Ten things I’m thankful for….

1. Not seeing OJ Simpson getting a chance to wield another Sharpie, this time at his book signing.



2. Suzanne Sommers years of clinical research on hormones.



3. Clay Aiken not washing his hand before it covered Kelly Ripa’s mouth.



4. I’m not in Mark Foley’s IM address book.



5. The Kevin Federline CD contains no bonus tracks.



6. Rosie O’Donnell likes only women.



7. Tom Cruise knowing the history of Psychology.



8. Keanu Reeves still not being nominated for an Oscar.



9. Deal or No Deal.



10. Not being Wesley Snipes accountant.

Kramer is Not Even as Wacky as Michael Richards

Michael Richards will appear on ‘The Late Show’ with David Letterman to apologize for going all Daniel Carver on some black hecklers at ‘The Laugh Factor’ in LA. I don’t know about you but I’m not sure Richards will reach the aggrieved party on the Letterman show. Dave and his audience are whiter than January in North Dakota. Al Roker, both of the Gumbel brothers, and Steve Urkel say all is forgiven Kramer!


If he really wants to make amends he should don a bullet proof vest and apologize on the ‘BET Hip Hop Awards’ . He should also wear a new pair of inline skates and a motorcycle helmet so as to try to avoid the inevitable beating:

“Hi everyone my name is Michael Richards and what I said the other night was racist, hateful, and downright ludicrous. Now I would like to award the album of the year to Ludicrous….Peace I’m out”.

Then skate like a MOFO out of there.

When will the celebrity crowd catch up with the rest of us in corporate America and realize you never talk about race…period? Corporations routinely send its employees to diversity classes or sexual harassment classes. The classes are not intended as a means of discipline, but rather a means to prevent employees from crossing the acceptable boundaries of race and or sexual conversation or behavior.

Richards is a knucklehead and should have known better. But the bigger question is “Why the hell is this guy doing standup in the first place?” He is fifty-seven years old, stand-up comedy is for the struggling young guy trying to get on a sitcom, not the old rich guy who starred on one of the most successful sitcoms in history.

Did Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David bounce one of his residual checks?

Maybe his next gig can be an open mic night over at Mel Gibson’s Malibu Chuckle Hut.

Hasta la vista, BABY

He’s back for another four years. Just a few short months ago many thought Arnold Schwarzenegger's role as the Governator was about left on the editing room floor. But, Arnold like many of his movie characters ain’t going out like that. Going into Election Day he held a sixteen point lead over his challenger; Phil Angelides and he will coast to an easy victory.

Champagne for the campaign. Quick somebody find Uncle Ted a ride home from the victory celebration.

This race wasn’t nearly as fun as his first time. Do you remember the cast of characters? Let me refresh your memory: Arianna Huffington, Gary Coleman, Larry Flynt, Porn star Mary Carey.

There was more mangled English during that Huffington – Schwarzenegger debate than during the whole Revolutionary War. I think I remember the LA Times asking Gary Coleman what separates him from the other candidates; he said he is the only candidate not tall enough to ride on Space Mountain at Disneyland. Gary Coleman needed a step stool just to stuff the ballot box.

Do you remember the great exchange between Gary Coleman and Larry Flynt? Gary bragged about how he personally responsible for years of ‘Different Strokes’, Flynt shot back “Hell, I’m responsible for years of solo strokes!” It was priceless stuff.

Who could forget Mary Carey and her insightful answers to such hard hitting questions like “What is your position on abortion?” Her careful response if I remember correctly was “Which time?”

Arnold trounced the other wannabes without too much trouble and then took down Grey Davis after that to become a foreign born Governor in a state where nearly everyone is foreign born… Only in America.

The first time around Arnold was a Conservative Republican in the mold of President Bush. This time around he has morphed into a Democrat. He is Al Gore on steroids. He’s passed legislation enacting strict standards for alternative energy, pollution and greenhouse-gas emissions. He supports gay marriage, stem-cell research, gun control, the minimum wage and health care.

He is the jolly green giant for Pete's sake. When he is asked about President Bush his responses make him sound more like ‘Borat’ than a Reagan Conservative. On ‘The Tonight Show’ he dropped the following knowledge on America “'To link me to George Bush is like linking me to an Oscar,', it’s ridiculous.” He also bailed from the capital when the President came to offer support. I guess he really is ‘The Running Man’.

What a difference a year makes. During his last brush with California voters is 2005 his four referenda questions were bitched slapped from San Diego to San Francisco. I just hope a grateful Arnie doesn't pull a Sally Field "You like me, you really like me!" and if he does I hope it's in closed captioning so we all can laugh at it.

No matter how he did it, you have to give him props. He is truly a politician in every sense of the word. He is up on the all the issues and both parties apparently like him.

He’s come along way in three short years. It seems like yesterday when the press asked what he thought about fetal stem cells, he said he hasn’t made up his mind, but if they could add size to his triceps he’d try them.

A Courtesy Flush Would Be Nice

As a rule of thumb I think the bathroom should be viewed the same way as a library. It doesn’t matter if it’s the bathroom at home, the work bathroom, or public restroom. You can read all you wish but strict silence and focus must be maintained at all times.

Apply the following common sense practices at work or in a public restroom:

1. Don’t ever talk to me when I’m in full lock-down mode perched atop the shitter. I need to focus on the delivery I’m about to drop off and I’m not really looking for a Q&A session about last night’s LOST. Besides, my half of the dialogue would just be grunts and groans anyway.

2. Speaking of grunts and groans; please keep your volume to a reasonable level. Nobody wants to hear you replicate delivery room audio over there in stall number three. You might want to look into a stool softener.

3. Never ask me for a high-five when I exit the stall, let me wash up and dry first then we can talk about that high-five.

4. Never use the middle urinal if both left and right are open. The next guy having to take a leak doesn’t want to go next to you and he’s wondering if you were forced to use the middle urinal because the other two were taken, or if you’re just a weird bastard looking to pecker check.

5. Rule number 4 also applies for stalls, never use the middle. It’s only acceptable to use the middle stall if both the left and right are occupied or were heavily abused by the people before you.

6. While at the urinal eyes forward at all times, no exceptions.

7. Never say the following phrases to anyone at the urinal: “Shake it don’t break it”, “How’s it hanging?”, “You shake more than twice you’re playing with it”, or “Is that water cold today?” Your alarming interest in my junk makes for an uncomfortable bathroom experience.

8. Note for the bathroom attendant at the nightclub: I don’t want a Tic-Tac, condom, cologne, gum, or any other dollar store trinket you may be peddling and I can dry my own hands, but thanks for your concern. If you like bathrooms so much go be a plumber’s apprentice.

Home bathroom rules:

1. If you happen to use the toilet paper down to the bottom please take a few seconds to replace the roll for the next person. That 2”x 3” two-ply paper square stuck to the otherwise empty roll isn’t going to help me close the deal.

2. If you just took the dump of a lifetime and you feel the toilet is clogged you might want to use that stick thingy next to the toilet, it’s called a plunger.

3. I tend to leave the seat up, that’s just the way I roll. So what? Why do I need to hear about it time after time after time? Just put it down and save the lecture. I’ve flushed down more than a few panty liners and you never heard jack from me.

4. Yes, that odor of a decomposed woodland creature came from you. Its okay to spray air freshener as liberally as possible, in fact it’s required.

Paris, you be North Korea: Nicole, you be South Korea

Over in North Korea Kim Jong "Licensed to" Il is over compensating for his shortcomings by playing nuclear dungeons and dragons. Iraq is the brink of civil war between the the Shiites, the Sunis, the Kurds, the Turds, the Trogs and some IED carrying jag-off named Omar who hates everything about the West except his new 80GB iPod. Meanwhile back here in the good ole' US of A it’s getting difficult to distinguish between a member of Congress and a member of NAMBLA.

