a leg lock.

I said “MY KIDS weren’t eating in the pool” She replied “Do I look STUPID?”
I answered “Was that a trick question?”

I got my kids out of the pool and we made our back to the bitching wives club. As we approached I could see they were all smiling at Lars; the musclehead Swede swimming instructor in the banana hammock Speedo. His hands were at his hips as the wives guffawed over every lame broken bit of English he spoke. “Lars, you are too funny”, “Your accent is just too cute”. They were all gushing like a bunch of sixteen year olds with a high school crush. As he turned to walk away they let out a collective lustful sigh and a “Bye Lars”.

I could hear my wife say to Michelle amazed “Did you see how long it was?” Michelle replied “Oh my god and how wide too!” Feeling a rush of jealous insecurity I blurted out “He’s no bigger than most guys!!” “He probably wraps it up in Saran wrap two or three times before he puts that damned Speedo on!”.

My startled wife said “I don’t know what the hell you are talking about?” “But we are talking about Lars new tattoo of the Swedish flag he just got because he is so homesick.” “It covers the left side of his chest.”

I said “Oh, ya I know. He supposed to keep that thing covered until the ink properly sets, some people use Saran wrap for a cover that’s all I was saying”

Now fully embarrased, I yelled “Hey Kids let's go back to the pool right now!"

What followed couldn’t have come at a better time for me. A woman alternated between a scream and a cry: “Douglas, Douglas, please has ANYONE seen my Douglas”

None of the other mothers showed any concern for this panic stricken woman. I was later told the search for Douglas happens on average once a week.

It turns out little Douglas is quite the prankster. He managed to follow his psycho mother around step for step around the park for roughly twenty minutes during her frenzied search without her knowing. It wasn’t until Douglas noticed another kid with his swimming goggles with the attached snorkel that he was found out.

Douglas hunched his shoulders and sprinted full out toward the unsuspecting snorkel stealer driving him head first in into the lawn; a takedown that would make Jeremiah Trotter proud.

The clueless mother ran over to her son gave him a squeeze and cried “Douglas, I thought I would never see you again.” Meanwhile, the other kid had a mouth full of turf impaled by his braces.

My wife yelled over to the pool “Hey guys, it’s time for lunch” As we made our way to the picnic tables I noticed loudmouthed Kim picking out a wedgy from her cavernous dumper only to have it wedge again seconds later. The scene reminded me of the documentary I once saw as a kid about the Beluga whale and how she devours bluefish.

Just then my wife said “I made you a tuna fish sandwich with extra mayo.”

Having no appetite and about to puke I said “Not real hungry right now, anything to drink?”

“I brought Yoo-hoo for the kids, I have an extra one” she said

About ready to projectile hurl I answered “I’m good over here.”

After lunch it was more of the same; bitching, then swimming, and fighting with lifeguards. My work days seem faster than this fun filled day at the pool with the wife and kids.

When we got home my wife asked “Honey, did you have fun at the swim club today?” I said I’d rather take a kick to the ballsack than ever go back again.”

“So to answer your question…NO”

Just another Day at the Swim Club (part I)

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The Stare

My wife’s grandmother will stare at you when you say something that she thinks is inappropriate. She doesn’t say a word, but the stare speaks volumes. It is like standing in front of the firing squad. You get less radiation from an MRI than you get from the stare.

She is really old, so she sometimes gives you the stare you didn’t deserve for something she thought you said. We were over my wife’s cousin house and said to her “nice rack” is it new, or did you have it fixed.

The last time I was here it was hanging lower (I get the stare). I was talking about her new wine rack, last time I was there the wine was kept in the cabinets near the floor.I said Honey “I’ll be right back I have to drain the lizard before we leave” (I get the stare)I was talking about my son’s toy lizard that that was full of water, I wanted to dump it out we wouldn’t wet the car seats.

I had third degree burns from the stare by the end of the visit.

Who Said It: Hillary or Paris?

Don't confuse having a career with having a life-Hillary
The world’s problems are our problems- Paris

If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle- Hillary
I don't think there's ever been anyone like me that's lasted. And I'm going to keep lasting-Paris

I vote and so should you- Paris
I did what people do when they do the wrong thing-Hillary

New York in the summertime is really hot!- Hillary
The government is really the voice of us all- Paris

No matter what a woman looks like, if she's confident, she's sexy- Paris
I amuse myself by constantly changing my hair- Hillary

Out of sight, out of mind - Hillary
Thank you officer, we love our police- Paris

Moldey Bagel

I'm at the local coffee house the other morning, I get my regular, medium regular with cream and sugar and a sesame-seed bagel. I look down and notice the bagel’s got blue spots on it.


I’m thinking to myself I didn’t order the blueberry what the hell is this, it turns out to be mold.