Despite all the despair in the rest of the world I couldn’t be more excited that my two favorite Hollywood Hos are best friends forever again; Paris and Nicole. Their eighteen month feud just seemed like forever to me.

They met for dinner at Dan Tana’s Steakhouse in LA last week. This must have really screwed up the paparazzi. The last place they would expect to find these two dim-witted stick figures is at a steak house. Saladworks, sure, Taco Bell, alright, but a steakhouse? I heard the meal went really well, they not only ate off each other’s plate, but had a nice simultaneous bulimic after dinner purge in the ladies room just for old time sake. That's hot.

The public never really found out what the big feud was about. I’m betting it was an argument over shoes or the merits of wave-particle duality. Someone please tell Bob Woodward to leave Bush alone and get to the bottom of this already!

If these two can patch up their complex and multi-layered differences maybe world peace is a real possibility after all.

Paging Former Congressman Mark Foley

Mark Foley stood beside President Bush as he signed legislation to enact tougher federal laws against child predators. Good thing for Bush, Foley didn’t stand behind him, he might have a more confused look on his face than usual.

From my ‘No Shit’ file here is a little news flash: “Washington DC is not a safe place for young people.” If you don’t believe me just ask Monica Lewinsky, or the kid who is the designated driver for Ted Kennedy.

The political arena is nothing more than a cesspool of people with power and influence who will say anything or do anything to get re-elected and Washington acts as the landfill where all the shit mixes together to emit the stank that is American politics.

In public they preach about morals and family values, but their private their lives could fill the whole season of HBO’s ‘Real Sex’. Any parent who lets their kid go to Washington to be an intern, page, or anything else should have their heads examined, and if the parents are hot enough they may just get a politician to do the examination.

Absolute power corrupts absolutely, and there is a whole lot of Absolut flowing in D.C.. Holy shit did I just write that? Does anybody remember California Congressman Gary Condit and his intern/girlfriend Chandra Levy; who was kidnapped and murdered? The married Condit got more side-ass than all the Rolling Stones combined during the ‘Some Girls’ tour in ’78. The Levy murder has yet to be solved.

Look at the Catholic priest molestation scandal and cover-up, Clinton-Lewinsky, McGreevey and his boyfriend/ Homeland Security advisor, and now Mark Foley. Foley is now a former congressman with a lot of free time and a sticky keyboard.

Does Microsoft have an emoticon for “Never IM me again you sick middle-aged bastard” yet? Maybe a red X covering a guy in a trench coat?

Foley was a member of the House, whose career was ruined because he wanted details about the member of a teenage page from his house. The House leader from the Republican Party knew about this and still did nothing.

Foley’s lawyer tried to defend him by first saying he’s an alcoholic. I don’t care how many Cosmopolitans he downs, it’s no excuse. Then the lawyer said Foley is gay, another revelation from the ‘No Shit’ file. He was also molested as a teenager by clergy, he will have to take a number and get in line with that last excuse. Next the lawyer will blame Dell for selling Foley the computer. Let’s blame everyone but the predator himself, and lawyers wonder why they are so hated.

A final note to parents: Don’t send your kids to Washington to work a summer job. They can get the same experiences in Las Vegas, Rio, or Key West, with people their own age without all the politics getting in the way.

Top Ten Signs Your Kid Has a Bad School Bus Driver

10.Only other “kids” on school bus are Budweiser tall boys…empties
9. He likes your mailbox so much he ran it over
8. He wants kids to kick in lunch money to cover some gambling debts
7. Has the amazing ability to piss out the bus window and drive simultaneously
6. Bus bumper sticker reads: “Don’t like my driving, dial 1-800-EAT-SHIT"
5. He wears suspenders but no pants
4. During latest DUI arrest told trooper he was the designated driver.. he was the only one in the car
3. Has 20/20 vision in the good eye, lost the other one during Mardi Gras
2. Can’t stop at certain houses without violating some restraining orders

and the number sign your kid has a bad school bus driver...
1. Likes to open the bus door using his ass

Just another Day at the Swim Club (part II)

As I walked over the edge of the pool to check on my two kids who were in the pool, I noticed they made a new friend. I couldn’t make out his age, but he was as tall as he was wide. He wasn’t so much talking to my kids as he was launching half eaten Doritos into the pool with words that followed. The kid mumbled something to me and walked away. I couldn’t make out what he said as I was too busy ducking nacho cheese covered shrapnel. The pool now had an orange covered surface as Doritos boy disappeared from sight.

At that point, the soon to be on duty female butch lifeguard walked behind me and barked “HEY KIDS NO EATING IN THE POOL!!”. I turned around and saw this 6’5” behemoth with multiple piercings and red, white, and blue Mohawk haircut. As I glanced down I noticed she wasn’t particularly well groomed. Okay, that’s a real understatement. It looked like she had Justin Guarini in a leg lock.

I said “MY KIDS weren’t eating in the pool” She replied “Do I look STUPID?”
I answered “Was that a trick question?”

I got my kids out of the pool and we made our back to the bitching wives club. As we approached I could see they were all smiling at Lars; the musclehead Swede swimming instructor in the banana hammock Speedo. His hands were at his hips as the wives guffawed over every lame broken bit of English he spoke. “Lars, you are too funny”, “Your accent is just too cute”. They were all gushing like a bunch of sixteen year olds with a high school crush. As he turned to walk away they let out a collective lustful sigh and a “Bye Lars”.

I could hear my wife say to Michelle amazed “Did you see how long it was?” Michelle replied “Oh my god and how wide too!” Feeling a rush of jealous insecurity I blurted out “He’s no bigger than most guys!!” “He probably wraps it up in Saran wrap two or three times before he puts that damned Speedo on!”.

My startled wife said “I don’t know what the hell you are talking about?” “But we are talking about Lars new tattoo of the Swedish flag he just got because he is so homesick.” “It covers the left side of his chest.”

I said “Oh, ya I know. He supposed to keep that thing covered until the ink properly sets, some people use Saran wrap for a cover that’s all I was saying”

Now fully embarrased, I yelled “Hey Kids let's go back to the pool right now!"

What followed couldn’t have come at a better time for me. A woman alternated between a scream and a cry: “Douglas, Douglas, please has ANYONE seen my Douglas”

None of the other mothers showed any concern for this panic stricken woman. I was later told the search for Douglas happens on average once a week.

It turns out little Douglas is quite the prankster. He managed to follow his psycho mother around step for step around the park for roughly twenty minutes during her frenzied search without her knowing. It wasn’t until Douglas noticed another kid with his swimming goggles with the attached snorkel that he was found out.

Douglas hunched his shoulders and sprinted full out toward the unsuspecting snorkel stealer driving him head first in into the lawn; a takedown that would make Jeremiah Trotter proud.

The clueless mother ran over to her son gave him a squeeze and cried “Douglas, I thought I would never see you again.” Meanwhile, the other kid had a mouth full of turf impaled by his braces.

My wife yelled over to the pool “Hey guys, it’s time for lunch” As we made our way to the picnic tables I noticed loudmouthed Kim picking out a wedgy from her cavernous dumper only to have it wedge again seconds later. The scene reminded me of the documentary I once saw as a kid about the Beluga whale and how she devours bluefish.

Just then my wife said “I made you a tuna fish sandwich with extra mayo.”

Having no appetite and about to puke I said “Not real hungry right now, anything to drink?”

“I brought Yoo-hoo for the kids, I have an extra one” she said

About ready to projectile hurl I answered “I’m good over here.”

After lunch it was more of the same; bitching, then swimming, and fighting with lifeguards. My work days seem faster than this fun filled day at the pool with the wife and kids.

When we got home my wife asked “Honey, did you have fun at the swim club today?” I said I’d rather take a kick to the ballsack than ever go back again.”

“So to answer your question…NO”

Just another Day at the Swim Club (part I)

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The Stare

My wife’s grandmother will stare at you when you say something that she thinks is inappropriate. She doesn’t say a word, but the stare speaks volumes. It is like standing in front of the firing squad. You get less radiation from an MRI than you get from the stare.

She is really old, so she sometimes gives you the stare you didn’t deserve for something she thought you said. We were over my wife’s cousin house and said to her “nice rack” is it new, or did you have it fixed.

The last time I was here it was hanging lower (I get the stare). I was talking about her new wine rack, last time I was there the wine was kept in the cabinets near the floor.I said Honey “I’ll be right back I have to drain the lizard before we leave” (I get the stare)I was talking about my son’s toy lizard that that was full of water, I wanted to dump it out we wouldn’t wet the car seats.

I had third degree burns from the stare by the end of the visit.

Who Said It: Hillary or Paris?

Don't confuse having a career with having a life-Hillary
The world’s problems are our problems- Paris

If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle- Hillary
I don't think there's ever been anyone like me that's lasted. And I'm going to keep lasting-Paris

I vote and so should you- Paris
I did what people do when they do the wrong thing-Hillary

New York in the summertime is really hot!- Hillary
The government is really the voice of us all- Paris

No matter what a woman looks like, if she's confident, she's sexy- Paris
I amuse myself by constantly changing my hair- Hillary

Out of sight, out of mind - Hillary
Thank you officer, we love our police- Paris

Moldey Bagel

I'm at the local coffee house the other morning, I get my regular, medium regular with cream and sugar and a sesame-seed bagel. I look down and notice the bagel’s got blue spots on it.


I’m thinking to myself I didn’t order the blueberry what the hell is this, it turns out to be mold.

So, I say to the heavily pierced and inked kid behind the counter, "Hey this bagels’ got mold all over it!!" He says “That's just nasty, dude can you check and see how many other bagels got mold on them?”

I think when exactly did I get hired by the FDA, I missed the email on that one. “After I’m done the bagel inspection, "You need anything else?" "Maybe I can whip up a pot of decaf or sweep the floor while I at it”. The kid’s like “Seriously, you think you can open for me tomorrow? I got a Disturbed concert tonight and there is a better than excellent chance I will be wasted tonight and in nooo mood to be here early tomorrow”

Allow Me to Rant About the Play-Date Epidemic

When the hell did the “play-date” become an acceptable idea? When I was a kid you went out and played with friends after they “knocked” for you. And if they didn’t knock, you just went to the playground, basketball court, or the baseball field and found kids to play with. There was no formal agreement between parents. They were just glad to get you out of the house for awhile so they could screw like a couple of saggy-assed jackrabbits.

As kids we went out to “play”. As teenagers we went out on “dates”. We never mashed the two together to form a new thing.

Not the case today with “play-dates”. First, little Sammy’s mother’s people have to get in contact with my wife’s people or vice-versa. Then Palm Pilot’s are checked and synchronized, waivers drafted, signed in the presence of a notary public, and then security clearances are granted. A five-digit confirmation number is then text-messaged to all involved parties.

The planning and red tape takes longer than the actual event.

Sammy’s mother actually had the stones to break out a checklist in front of my wife to be sure our household was “suitable” for her fat little bastard.

The questions read like something asked of a Supreme Court nominee during a congressional hearing:

Have either of you ever been convicted of a felony?
Do you have piercings or tattoos that could possibly upset a child?
Are there guns in the house?
Are there pornographic materials in the house?

Answers: NO, NO, YES, and YES but I wish I had more, in that order. And the first NO can be easily converted to a YES if you ask one more stupid question!

“…and Sammy prefers two-ply Charmin when he makes”.

When she used the word “makes” I hoped to hell she meant it in the context of “he makes an F-14 fighter out of two-ply toilet paper” because of some obscure paper airplane FAA safety standard or something to that effect. But, if she used the word “makes” as a substitute for “takes a dump” her not so little Sammy might as well start the weekly shrink sessions ASAP.

Such preparation and aggravation just so Sammy can come to my Bobby’s house and sit in his room while playing Rampage: Total Destruction on his Play Station 2.

If you tell the kids to go outside to throw the football they look at you like you’re growing another head. My son told me he’s tired of “throwing the football” after three hours of Madden NFL 2006.

I don’t know where this is going to lead when these kids become teenagers?

Am I going to have to call the high school hotties’ mom and say “On October 23 is Pamela available for a play-date with Bobby?” “She is that’s great!” “Okay let’s synchronize here… “At around 9:00 PM right after the movie Bobby’s going to make a move, they will start with some tongue kissing… then ya know maybe a hand under the shirt, if that works out okay he will most likely slide his digits down south. “What kind of shrubbery will Bobby be dealing with? What brand of condom is agreeable? Any lubricant allergies we should be made aware of? Okay, make some calls and get back to me...”

Let’s please stop all these play-dates before it’s too late.

I’ll be outside with my bat, my ball, and my glove if anyone is interested in a father-son pickup baseball game, no appointment necessary.

Las Vegas Conventions and Uninvited Celebrities

Las Vegas Open 2006 Taekwondo Championship….Steven Hawking
International Association for Child Safety….Michael Jackson
MENSA International…..George Bush
Las Vegas Tall Club…Verne Troyer

Affordable Housing Management Association….Donald Trump
Friends of Israel….Mel Gibson
Communications Workers of America…Ozzy Osbourne
Home Sewing Association…Chuck Norris
American Dental Association 147th Annual Session…Leon Spinks
Drug Enforcement Administration…Robert Downey Jr.
Ford Motor Company… Dr Z (Nazi with gay mustache from Chrysler commercials)
Couples For Christ…Mr. and Mrs. Larry David

National Association of Tax Professionals…Jeffrey Skilling
National Nutritional Foods Association …. Rosie O’Donnell

Mid-Atlantic Council on Literacy….Mike Tyson
National Urban Fellows….Brooks and Dunn

Nevada Gay Rodeo Association…Clint Eastwood
26th Annual Breast Imaging Conference...Bill Clinton
Weight Watchers Franchise Association…Nicole Ritchie
Aqua Show…. Ted Kennedy

International Yoga Federation….Michael J. Fox

Western Beauty Rep Association….Star Jones
American Association of Gynecologic Laparoscopists …Lance Bass

National Community Pharmacists Association….Rush Limbaugh
World of Highland Dancing….George Will

Picking up the Neighbor’s Sex Mail

Our neighbors were away on vacation last week so they asked my wife to pick-up their mail everyday. She told them “no problem” she would be happy to do it. Before my wife’s new job with the US Postal Service, I would have said the couple next door is just your average normal American couple, two kids, two cars, well kept house, you get the idea.

Monday’s mail delivery yielded your average junk mail, a Ladies Home Journal, a bill from the electric company, and an issue of Playboy. My wife came back to our house with a confused look on her face “Did you know Bob reads Playboy?” she asked. Half listening to her and Jerry’s closing thought on Springer, I shot back “I doubt he reads it”. She said “I’m really disappointed in Bob, he seems like such as nice guy, I didn’t know he was into that stuff”. She was beginning to sound more like the poor guy’s mother than the next door neighbor. “You didn’t know he was into what stuff?” “Do you think he’s gay or something?” I asked. “I’m more distressed to learn about Kate’s Ladies Home Journal habit, there goes my three-way fantasy right out the window.” She then preceded to throw something hard at my head, I don't remember what it was, but boy did it leave a nice welt!