So, I say to the heavily pierced and inked kid behind the counter, "Hey this bagels’ got mold all over it!!" He says “That's just nasty, dude can you check and see how many other bagels got mold on them?”

I think when exactly did I get hired by the FDA, I missed the email on that one. “After I’m done the bagel inspection, "You need anything else?" "Maybe I can whip up a pot of decaf or sweep the floor while I at it”. The kid’s like “Seriously, you think you can open for me tomorrow? I got a Disturbed concert tonight and there is a better than excellent chance I will be wasted tonight and in nooo mood to be here early tomorrow”

Allow Me to Rant About the Play-Date Epidemic

When the hell did the “play-date” become an acceptable idea? When I was a kid you went out and played with friends after they “knocked” for you. And if they didn’t knock, you just went to the playground, basketball court, or the baseball field and found kids to play with. There was no formal agreement between parents. They were just glad to get you out of the house for awhile so they could screw like a couple of saggy-assed jackrabbits.

As kids we went out to “play”. As teenagers we went out on “dates”. We never mashed the two together to form a new thing.

Not the case today with “play-dates”. First, little Sammy’s mother’s people have to get in contact with my wife’s people or vice-versa. Then Palm Pilot’s are checked and synchronized, waivers drafted, signed in the presence of a notary public, and then security clearances are granted. A five-digit confirmation number is then text-messaged to all involved parties.

The planning and red tape takes longer than the actual event.

Sammy’s mother actually had the stones to break out a checklist in front of my wife to be sure our household was “suitable” for her fat little bastard.

The questions read like something asked of a Supreme Court nominee during a congressional hearing:

Have either of you ever been convicted of a felony?
Do you have piercings or tattoos that could possibly upset a child?
Are there guns in the house?
Are there pornographic materials in the house?

Answers: NO, NO, YES, and YES but I wish I had more, in that order. And the first NO can be easily converted to a YES if you ask one more stupid question!

“…and Sammy prefers two-ply Charmin when he makes”.

When she used the word “makes” I hoped to hell she meant it in the context of “he makes an F-14 fighter out of two-ply toilet paper” because of some obscure paper airplane FAA safety standard or something to that effect. But, if she used the word “makes” as a substitute for “takes a dump” her not so little Sammy might as well start the weekly shrink sessions ASAP.

Such preparation and aggravation just so Sammy can come to my Bobby’s house and sit in his room while playing Rampage: Total Destruction on his Play Station 2.

If you tell the kids to go outside to throw the football they look at you like you’re growing another head. My son told me he’s tired of “throwing the football” after three hours of Madden NFL 2006.

I don’t know where this is going to lead when these kids become teenagers?

Am I going to have to call the high school hotties’ mom and say “On October 23 is Pamela available for a play-date with Bobby?” “She is that’s great!” “Okay let’s synchronize here… “At around 9:00 PM right after the movie Bobby’s going to make a move, they will start with some tongue kissing… then ya know maybe a hand under the shirt, if that works out okay he will most likely slide his digits down south. “What kind of shrubbery will Bobby be dealing with? What brand of condom is agreeable? Any lubricant allergies we should be made aware of? Okay, make some calls and get back to me...”

Let’s please stop all these play-dates before it’s too late.

I’ll be outside with my bat, my ball, and my glove if anyone is interested in a father-son pickup baseball game, no appointment necessary.

Las Vegas Conventions and Uninvited Celebrities

Las Vegas Open 2006 Taekwondo Championship….Steven Hawking
International Association for Child Safety….Michael Jackson
MENSA International…..George Bush
Las Vegas Tall Club…Verne Troyer

Affordable Housing Management Association….Donald Trump
Friends of Israel….Mel Gibson
Communications Workers of America…Ozzy Osbourne
Home Sewing Association…Chuck Norris
American Dental Association 147th Annual Session…Leon Spinks
Drug Enforcement Administration…Robert Downey Jr.
Ford Motor Company… Dr Z (Nazi with gay mustache from Chrysler commercials)
Couples For Christ…Mr. and Mrs. Larry David

National Association of Tax Professionals…Jeffrey Skilling
National Nutritional Foods Association …. Rosie O’Donnell

Mid-Atlantic Council on Literacy….Mike Tyson
National Urban Fellows….Brooks and Dunn

Nevada Gay Rodeo Association…Clint Eastwood
26th Annual Breast Imaging Conference...Bill Clinton
Weight Watchers Franchise Association…Nicole Ritchie
Aqua Show…. Ted Kennedy

International Yoga Federation….Michael J. Fox

Western Beauty Rep Association….Star Jones
American Association of Gynecologic Laparoscopists …Lance Bass

National Community Pharmacists Association….Rush Limbaugh
World of Highland Dancing….George Will

Picking up the Neighbor’s Sex Mail

Our neighbors were away on vacation last week so they asked my wife to pick-up their mail everyday. She told them “no problem” she would be happy to do it. Before my wife’s new job with the US Postal Service, I would have said the couple next door is just your average normal American couple, two kids, two cars, well kept house, you get the idea.