The rest of the week produced a dizzying array of XXX deliveries, enough to make Hef want to reach for a smoke. Tuesday- Penthouse and a pamphlet of the Kama Sutra. Wednesday- Swinger’s Magazine and a foreclosure notice. To me, the foreclosure notice makes perfect sense. Bob and Kate got strangers to bang!! Who can blame them for missing a mortgage payment or ten. Thursday.- Magazine featuring both sex toys and lubricants, I still have that one. Friday- UPS delivery, which my wife had to sign for, the company name on the box also appears in the magazine from Thursday’s delivery…

THOSE TWO HORNY BASTARDS, WHO KNEW??

No sex mail on Saturday. Good thing. That poor mail carrier probably didn’t have the stamina to rub another one out. She did notice a traffic court summons delivered with Bob’s name on it. Can you blame him? I’d be speeding too if I was headed to the same kinds of parties.. Maybe he got busted doing 69 in a 25?

My wife said she knew something was off with Kate. Each time my wife invites her to a Home Interior, Avon, or Tupperware party she never makes it. I told her Kate needs her rest, because her parties are just a little more physically demanding than yours. Forget the Avon parties!. I said why don’t you host a Cyberskin vibrator party? She will definitely come then, and she even may attend your party too.

Pet Peeve Number 51: Movies with Subtitles

If some foreign Director wants his piece of crap movie to be shown here in the good ole’ US of A. let him spend the few extra Francs, Deutschmarks, Rubles, or Yuan to hire a few B-movie English speaking actors to read his sorry-ass script in English.

That way when my wife drags me down to the impossible to find - art house/ lesbian bookstore/ poet’s corner/yoga hut/ movie theater to watch this slop, I don’t have to strain my eyes in an attempt to make like I’m following along. There is nothing worse than having to watch and read some hairy armpit European skank profess her love for a dead ringer for Jean Claude Van Damme minus the acting ability.

Better yet Magnus, forget shooting the movie in the first place. Just release your thoughts in a book, this way I will be left out of the whole mess. The wife can read your story whenever she wants and I’m not forced to sit through three plus hours of cinematic hell.

Some Rejected Hallmark Greeting Cards

GET WELL SOON
Front: Hope you get well soon so and make a speedy recovery.
Inside: We warned you about using a doctor who makes you undress for an eye-exam.

ANNIVERSARY
Front: Happy anniversary to my darling and beloved wife .
Inside: If you went down half as much as my mutual funds, I’d be a happy man.”

Front: Sweetheart …For our anniversary this year I want to introduce my weapon of mass destruction.
Inside: To your bush administration.

BIRTHDAY
Front: You look as good today as the first time I saw you naked.
Inside: Maybe its good we only met last week.

PROMOTION
Front: Congratulations on you’re promotion!
Inside: Now take your lips off the boss’s ass so I can buy you a drink!

MISSING YOU
Front: Thinking off you and wishing you were here
Inside: with your best friend Veronica topless in thongs and making out.

Brothers From a Different Mother?

Same whacked-out jihad looking beard. Both wish the "Fiddler on the Roof" fell off. Neither ever Tivo'd an episode of Seinfeld. Both categorize the following as his three favorite alltime "comedy" movies: "Shindler's List, Life is Beautiful, and Caddyshack" in that order.

Next Year’s Tour De France Champion: Barry Bonds

I’m confused. Floyd Landis tested positive for that illegal banned substance … testosterone? He’s a man, aren’t we supposed to have testosterone in our systems? Testing positive for estrogen, now that's problematic. I would have had been the first one to yell “You cheatin’ bitch, now take off the yellow spandex shirt and let’s see those titties you've been hiding so well”.

The International Cycling Union on Wednesday said that Landis' sample showed "an unusual level of testosterone/epitestosterone" when he was tested after Stage 17 of the race last Thursday. It doesn’t necessarily mean he cheated; he might just have a bigger testosterone producing hairy beanbag than most guys. And if that's the case, I'd take that over some silly-ass bike trophy anyday!

The following bit of information isn’t going to help Landis’ claim of being clean… he was actually eight minutes back of the leader going into Stage 17. After the stage, he was within one minute of the leader. How the hell did this happen? Did the rest of the guys just stop riding altogether on Stage 17? “Guys, I think in the name of good sportsmanship let’s let Landis catch up. He looked so sad after Stage 16 like he was going to cry.”

I played many sports and sucked at each one fairly equally. I know what it’s like to lose, and to lose, and to lose again. I’ve been eight minutes behind in a race before. The sad part is that it was a forty-yard dash. If I came out the next day and came close to winning a race I would expect suspicions would be raised.

Could this be an anti-American backlash by the French? This was the 8th straight year an American won the Tour. The Armstrong accusations of last year and now this? I thought the only banned substances in France were soap, toothpaste, and deodorant?

Granted Landis is not Lance. Armstrong won the damned thing with one nut, so right from the start he had 1/2 the testosterone of Landis, and that was before Floyd allegedly cheated.

Do the math if you don't believe me!

It was nice of Floyd’s mommy to come out and defend him. Well, she didn’t come out, that was Lance Bass who came out, I meant see just defended him. She’s not a lesbian, I don’t think. His mother says it's not true... my mother used to tell me I was smart and handsome. Take that for what it's worth.

His mother seems like a nice dignified older woman. She is a folksy rural Mennonite who lives with her husband in a farmhouse in Pennsylvania Dutch country. But I do question her knowledge of the whole performance enhancing drug problem when she said: “My little Floyd would never even think of trying Asteroids”

Landis is suspended, pending results of the backup "B" sample of his drug test. If that test comes back positive he can kiss the title good-bye.

Gotta go now, with football season just around the corner its time for me start shopping my “clean urine” over on eBay.

Ramblings about Summer Movies I Didn’t See

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest- We know Johnny Depp looks like Keith Richards but as a Pirate. We got the joke the first time.

Little Man- Hah, and you thought Verne Troyer was just sitting by the phone waiting for Austin Powers IV to happen.

You, Me and Dupree- How about just ‘Kate Hudson and Me’. Dupree can go play out on the freeway.

Little Miss Sunshine- Finally, a Ryan Seacrest biopic, I’ve been waiting.

Clerks II- Good Movie- 0

A Scanner Darkly- Prequel to next summer’s “A Fax Machine Lightly” part two of Paramount’s ‘Office Depot’ trilogy.

Click- Most reviewers wish they had the remote.

Miami Vice- If you are going to steal from the 80’s NBC Friday night lineup for the big screen, how ‘bout a little “Hello Larry” over here please!

The Lake House- Sounds like a fast-paced, laugh out loud, over the top comedy much like the outrageously funny “That Wooden Shed” or that knee-slapper “Old Maple Tree”

Nacho Libre- Should have been titled “Nacho Cheese” after the promo visual of Jack Black in tights.

Superman Returns- And boy is he pissed about the new Under Armour Kryptonite work-out gear that’s all the rage!

The Devil Wears Prada- Right before he goes to Georgia looking for a soul to steal.

Strangers With Candy- That’s no stranger kids, his name’s Michael and he’s a 45 year old Peter Pan wannabe with plastic nostrils, so run.

Monster House- The place where the Stranger with Candy spanks Bubbles his chimp.

Cars- Really just cartoon cars.

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift: Title accurately describes the following: my speedy performances in bed and my wife’s reaction, and my Japanese sailing experience.

An Inconvenient Truth- Supposed to be much better than last year's “Handy Bullshit," but not as much fun.