Monday’s mail delivery yielded your average junk mail, a Ladies Home Journal, a bill from the electric company, and an issue of Playboy. My wife came back to our house with a confused look on her face “Did you know Bob reads Playboy?” she asked. Half listening to her and Jerry’s closing thought on Springer, I shot back “I doubt he reads it”. She said “I’m really disappointed in Bob, he seems like such as nice guy, I didn’t know he was into that stuff”. She was beginning to sound more like the poor guy’s mother than the next door neighbor. “You didn’t know he was into what stuff?” “Do you think he’s gay or something?” I asked. “I’m more distressed to learn about Kate’s Ladies Home Journal habit, there goes my three-way fantasy right out the window.” She then preceded to throw something hard at my head, I don't remember what it was, but boy did it leave a nice welt!

The rest of the week produced a dizzying array of XXX deliveries, enough to make Hef want to reach for a smoke. Tuesday- Penthouse and a pamphlet of the Kama Sutra. Wednesday- Swinger’s Magazine and a foreclosure notice. To me, the foreclosure notice makes perfect sense. Bob and Kate got strangers to bang!! Who can blame them for missing a mortgage payment or ten. Thursday.- Magazine featuring both sex toys and lubricants, I still have that one. Friday- UPS delivery, which my wife had to sign for, the company name on the box also appears in the magazine from Thursday’s delivery…

THOSE TWO HORNY BASTARDS, WHO KNEW??

No sex mail on Saturday. Good thing. That poor mail carrier probably didn’t have the stamina to rub another one out. She did notice a traffic court summons delivered with Bob’s name on it. Can you blame him? I’d be speeding too if I was headed to the same kinds of parties.. Maybe he got busted doing 69 in a 25?

My wife said she knew something was off with Kate. Each time my wife invites her to a Home Interior, Avon, or Tupperware party she never makes it. I told her Kate needs her rest, because her parties are just a little more physically demanding than yours. Forget the Avon parties!. I said why don’t you host a Cyberskin vibrator party? She will definitely come then, and she even may attend your party too.

Pet Peeve Number 51: Movies with Subtitles

If some foreign Director wants his piece of crap movie to be shown here in the good ole’ US of A. let him spend the few extra Francs, Deutschmarks, Rubles, or Yuan to hire a few B-movie English speaking actors to read his sorry-ass script in English.

That way when my wife drags me down to the impossible to find - art house/ lesbian bookstore/ poet’s corner/yoga hut/ movie theater to watch this slop, I don’t have to strain my eyes in an attempt to make like I’m following along. There is nothing worse than having to watch and read some hairy armpit European skank profess her love for a dead ringer for Jean Claude Van Damme minus the acting ability.

Better yet Magnus, forget shooting the movie in the first place. Just release your thoughts in a book, this way I will be left out of the whole mess. The wife can read your story whenever she wants and I’m not forced to sit through three plus hours of cinematic hell.

Some Rejected Hallmark Greeting Cards

GET WELL SOON
Front: Hope you get well soon so and make a speedy recovery.
Inside: We warned you about using a doctor who makes you undress for an eye-exam.

ANNIVERSARY
Front: Happy anniversary to my darling and beloved wife .
Inside: If you went down half as much as my mutual funds, I’d be a happy man.”

Front: Sweetheart …For our anniversary this year I want to introduce my weapon of mass destruction.
Inside: To your bush administration.

BIRTHDAY
Front: You look as good today as the first time I saw you naked.
Inside: Maybe its good we only met last week.

PROMOTION
Front: Congratulations on you’re promotion!
Inside: Now take your lips off the boss’s ass so I can buy you a drink!

MISSING YOU
Front: Thinking off you and wishing you were here
Inside: with your best friend Veronica topless in thongs and making out.

Brothers From a Different Mother?

Same whacked-out jihad looking beard. Both wish the "Fiddler on the Roof" fell off. Neither ever Tivo'd an episode of Seinfeld. Both categorize the following as his three favorite alltime "comedy" movies: "Shindler's List, Life is Beautiful, and Caddyshack" in that order.

Next Year’s Tour De France Champion: Barry Bonds

I’m confused. Floyd Landis tested positive for that illegal banned substance … testosterone? He’s a man, aren’t we supposed to have testosterone in our systems? Testing positive for estrogen, now that's problematic. I would have had been the first one to yell “You cheatin’ bitch, now take off the yellow spandex shirt and let’s see those titties you've been hiding so well”.

The International Cycling Union on Wednesday said that Landis' sample showed "an unusual level of testosterone/epitestosterone" when he was tested after Stage 17 of the race last Thursday. It doesn’t necessarily mean he cheated; he might just have a bigger testosterone producing hairy beanbag than most guys. And if that's the case, I'd take that over some silly-ass bike trophy anyday!

The following bit of information isn’t going to help Landis’ claim of being clean… he was actually eight minutes back of the leader going into Stage 17. After the stage, he was within one minute of the leader. How the hell did this happen? Did the rest of the guys just stop riding altogether on Stage 17? “Guys, I think in the name of good sportsmanship let’s let Landis catch up. He looked so sad after Stage 16 like he was going to cry.”

I played many sports and sucked at each one fairly equally. I know what it’s like to lose, and to lose, and to lose again. I’ve been eight minutes behind in a race before. The sad part is that it was a forty-yard dash. If I came out the next day and came close to winning a race I would expect suspicions would be raised.

Could this be an anti-American backlash by the French? This was the 8th straight year an American won the Tour. The Armstrong accusations of last year and now this? I thought the only banned substances in France were soap, toothpaste, and deodorant?

Granted Landis is not Lance. Armstrong won the damned thing with one nut, so right from the start he had 1/2 the testosterone of Landis, and that was before Floyd allegedly cheated.

Do the math if you don't believe me!

It was nice of Floyd’s mommy to come out and defend him. Well, she didn’t come out, that was Lance Bass who came out, I meant see just defended him. She’s not a lesbian, I don’t think. His mother says it's not true... my mother used to tell me I was smart and handsome. Take that for what it's worth.

His mother seems like a nice dignified older woman. She is a folksy rural Mennonite who lives with her husband in a farmhouse in Pennsylvania Dutch country. But I do question her knowledge of the whole performance enhancing drug problem when she said: “My little Floyd would never even think of trying Asteroids”

Landis is suspended, pending results of the backup "B" sample of his drug test. If that test comes back positive he can kiss the title good-bye.

Gotta go now, with football season just around the corner its time for me start shopping my “clean urine” over on eBay.

Ramblings about Summer Movies I Didn’t See

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest- We know Johnny Depp looks like Keith Richards but as a Pirate. We got the joke the first time.

Little Man- Hah, and you thought Verne Troyer was just sitting by the phone waiting for Austin Powers IV to happen.

You, Me and Dupree- How about just ‘Kate Hudson and Me’. Dupree can go play out on the freeway.

Little Miss Sunshine- Finally, a Ryan Seacrest biopic, I’ve been waiting.

Clerks II- Good Movie- 0

A Scanner Darkly- Prequel to next summer’s “A Fax Machine Lightly” part two of Paramount’s ‘Office Depot’ trilogy.

Click- Most reviewers wish they had the remote.

Miami Vice- If you are going to steal from the 80’s NBC Friday night lineup for the big screen, how ‘bout a little “Hello Larry” over here please!

The Lake House- Sounds like a fast-paced, laugh out loud, over the top comedy much like the outrageously funny “That Wooden Shed” or that knee-slapper “Old Maple Tree”

Nacho Libre- Should have been titled “Nacho Cheese” after the promo visual of Jack Black in tights.

Superman Returns- And boy is he pissed about the new Under Armour Kryptonite work-out gear that’s all the rage!

The Devil Wears Prada- Right before he goes to Georgia looking for a soul to steal.

Strangers With Candy- That’s no stranger kids, his name’s Michael and he’s a 45 year old Peter Pan wannabe with plastic nostrils, so run.

Monster House- The place where the Stranger with Candy spanks Bubbles his chimp.

Cars- Really just cartoon cars.

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift: Title accurately describes the following: my speedy performances in bed and my wife’s reaction, and my Japanese sailing experience.

An Inconvenient Truth- Supposed to be much better than last year's “Handy Bullshit," but not as much fun.

Lady in Water- Please tell me she’s swimming naked!

Leonard Cohen: I’m Your Man: No Lenny, you’re not my man, but you are my urologist and a damned good one at that.

My Super Ex-Girlfriend- That you stole, is now your bitchy ex-wife with half your cash.

The Break-Up- See My Super Ex-Girlfriend.

Who Killed the Electronic Car? - Great, a freakin’ pop-quiz! I give up. Who? The Electric Train?

Wordplay- I call it foreplay, and the word I use is “PLEASE!!”

Uptown Girl Headed for Midtown Divorce

Can we NOT USE the prefix “model” when writing or discussing Christie Brinkley? She’s fifty-two, she used to model in bikinis and sexy underwear like thirty years ago.

Don't get me wrong, she is still a MILF, but I haven't gotten any in so long Rosie O'Donnell is starting to look real MILF-like too.