Lady in Water- Please tell me she’s swimming naked!

Leonard Cohen: I’m Your Man: No Lenny, you’re not my man, but you are my urologist and a damned good one at that.

My Super Ex-Girlfriend- That you stole, is now your bitchy ex-wife with half your cash.

The Break-Up- See My Super Ex-Girlfriend.

Who Killed the Electronic Car? - Great, a freakin’ pop-quiz! I give up. Who? The Electric Train?

Wordplay- I call it foreplay, and the word I use is “PLEASE!!”

Uptown Girl Headed for Midtown Divorce

Can we NOT USE the prefix “model” when writing or discussing Christie Brinkley? She’s fifty-two, she used to model in bikinis and sexy underwear like thirty years ago.

Don't get me wrong, she is still a MILF, but I haven't gotten any in so long Rosie O'Donnell is starting to look real MILF-like too.

Does she have any hobbies besides divorce? Can we call her “Animal Rights Activist” Christie Brinkley, or “Day Trader” Christie Brinkley. I’ve seen her in infomercials with Chuck Norris, so couldn’t we call her “Spokesperson for some useless workout shit sold late at night” Christie Brinkley. Unless she is modeling in Depends or denture cream the expiration date is up on the model moniker.

This is the fourth marriage down the tubes for Christie. She was previously married to Frenchman Jean-Francois Allaux, singer Billy Joel, developer Richard Taubman, and now architect Peter Cook. Did Christie drive Billy Joel to drink? Did Billy drive into the trees while thinking of Christie? These are questions that need answers people.

Diana Bianchi; a 19-year-old reveals that she and Cook had a yearlong affair. She told the New York Post that Cook, 47, met her at a toy store, hired her as an assistant at his firm and seduced her with gifts. At first given her age I thought she was shopping at the toy store for Barbie’s or something, but apparently she was an employee.

Bianchi also told Fox 5 News in New York that she knew he was married but things just "escalated."

He bought her a Cadillac Escalated? Sweet.

Bianchi's attorney, Joseph Tacopina, claimed that she will be a "vital witness" should the couple pursue divorce.

Tacopina told The Associated Press that Cook "first lured this girl into his web by employing her ... and then showering her with gifts." He described their relationship as consensual, but claimed Cook's role as employer and his gifts of a car, money and jewelry could possibly constitute sexual harassment.

If gifts, cars, and money are considered sexual harassment, I want my wife to show up early to work to start getting sexually harassed. Maybe she could even work overtime or weekends. I need a new car and a Rolex. Cash works real nice too.

I think this thing is a big misunderstanding. Cook brought Bianchi to work on “Take Your Daughter to Work Day”. Peter misunderstood the concept, he thought he had to take somebody else’s daughter to work, namely Mr. Bianchi's daughter. It’s an honest mistake

"Being put in the position that (Cook) put her in, which was to be financially dependent on him ... as long as she provided sex — that's the relationship that the law frowns upon when you're an employer and an employee." Tacopina said he had no immediate plans for a law suit.

Not immediate plans for a lawsuit? Sure, he needs to get back to the office first, then the lawsuit. He will take his time getting to the office (go for haircut, stop for lunch) that is why plans aren’t immediate.

More original programming for Court TV is on the way…

Separated At Birth?

First Week of July News to Peruse

Al Gore to address Wal-Mart executives
Al Gore will take his campaign against global warming to Wal-Mart Stores Inc. next week, speaking at Wal-Mart headquarters to executives who could give a rat’s ass about the environment, but look forward to this remedy for their chronic insomnia.

Man claims Jackson hired him to adopt boys
A former associate suing Michael Jackson' for $1.6 million suddenly claimed on the witness stand Friday that he once was dispatched to help the pop star adopt boys in Brazil, but the singer's attorney denounced the story as a smear “I vehemently deny these false and libelous allegations, Michael at no time had the desire to adopt boys in Brazil, he just wanted to borrow the boys for sleepovers and it was Portugal not Brazil.”

ACLU probes N.M. gay-gym raid
A weekend raid by law enforcement officers of the gay Pride Gym in Albuquerque, N.M., that left patrons "bullied, terrorized and humiliated" has prompted the ACLU and other groups to inquire into possible civil rights violations there. Patrons of the gym also protested the officers less than thorough cavity search.

Early drinking may speed alcohol dependence
People who begin to drink alcohol before the age of 14 years are not only more likely to become alcoholics than those who stay away from alcohol until they're 21. The research also suggests people who drink in the afternoon will get drunk before people who wait until night fall to start.

Piece of man's skull falls off, draws crowds
Doctors say a large, dead section of 25-year-old electrician Sambhu Roy's skull came away Sunday after severe burns starved it of blood .The piece came off Sunday and hundreds of people and dozens of doctors now crowd around his bed, where he lies holding the bone. After handing the piece over to the doctors, the police arrested Roy for giving head.

Operation removes lightbulb from anus
Fateh Mohammad, a prison inmate in Pakistan, says he woke up last weekend with a glass lightbulb in his anus. Doctors successfully removed the light bulb much to the delight of Fateh’s two cellmates; Al-Lik-Aman and Fahrk-Fateh-Zilye.

Putin kissed boy 'like a kitten'
Vladimir Putin's decision to stop a small boy as he walked through the Kremlin and kiss his stomach was prompted by a desire to "touch him like a kitten," the Russian president said on Thursday. When asked to comment Michael Jackson said “Yuk, he’s even worse than me, he fantasizes about pussy when he does it, that’s really creepy.”

Fat people not more jolly, survey says
According to a study obesity is strongly linked with depression and other mood disorders. So fat people are not more jolly, but they eat more jelly than thin people.

Study: Money Does Not Buy Much Happiness
Although most people imagine that if they had more money they could do more fun things and perhaps be happier, the reality seems to be that those with higher incomes tend to be tenser, and spend less time on simple leisurely activities. Due to the results of the study when referring to the less fortunate, the rich must now say “Look at that poor happy bastard.”

Britons tire of cruel, vulgar US: according to poll
People in Britain view the United States as a vulgar, crime-ridden society obsessed with money and led by an incompetent president whose Iraq policy is failing, according to a newspaper poll. They also have a strong distaste for the seven out of ten American dentists who recommend Crest.

Almost 4th of July Firework Mishap (part II)

Dad said "Yes we are interested" and asked Ned Beatty’s worst nightmare what he had for sale. “Hell, I got shit that would take down a small nation” replied mutton chops to the delight of the second trucker who resembled Don Knotts if he wore a cowboy hat and had both arms covered with bad black ink tattoos. He guffawed loudly through the open real estate in his face where teeth once resided.

As the door lifted we got a full view of this arsenal on eighteen wheels. “I got ½ sticks. ¼ sticks of dynamite, I got M-80, M-100, M-200, I got roman candles and Greek candles, I got cherry bombs and apple bombs, I got enough firecrackers to line a trail from here to Savannah and back again!!.

Our once comfortable station wagon was now cramped with enough explosive material to bring down The Vet while it was still in its prime. My brother and I had stacks of both M80s and ¼ sticks under our legs in the back seat. Dad looked back at us and smiled with the newly lit Lucky Strike dangling from lips. “You ladies gotta use the bathroom to change your pads or anything” he laughingly asked us. I didn’t know about my brother but I didn’t need to take a pit stop because I already practically shit my pants having WWIII between my knees. My brother was sweaty, ashen faced, motionless, and apparently unable to reply, but mom wanted to stretch her legs, so we pulled over.

My hunger soon replaced my fear as I thought about the Arby’s Double R Bar burger I was about to scarf down on our brief stop. With the combination of a grumbling stomach and the thought of being a castrated six-year old I couldn’t exit the shitwagaon fast enough. As I hopped out I noticed my chain smoking father sparking another Lucky Strike from the depleted one he just finished.