Does she have any hobbies besides divorce? Can we call her “Animal Rights Activist” Christie Brinkley, or “Day Trader” Christie Brinkley. I’ve seen her in infomercials with Chuck Norris, so couldn’t we call her “Spokesperson for some useless workout shit sold late at night” Christie Brinkley. Unless she is modeling in Depends or denture cream the expiration date is up on the model moniker.

This is the fourth marriage down the tubes for Christie. She was previously married to Frenchman Jean-Francois Allaux, singer Billy Joel, developer Richard Taubman, and now architect Peter Cook. Did Christie drive Billy Joel to drink? Did Billy drive into the trees while thinking of Christie? These are questions that need answers people.

Diana Bianchi; a 19-year-old reveals that she and Cook had a yearlong affair. She told the New York Post that Cook, 47, met her at a toy store, hired her as an assistant at his firm and seduced her with gifts. At first given her age I thought she was shopping at the toy store for Barbie’s or something, but apparently she was an employee.

Bianchi also told Fox 5 News in New York that she knew he was married but things just "escalated."

He bought her a Cadillac Escalated? Sweet.

Bianchi's attorney, Joseph Tacopina, claimed that she will be a "vital witness" should the couple pursue divorce.

Tacopina told The Associated Press that Cook "first lured this girl into his web by employing her ... and then showering her with gifts." He described their relationship as consensual, but claimed Cook's role as employer and his gifts of a car, money and jewelry could possibly constitute sexual harassment.

If gifts, cars, and money are considered sexual harassment, I want my wife to show up early to work to start getting sexually harassed. Maybe she could even work overtime or weekends. I need a new car and a Rolex. Cash works real nice too.

I think this thing is a big misunderstanding. Cook brought Bianchi to work on “Take Your Daughter to Work Day”. Peter misunderstood the concept, he thought he had to take somebody else’s daughter to work, namely Mr. Bianchi's daughter. It’s an honest mistake

"Being put in the position that (Cook) put her in, which was to be financially dependent on him ... as long as she provided sex — that's the relationship that the law frowns upon when you're an employer and an employee." Tacopina said he had no immediate plans for a law suit.

Not immediate plans for a lawsuit? Sure, he needs to get back to the office first, then the lawsuit. He will take his time getting to the office (go for haircut, stop for lunch) that is why plans aren’t immediate.

More original programming for Court TV is on the way…

Separated At Birth?

First Week of July News to Peruse

Al Gore to address Wal-Mart executives
Al Gore will take his campaign against global warming to Wal-Mart Stores Inc. next week, speaking at Wal-Mart headquarters to executives who could give a rat’s ass about the environment, but look forward to this remedy for their chronic insomnia.

Man claims Jackson hired him to adopt boys
A former associate suing Michael Jackson' for $1.6 million suddenly claimed on the witness stand Friday that he once was dispatched to help the pop star adopt boys in Brazil, but the singer's attorney denounced the story as a smear “I vehemently deny these false and libelous allegations, Michael at no time had the desire to adopt boys in Brazil, he just wanted to borrow the boys for sleepovers and it was Portugal not Brazil.”

ACLU probes N.M. gay-gym raid
A weekend raid by law enforcement officers of the gay Pride Gym in Albuquerque, N.M., that left patrons "bullied, terrorized and humiliated" has prompted the ACLU and other groups to inquire into possible civil rights violations there. Patrons of the gym also protested the officers less than thorough cavity search.

Early drinking may speed alcohol dependence
People who begin to drink alcohol before the age of 14 years are not only more likely to become alcoholics than those who stay away from alcohol until they're 21. The research also suggests people who drink in the afternoon will get drunk before people who wait until night fall to start.

Piece of man's skull falls off, draws crowds
Doctors say a large, dead section of 25-year-old electrician Sambhu Roy's skull came away Sunday after severe burns starved it of blood .The piece came off Sunday and hundreds of people and dozens of doctors now crowd around his bed, where he lies holding the bone. After handing the piece over to the doctors, the police arrested Roy for giving head.

Operation removes lightbulb from anus
Fateh Mohammad, a prison inmate in Pakistan, says he woke up last weekend with a glass lightbulb in his anus. Doctors successfully removed the light bulb much to the delight of Fateh’s two cellmates; Al-Lik-Aman and Fahrk-Fateh-Zilye.

Putin kissed boy 'like a kitten'
Vladimir Putin's decision to stop a small boy as he walked through the Kremlin and kiss his stomach was prompted by a desire to "touch him like a kitten," the Russian president said on Thursday. When asked to comment Michael Jackson said “Yuk, he’s even worse than me, he fantasizes about pussy when he does it, that’s really creepy.”

Fat people not more jolly, survey says
According to a study obesity is strongly linked with depression and other mood disorders. So fat people are not more jolly, but they eat more jelly than thin people.

Study: Money Does Not Buy Much Happiness
Although most people imagine that if they had more money they could do more fun things and perhaps be happier, the reality seems to be that those with higher incomes tend to be tenser, and spend less time on simple leisurely activities. Due to the results of the study when referring to the less fortunate, the rich must now say “Look at that poor happy bastard.”

Britons tire of cruel, vulgar US: according to poll
People in Britain view the United States as a vulgar, crime-ridden society obsessed with money and led by an incompetent president whose Iraq policy is failing, according to a newspaper poll. They also have a strong distaste for the seven out of ten American dentists who recommend Crest.

Almost 4th of July Firework Mishap (part II)

Dad said "Yes we are interested" and asked Ned Beatty’s worst nightmare what he had for sale. “Hell, I got shit that would take down a small nation” replied mutton chops to the delight of the second trucker who resembled Don Knotts if he wore a cowboy hat and had both arms covered with bad black ink tattoos. He guffawed loudly through the open real estate in his face where teeth once resided.

As the door lifted we got a full view of this arsenal on eighteen wheels. “I got ½ sticks. ¼ sticks of dynamite, I got M-80, M-100, M-200, I got roman candles and Greek candles, I got cherry bombs and apple bombs, I got enough firecrackers to line a trail from here to Savannah and back again!!.

Our once comfortable station wagon was now cramped with enough explosive material to bring down The Vet while it was still in its prime. My brother and I had stacks of both M80s and ¼ sticks under our legs in the back seat. Dad looked back at us and smiled with the newly lit Lucky Strike dangling from lips. “You ladies gotta use the bathroom to change your pads or anything” he laughingly asked us. I didn’t know about my brother but I didn’t need to take a pit stop because I already practically shit my pants having WWIII between my knees. My brother was sweaty, ashen faced, motionless, and apparently unable to reply, but mom wanted to stretch her legs, so we pulled over.

My hunger soon replaced my fear as I thought about the Arby’s Double R Bar burger I was about to scarf down on our brief stop. With the combination of a grumbling stomach and the thought of being a castrated six-year old I couldn’t exit the shitwagaon fast enough. As I hopped out I noticed my chain smoking father sparking another Lucky Strike from the depleted one he just finished.

My brother not only sprang to life, but sprinted like Carl Lewis toward the Arby’s bathroom. Dad was quickly dismissing mom’s concerns about the safety of traveling with munitions. “Only idiots who don’t know what they are doing get hurt” he said. “It’s the morons you read about every year who lose body parts, I’m no moron and I ain’t about to lose any body parts”. Mom in all her gullibility seemed satisfied with this idiotic rant and put her head on my dad’s shoulder as they laughed their way toward the restaurant.

With full bellies my brother and I talked about how cool we’d look to the kids in the neighborhood with our new 4th of July toys. Just think about the fire power we are going to display in just two short days? It was just then we heard the loudest explosion ever, followed by the second loudest ever, then the third loudest ever..

HOLY SHIT, THE SHITWAGON JUST EXPLODED!!

The passenger door flew in the air like a tossed crushed aluminum can, windows shattered with quick and violent pop after pop. Stream after stream of multiple colors took to the sky followed by louder popping. My Mickey Mouse ears were on fire, luggage burned like logs in a fireplace. After what seemed like forever with the explosions and popping sound, a black smoldering mountain was all that was left our car.

After questioning and interrogation by multiple law enforcement agencies at both the federal and local levels, it was determined that hell at the rest stop was caused by I’m no moron’s still lit cigarette. He of course quickly tried to blame mom who hadn’t had a cigarette in six months, then asked if me or my brother were smokers.

After the arrest and the fines, we were driven to the airport by the South Carolina State Police and told in so many words to “never to show our Yankee asses in my state again’. The flight home was not too bad with not having any luggage to check in and all. To add irony to insult, the movie on the flight home was called “Fire” starring Ernest Borgnine and Patty Duke. When dad saw the opening credits he asked the flight attendant to keep the Scotch on the rocks coming fast.

Almost 4th of July Firework Mishap (part I)

I was just an excited kid on the car ride home from my families first and last Disney vacation when my older brother asked dad to stop and buy fireworks for the upcoming 4th of July holiday. Fully expecting my father’s backhand to catch me first before connecting to my brother’s empty melon, I was shocked and pleasantly surprised to hear my father say “That’s a great idea!”. Looking to ride coattails I chimed in with “I want fireworks too!!”. I was quickly rebuffed by Dad with “If I wanted any shit out of you I would have squeezed your head!!” At least he didn’t say no.

We traveled north on I-95 through South Carolina and saw big billboards advertising the sale of fireworks. So Dad pulled the shitwagon off the interstate and stopped at a place called “South of the Border”; a Mexican styled campground and theme park. I thought it was strange because I didn’t notice any Mexicans working there at all. Maybe they pay too well for Americans not to work there?