My brother not only sprang to life, but sprinted like Carl Lewis toward the Arby’s bathroom. Dad was quickly dismissing mom’s concerns about the safety of traveling with munitions. “Only idiots who don’t know what they are doing get hurt” he said. “It’s the morons you read about every year who lose body parts, I’m no moron and I ain’t about to lose any body parts”. Mom in all her gullibility seemed satisfied with this idiotic rant and put her head on my dad’s shoulder as they laughed their way toward the restaurant.

With full bellies my brother and I talked about how cool we’d look to the kids in the neighborhood with our new 4th of July toys. Just think about the fire power we are going to display in just two short days? It was just then we heard the loudest explosion ever, followed by the second loudest ever, then the third loudest ever..

HOLY SHIT, THE SHITWAGON JUST EXPLODED!!

The passenger door flew in the air like a tossed crushed aluminum can, windows shattered with quick and violent pop after pop. Stream after stream of multiple colors took to the sky followed by louder popping. My Mickey Mouse ears were on fire, luggage burned like logs in a fireplace. After what seemed like forever with the explosions and popping sound, a black smoldering mountain was all that was left our car.

After questioning and interrogation by multiple law enforcement agencies at both the federal and local levels, it was determined that hell at the rest stop was caused by I’m no moron’s still lit cigarette. He of course quickly tried to blame mom who hadn’t had a cigarette in six months, then asked if me or my brother were smokers.

After the arrest and the fines, we were driven to the airport by the South Carolina State Police and told in so many words to “never to show our Yankee asses in my state again’. The flight home was not too bad with not having any luggage to check in and all. To add irony to insult, the movie on the flight home was called “Fire” starring Ernest Borgnine and Patty Duke. When dad saw the opening credits he asked the flight attendant to keep the Scotch on the rocks coming fast.

Almost 4th of July Firework Mishap (part I)

I was just an excited kid on the car ride home from my families first and last Disney vacation when my older brother asked dad to stop and buy fireworks for the upcoming 4th of July holiday. Fully expecting my father’s backhand to catch me first before connecting to my brother’s empty melon, I was shocked and pleasantly surprised to hear my father say “That’s a great idea!”. Looking to ride coattails I chimed in with “I want fireworks too!!”. I was quickly rebuffed by Dad with “If I wanted any shit out of you I would have squeezed your head!!” At least he didn’t say no.

We traveled north on I-95 through South Carolina and saw big billboards advertising the sale of fireworks. So Dad pulled the shitwagon off the interstate and stopped at a place called “South of the Border”; a Mexican styled campground and theme park. I thought it was strange because I didn’t notice any Mexicans working there at all. Maybe they pay too well for Americans not to work there?

We followed the signs to the gift shop where they apparently sold fireworks. The guy working the counter said “They were plum out of most of the good stuff.” The only thing he had left were something we called sparklers. There were basically two reasons for this, the first being you could buy sparklers anywhere in the northeast, and the second, no kid wanted to be caught dead with a sparkler in his neighborhood on the 4th of July. The little sparkles may last a minute or two, but the verbal abuse could possibly continue until you go away to college.

My dad, brother, and I looked like three dejected kids who just lost their puppy. Mom, on the other hand was smiling and looking toward the sky while saying “Thank you, thank you.” It was just at that point when we were confronted by two good ole boy truckers who just exited the convoy and nearly avoided Smokey. The one who spoke first wore a Civil War type cap and had long mutton chop sideburns. His hairy belly protruded from the multi-stained unintentional half-shirt he was wearing. “Y’all in need of fireworks” is what I made out before being distracted by the stream of Skoal chewing tobacco that shot from his lips and landed on the pointy tip of his right cowboy boot..

One Bourbon, One Scotch, and One Ringtone

People who talk on cell phones while driving, even using "hands-free" devices, are as impaired as drunken drivers, researchers said Thursday.

“If legislators really want to address driver distraction, then they should consider outlawing cell phone use while driving," said Frank Drews, an assistant professor of psychology at the University of Utah who worked on the study.

Researchers studied 40 volunteers who used a driving simulator four times--while undistracted, using a handheld cell phone, using a hands-free cell phone and while intoxicated to a 0.08 percent blood-alcohol level--the average legal level of impairment in the United States--after drinking vodka and orange juice.

Three study participants rear-ended the simulated car in front of them. All were talking on cell phones and none was drunk, the researchers said. Motorists who talked on either handheld or hands-free cell phones drove slightly more slowly, were 9 percent slower to hit the brakes, and varied their speed more than undistracted drivers.

Does this mean if you drink and drive hands-free you will do slightly better than if not? I have to bring out my beer funnel more often when I hit the road.

I agree with the research about talking and driving. Now typing and driving is another story. In fact I’m posting this entry from my Blackberry 8700 while stuck in traffic, and ironically enough drinking Blackberry Brandy at the same time. I’m just kidding I would never drink Brandy and drive at the same time so I did the right thing and waited for this traffic jam to start before I started. But, my cell phone is turned off. I have to respect the study.

No Kidding? It’s been a year already!

It been a year since Jacko got acquitted of child molestation. I sure as hell hope he didn’t try to celebrate this miscarriage of justice anniversary at the Bahrain Chuck-E-Cheese.

Top Ten Reasons I Think Wacko-Jacko was Guilty

10. After acquittal he volunteered for community service - 500 hours at a day care center.
9. His favorite NBA player: Jason Kidd
8. Banned from all telethons: Jerry’s kids filed a restraining order
7. His favorite pick-up line “Can I buy you a Jesus Juice Box?”
6. Wanted to sing duet with The Who’s Pete Townshend “The Kids are Alright.”
5. During sleep-over claims he was just “Disciplining his chimp; Bubbles”, but the kids say he was really spanking the monkey
4. Rewrote lyrics for hit Billie Jean: "Billie Jean is not my lover, but her son Billy is"
3. Legal disclaimer cited for divorce from Lisa-Marie Pressley “She’s not a 12-year old boy.”
2. He’s not only fascinated with the Elephant Man, but also thinks his grandsons are hot

And the number one reason I think Wacko-Jacko was guilty…
Admitted to inappropriate contact with his inner child.

Ashlee Simpson Nose Best

Ashlee Simpson went from black haired, punk/skater chick with big nose and no talent; to blonde haired hottie with little nose and no talent. She is still un-listenable but much easier on the eyes.

Barbra Streisand once said she would never get a nose job because she thought it might have a negative effect on her vocal performance. Maybe this is why Ashlee decided to have her nose job? She has nothing to lose. Here is my depiction of Simon Cowell after suffering through Ashlee singing as a contestant on ‘American Idol’:

“Paula and Randy I hold in my hand two ice picks. I want you to each take one and ram it as hard as bloody possible in into each of my ears!” “And just in case by some miracle I can still hear, Seacrest I want you kick me as hard as possible in the undercarriage and inflict pain so searing I will forget what I just heard!!”

My World Cup Primer

I’m not going to watch a minute of the World Cup. If I wanted to see a never ending parade of balls being kicked I’d just TiVo ‘America Funniest Home Videos’ you pick the season.

I have the same level of interest in soccer as Elton John has in taking a gander at the Heather Mills nudie pics. But, since my complete lack of knowledge has never stopped me from offering my opinion before, here goes:

Group A
Germany - German engineering of the scoreboard won’t help…. NO SHOT
Costa Rica- A banana harvesting tournament they win, but soccer …. NO SHOT
Poland- No help from the pope this year …. NO SHOT
Ecuador- see Cost Rica …. NO SHOT

Group B
England- Team photo revealed only one good set of teeth …. NO SHOT
Paraguay- see Ecuador …. NO SHOT
Trinidad and Tobago- Who knew about these two? Don’t ask don’t tell? …. NO SHOT
Sweden- The women are hot, the soccer is not …. NO SHOT

Group C
Argentina- Could win? (I got nothing)
Cote d’Ivoire- Great restaurant you really should try the lamb …. NO SHOT
Serbia and Montenegro- These two drink Zima with Trinidad and Tobago …. NO SHOT
Netherlands- Heineken won’t even help …. NO SHOT

Group D
Mexico- Too tired from all the border chases …. NO SHOT
Iran- Cab driving and flag burning final four- yes; but soccer …. NO SHOT
Angola- Brangelina’s favorite team…. NO SHOT
Portugal- see Argentina

Group E
Italy- Unless you’re the goalie, no hands allowed …. NO SHOT
Ghana- rhea …. NEED A SHOT
USA- They score less than me at spring break …. NO SHOT
Czech Republic- It’s not hockey or tennis, its soccer…. NO SHOT

Group F
Brazil- see Portugal
Croatia ….Won independence, lost in soccer…. NO SHOT
Australia- G’day mate, bad soccer mate …. NO SHOT
Japan- Japanese collaborating in Germany? The outcome can’t be good…. NO SHOT

Group G
France- Great at running.. away …. NO SHOT
Switzerland …. Yodeling contest they win, but soccer …NO SHOT
Korea Republic- Is to soccer what Hyundai is to car …. NO SHOT
Togo- No go…. NO SHOT

Group H
Spain- see Brazil
Ukraine …. Vodka chugging contest they win…NO SHOT
Tunisia- Brangelina’s second favorite team…. NO SHOT
Saudi Arabia- Terrorism and oil price gauging contest, but not soccer…. NO SHOT

I’m a Computer Illiterate

Some recent headlines from Geekville.. “Google to Bundle Software on Dell PCs” “Symantec Anti Virus Software Flawed”, “Yahoo, eBay Join Forces in Defense Against Google”

What does it all mean? Don’t ask me I don’t know? Who am I Bill Flippin Gates? Just the mere mention of the word microsoft conjures up painful memories of my wife’s all too vivid recollection of our first sexual encounter. Give me a break - I was very drunk, it was really, really cold (okay it happened after the 4th of July fireworks; and I was as sober as a Mormon elder).

I finally decided to call “Shall Remain Nameless Company” tech support because I’m having trouble with spam and viruses in my email. I can’t open my email without another advertisement in 16 point font boasting; “Add 4 inches to your penis in two weeks” C’mon now this is just plain ridiculous and a bit insulting. Besides, what in the world am I going to do with a 13-incher?? Host a human limbo contest?

How you doin’ ladies? What’s that you say? The microsoft comment is that really true? I don’t want to talk about that right now, let’s just move on okay…

When I called ‘SRNC’ tech support I was greeted by a language last heard on a recent taxi ride. “Halo this is Joe Smeeth with techneecal subbort, how may I hop you?”

Oh Fug Me!! If his name’s Joe Smith, my name is Rasheed Wallace. A few minutes of me politely regurgitating “uh-huh” after “uh-huh” went by. He may have been telling me to remove the cover from the PC, drop my pants and teabag my motherboard for all I could tell since I couldn’t understand a word being spoken.

Already knowing the answer but asking anyway “Are you located in here in America?” I dumbly offered. He replied “No Bangalore” Did he just tell me to “go bang a whore??" I was really having communications problems between my broken cell phone and his broken English. So I politely asked him to transfer me to someone in the U.S. After reciting statistics about how their call center was the best in the world, at least I think that’s what was being said he reluctantly obliged my request.

“What’s up bro this is Travis with SRNC tech support” “Is there some bogus stuff happening with your PC, let me hear all about it”

After I repeated my issues twice and much slower the second time, I wondered how stoned this kid actually was. As each minute passed I was growing more and more frustrated. I was just about to hang up when he chimes in with “I got it, I got it, I know what the problem is, it’s right here in the annual” I said “You mean manual”. He replied “Is that like a book with instructions?” I said “Yea, you could say that” He replied “Right on bud, then that’s what I got in front me.”

Tech support Spicoli then tells me “Dude you just need to DISABLE McAfee” “How do I do that?” I asked, “I don’t know, KICK HIM IN THE NUTS, I GUESS?, it’s only my first day here dude!”

Stunned and partially amused I hung up the phone and recalled the egg frying in the pan during the “this is your brain” ad campaign from a few years ago.

I have to go now. It’s time to answer my spam and do a redial with Joe Smith back in Bangalore, maybe there something to all those great statistics after all?

Random Rambling Second Thoughts

I have a friend who is a chef. He has a pus-filled oozing skin infection. He makes everything from scratch.

This season ‘Desperate Housewives’ storylines had less depth than a Nicole Ritchie bowel movement.

I used to have six-pack abs now I’ve got the Coors Lite Beer bubble.

Phone sex is about the safest sex you can have with a complete stranger. A condom over the phone during phone sex is even safer.

I’ve never had any one-night stands, but I’ve had my share of one-night lay downs.

I once dated a girl with a chemical imbalance; her left breast implant was bigger than her right.

My boss is a real micro-manager. Not at the office but on the field. He manages a softball team of little people.

I have two friends who are doctors. One is a proctologist, the other a psychiatrist. They both spend their days examining nuts.

I know a woman who is a pre-op transsexual and on the surgery waiting list. Her name is Anita Johnson.

I like my shadow, but I have to remind him sometimes when he gets too cocky that he puts his pants on the same way I do.

My gay brothers sex life is much like his favorite yogurt- fruit on the bottom.

I know a woman who testified against the Mafia and is now in the Witness Protection Program. Her name is Anne Anonymity.

Two of my favorite Olympic athletes: Eamonn Fyre ; an Irish Archery Gold Medalist and Seymour Toukas; a Greek Greco-Roman Wrestling Gold Medalist.

My brother-in-law is so fragile he tore his ACL running a fund-raiser.

So Many Idle Americans Who Didn’t Get Lost

Nearly 34 million viewers caught the two-hour show finale of ‘American Idol’. ‘Lost’ enjoyed a healthy 17.5 million viewers for its two-hour finale.

I myself on the other hand was one of 10 viewers who caught Dr. Phil’s primetime special. The other 9 included Dr. Phil, Oprah, and 7 members of the McGraw family.

Thank God for TiVo…

I think Simon has officially become the least annoying person associated with the show.

Clay Aiken and Michael Sandecki? Hey Clay.. Simon LeBon called he wants his look back. Michael was so overcome with emotion at the site of Clay coming up from behind he nearly had a stroke… but couldn’t reach.

Why was Hasslehoff crying? Were the Marshals from L.A. County in the Kodak Theater with a warrant or something? I’ve heard his music I should be the one in tears.

For years Prince wouldn’t leave Paisley Park, now we can’t get rid of him. Is QVC the next stop? When the biggest hit off your new album is in Spanish.. it’s over half-pint. Take all your hot poontang and fly back to your purple house.

Taylor Hicks.. You are a talented guy and good luck to ya’. One question though. How did you manage to look older than Keith Richards when you are only 29? Keith has years of self abuse to blame. After 10 years of pop fame can we expect Taylor to resemble Andy Rooney?

Chris Daughtry performed with Ed Kowalczyk the lead singer of the band "Live," That was cool. For an encore, I wish they would have put their heads together and made an ass of themselves.