We followed the signs to the gift shop where they apparently sold fireworks. The guy working the counter said “They were plum out of most of the good stuff.” The only thing he had left were something we called sparklers. There were basically two reasons for this, the first being you could buy sparklers anywhere in the northeast, and the second, no kid wanted to be caught dead with a sparkler in his neighborhood on the 4th of July. The little sparkles may last a minute or two, but the verbal abuse could possibly continue until you go away to college.

My dad, brother, and I looked like three dejected kids who just lost their puppy. Mom, on the other hand was smiling and looking toward the sky while saying “Thank you, thank you.” It was just at that point when we were confronted by two good ole boy truckers who just exited the convoy and nearly avoided Smokey. The one who spoke first wore a Civil War type cap and had long mutton chop sideburns. His hairy belly protruded from the multi-stained unintentional half-shirt he was wearing. “Y’all in need of fireworks” is what I made out before being distracted by the stream of Skoal chewing tobacco that shot from his lips and landed on the pointy tip of his right cowboy boot..

One Bourbon, One Scotch, and One Ringtone

People who talk on cell phones while driving, even using "hands-free" devices, are as impaired as drunken drivers, researchers said Thursday.

“If legislators really want to address driver distraction, then they should consider outlawing cell phone use while driving," said Frank Drews, an assistant professor of psychology at the University of Utah who worked on the study.

Researchers studied 40 volunteers who used a driving simulator four times--while undistracted, using a handheld cell phone, using a hands-free cell phone and while intoxicated to a 0.08 percent blood-alcohol level--the average legal level of impairment in the United States--after drinking vodka and orange juice.

Three study participants rear-ended the simulated car in front of them. All were talking on cell phones and none was drunk, the researchers said. Motorists who talked on either handheld or hands-free cell phones drove slightly more slowly, were 9 percent slower to hit the brakes, and varied their speed more than undistracted drivers.

Does this mean if you drink and drive hands-free you will do slightly better than if not? I have to bring out my beer funnel more often when I hit the road.

I agree with the research about talking and driving. Now typing and driving is another story. In fact I’m posting this entry from my Blackberry 8700 while stuck in traffic, and ironically enough drinking Blackberry Brandy at the same time. I’m just kidding I would never drink Brandy and drive at the same time so I did the right thing and waited for this traffic jam to start before I started. But, my cell phone is turned off. I have to respect the study.

No Kidding? It’s been a year already!

It been a year since Jacko got acquitted of child molestation. I sure as hell hope he didn’t try to celebrate this miscarriage of justice anniversary at the Bahrain Chuck-E-Cheese.

Top Ten Reasons I Think Wacko-Jacko was Guilty

10. After acquittal he volunteered for community service - 500 hours at a day care center.
9. His favorite NBA player: Jason Kidd
8. Banned from all telethons: Jerry’s kids filed a restraining order
7. His favorite pick-up line “Can I buy you a Jesus Juice Box?”
6. Wanted to sing duet with The Who’s Pete Townshend “The Kids are Alright.”
5. During sleep-over claims he was just “Disciplining his chimp; Bubbles”, but the kids say he was really spanking the monkey
4. Rewrote lyrics for hit Billie Jean: "Billie Jean is not my lover, but her son Billy is"
3. Legal disclaimer cited for divorce from Lisa-Marie Pressley “She’s not a 12-year old boy.”
2. He’s not only fascinated with the Elephant Man, but also thinks his grandsons are hot

And the number one reason I think Wacko-Jacko was guilty…
Admitted to inappropriate contact with his inner child.

Ashlee Simpson Nose Best

Ashlee Simpson went from black haired, punk/skater chick with big nose and no talent; to blonde haired hottie with little nose and no talent. She is still un-listenable but much easier on the eyes.

Barbra Streisand once said she would never get a nose job because she thought it might have a negative effect on her vocal performance. Maybe this is why Ashlee decided to have her nose job? She has nothing to lose. Here is my depiction of Simon Cowell after suffering through Ashlee singing as a contestant on ‘American Idol’:

“Paula and Randy I hold in my hand two ice picks. I want you to each take one and ram it as hard as bloody possible in into each of my ears!” “And just in case by some miracle I can still hear, Seacrest I want you kick me as hard as possible in the undercarriage and inflict pain so searing I will forget what I just heard!!”

My World Cup Primer

I’m not going to watch a minute of the World Cup. If I wanted to see a never ending parade of balls being kicked I’d just TiVo ‘America Funniest Home Videos’ you pick the season.

I have the same level of interest in soccer as Elton John has in taking a gander at the Heather Mills nudie pics. But, since my complete lack of knowledge has never stopped me from offering my opinion before, here goes:

Group A
Germany - German engineering of the scoreboard won’t help…. NO SHOT
Costa Rica- A banana harvesting tournament they win, but soccer …. NO SHOT
Poland- No help from the pope this year …. NO SHOT
Ecuador- see Cost Rica …. NO SHOT

Group B
England- Team photo revealed only one good set of teeth …. NO SHOT
Paraguay- see Ecuador …. NO SHOT
Trinidad and Tobago- Who knew about these two? Don’t ask don’t tell? …. NO SHOT
Sweden- The women are hot, the soccer is not …. NO SHOT

Group C
Argentina- Could win? (I got nothing)
Cote d’Ivoire- Great restaurant you really should try the lamb …. NO SHOT
Serbia and Montenegro- These two drink Zima with Trinidad and Tobago …. NO SHOT
Netherlands- Heineken won’t even help …. NO SHOT

Group D
Mexico- Too tired from all the border chases …. NO SHOT
Iran- Cab driving and flag burning final four- yes; but soccer …. NO SHOT
Angola- Brangelina’s favorite team…. NO SHOT
Portugal- see Argentina

Group E
Italy- Unless you’re the goalie, no hands allowed …. NO SHOT
Ghana- rhea …. NEED A SHOT
USA- They score less than me at spring break …. NO SHOT
Czech Republic- It’s not hockey or tennis, its soccer…. NO SHOT

Group F
Brazil- see Portugal
Croatia ….Won independence, lost in soccer…. NO SHOT
Australia- G’day mate, bad soccer mate …. NO SHOT
Japan- Japanese collaborating in Germany? The outcome can’t be good…. NO SHOT

Group G
France- Great at running.. away …. NO SHOT
Switzerland …. Yodeling contest they win, but soccer …NO SHOT
Korea Republic- Is to soccer what Hyundai is to car …. NO SHOT
Togo- No go…. NO SHOT

Group H
Spain- see Brazil
Ukraine …. Vodka chugging contest they win…NO SHOT
Tunisia- Brangelina’s second favorite team…. NO SHOT
Saudi Arabia- Terrorism and oil price gauging contest, but not soccer…. NO SHOT

I’m a Computer Illiterate

Some recent headlines from Geekville.. “Google to Bundle Software on Dell PCs” “Symantec Anti Virus Software Flawed”, “Yahoo, eBay Join Forces in Defense Against Google”

What does it all mean? Don’t ask me I don’t know? Who am I Bill Flippin Gates? Just the mere mention of the word microsoft conjures up painful memories of my wife’s all too vivid recollection of our first sexual encounter. Give me a break - I was very drunk, it was really, really cold (okay it happened after the 4th of July fireworks; and I was as sober as a Mormon elder).

I finally decided to call “Shall Remain Nameless Company” tech support because I’m having trouble with spam and viruses in my email. I can’t open my email without another advertisement in 16 point font boasting; “Add 4 inches to your penis in two weeks” C’mon now this is just plain ridiculous and a bit insulting. Besides, what in the world am I going to do with a 13-incher?? Host a human limbo contest?

How you doin’ ladies? What’s that you say? The microsoft comment is that really true? I don’t want to talk about that right now, let’s just move on okay…

When I called ‘SRNC’ tech support I was greeted by a language last heard on a recent taxi ride. “Halo this is Joe Smeeth with techneecal subbort, how may I hop you?”

Oh Fug Me!! If his name’s Joe Smith, my name is Rasheed Wallace. A few minutes of me politely regurgitating “uh-huh” after “uh-huh” went by. He may have been telling me to remove the cover from the PC, drop my pants and teabag my motherboard for all I could tell since I couldn’t understand a word being spoken.

Already knowing the answer but asking anyway “Are you located in here in America?” I dumbly offered. He replied “No Bangalore” Did he just tell me to “go bang a whore??" I was really having communications problems between my broken cell phone and his broken English. So I politely asked him to transfer me to someone in the U.S. After reciting statistics about how their call center was the best in the world, at least I think that’s what was being said he reluctantly obliged my request.

“What’s up bro this is Travis with SRNC tech support” “Is there some bogus stuff happening with your PC, let me hear all about it”

After I repeated my issues twice and much slower the second time, I wondered how stoned this kid actually was. As each minute passed I was growing more and more frustrated. I was just about to hang up when he chimes in with “I got it, I got it, I know what the problem is, it’s right here in the annual” I said “You mean manual”. He replied “Is that like a book with instructions?” I said “Yea, you could say that” He replied “Right on bud, then that’s what I got in front me.”

Tech support Spicoli then tells me “Dude you just need to DISABLE McAfee” “How do I do that?” I asked, “I don’t know, KICK HIM IN THE NUTS, I GUESS?, it’s only my first day here dude!”

Stunned and partially amused I hung up the phone and recalled the egg frying in the pan during the “this is your brain” ad campaign from a few years ago.

I have to go now. It’s time to answer my spam and do a redial with Joe Smith back in Bangalore, maybe there something to all those great statistics after all?