Dionne Warwick performed with Burt Bacharach for a medley of "Walk On By" and "That's What Friends Are For". Walk on by is what the plastic surgeon should have done before Dionne’s last bit of work. Joan Rivers probably laughs at her but we wouldn’t be able to tell.

I think I liked this show better when it was called ‘Star Search’.

Recollection of a Cereal Slacker

Do you remember when you were young how much you loved cereal? (Rice Krispies, Cookie Crisp, Quisp, Cap'n Crunch, Frankenberries). Then one day your mom decided you were getting too much sugar in the morning, so she traded in your Frosted Flakes for Wheaties and you were really, really pissed. Being an industrious little fella you found a way to work around the blandness by dumping a pound of sugar on the Wheaties and they almost tasted like Frosted Flakes.

Then the day came when she busted you with the ample bag of sugar and the shovel/spoon and you were screwed. Although you didn’t know it, from that day forward Mom made sure the house was sugar free. The next time she went food shopping she came home with Special K.

There is nothing special about Special K.

Then the next morning you woke up in your Ninja Turtle pajamas and gently turned off the night light. With blankie clutched tightly under right arm you marched downstairs in anticipation of the early morning cereal sugar rush and all you found in the cupboard was the Special K? You started crying uncontrollably, stomped your feet, and started yelling “You’re a bad mommy, you’re a bad mommy!!”. “I wish I wasn’t your son and I wish I had a nicer mommy, who likes Cookie Crisp!!!.”

Between drags of the freshly lit Marlboro red she just shook her head and said, “Listen loser, if you don’t like it here why don’t you just leave already, I mean you are 28 years-old for chrissakes.”

Next It’s Daycare at Neverland with Uncle Michael

I think little Sean Preston’s first words are going to be “Please mommy just go on your 'Lipsync '07' tour already so the nanny can take of me!” On Thursday Britney stumbled outside the Ritz-Carlton in Manhattan with the little tyke in one hand and a drink in the other.

Sean Preston almost hit the sidewalk but Jack Daniels remained unscathed. I bet her Pa is real proud of her.

It’s been a bad week for Britney. Just a few days ago she was photographed driving with Sean Preston in a car seat facing forward rather than facing backward, in a convertible on a sunny day.

Britney was visited by a sheriff's deputy at her home in Malibu, Calif., last month after Sean Preston slipped from his nanny's arms as she was lifting him from a high chair and something in the chair snapped. That place in Malibu has got to be a double-wide on wheels, right? "Get Er Done!"

In February authorities visited Spears' home after photos showed the singer in a car with her son in her lap, instead of being strapped to a car seat in the back seat. She first blamed pursuits by the paparazzi, but later said it was her Pa's fault; "Daddy wants my boy to win Talladega one day real bad, weeze just gettin' a head start, y'all need to chill."

Do you notice how Kevin Federline is never around when any of this goes down? He’s too busy doing nothing. Nothing is time consuming. He's spending the majority of his time sleeping in, and what’s left is used to produce un-listenable hip-hop.

Neither Britney nor Kept-Fed are going to win a round of Jeopardy anytime soon. But at least she has a marketable skill, and no it’s not daycare. Federline, on the other had seems to have no marketable skills besides being a human sponge.

He hit the jackpot when he married Britney, and unlike that other goober she married he’s going to get paid big before he fades away. I remember an interview with Federline right after the wedding he was asked if he had a pre-nup. He said “Hell NO, I’m fully circumcised!”

Poor Jason "not Constanza" Alexander. He went to Vegas… got married, had wild sex all night with Britney then got divorce papers pushed in his face the next day courtesy of Britney’s mom and her team of lawyers. Jason never even got the chance have Britney pay for his studio time to cut that country music demo.

And now Britney is pregnant again. How is she going to juggle two infants? Probably blindfolded with one arm tied behind her back and thong showing.

Baby You Can Drive My Car…Right To The Bank

Now I ain’t sayin’ she’s a Goldigger..but she ain’t messin’ with no broke singer.
~Kayne McCartney

Heather, Heather, Heather. Now that it’s over between you and Sir Paul can I call you? Email? Fax? IM? Please. I can’t play multiple instruments, I can’t even write silly love songs, but I can do whatever you say, whenever you say.. real good.

Landmines… I hate ‘em too.
The Fur Trade in Canada…Let’s get those bastards, not the seals.. the bad Canucks!
The war in Iraq...terrible, terrible idea! What’s that you say, Heather? You support the war in Iraq? Yes me too. Cheers Tony Blair.. splendid job, simply splendid!

Paul and Heather Mills were married in June 2002 in a lavish ceremony at an Ireland castle. McCartney and his soon-to-be ex-wife had a daughter, Beatrice Milly, in October 2003.

Paul blamed the media for the deterioration of their marriage. Yeah, sure the media is to blame, that’s it! That’s like blaming the internet for my calloused hands, poor eye site, and unrelenting appetite for pornography. Um..bad analogy, nevermind.

Paul, don’t you think it has more to do with the fact that you are 63 and she is 38?

You have platinum albums older than her! She thinks Sgt. Pepper was that nice police officer who helped find her kitty as a child.

Paul McCartney wrote some of the greatest music and lyrics of all time. Yet he didn’t feel the need to spend a few hours to scribe a pre-nup? Paul refused claiming a pre-nup to be “unromantic”. Note to Paul – even more unromantic than a pre-nup is the full-on reaming you are about to take.. sans lubricant.

Lawyers are estimating Heather Mill’s projected share of the former Beatle’s fortune at between $188 million and $376 million. Not a bad windfall for four years of marriage! Paul was on tour for probably a year or more, so it wasn’t even a four full years of wedded bliss. Nice work Heather!

I can hear Yoko yapping now: “You grow gril!” English translation: “You go girl!” Poor John and George are turning over in their graves or just stirring in their cremation urns, and Ringo could care less and is just looking to round up some more has-beens for his “All-Star” summer tour.

Faker In The Wheelchair

I believe our society should do everything in its power to provide as much assistance as possible to the physically challenged. Whether that means ramps for buildings, extra wide stalls in rest rooms, upfront parking, I’m all for it.

What I’m not for are all the fakers out there. I can say that with certainty because I was almost became one.

They know who they are. The ass-clown who’s Cadillac Escalade cuts you off in the mall parking lot as he bangs a hard right into the handicapped spot. He then sprints halfway toward Best-Buy when realizing he didn’t hang the fake wheelchair placard on the rearview, and then sprints back. Mr. Disability just completed the 100 meters in record time without one ounce of guilt to break his stride.

Steven Hawking is then spotted fifteen minutes later leaving the store with TiVo perched on one shoulder and an H-P laser jet printer on the other…still sprinting.

To qualify for handicapped parking in most states, a driver must have a licensed physician attest that the motorist has difficulty walking, is hampered by a lung disease, uses portable oxygen, and have a visual disability or a serious heart condition. But most of the people I've seen parking in the handicapped spots don’t seem to fit any of these criteria.

The day after Thanksgiving last year, I saw this Courtney Love clone park in the handicapped spot and painfully hobble toward Toys“R”Us. Five minutes later she’s grappling on the floor with a Whitney Houston dead ringer for the last Sony X-Box. I think they were fighting for an X-Box or maybe it was a crack vile? The point is, Courtney’s leg seemed to have miraculously healed from the parking lot to the storeroom floor.

The most blatant abuse happened a few years ago during a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert. Many times at concerts; space is set aside for disabled people either at the side of the stage and sometimes toward the front. I felt a sense of sadness as they wheeled this one poor guy toward the front of the venue. He sat motionless as the fans jumped to greet Anthony Kiedis and his mates as the show opened. I thought to myself, he must have been rendered feeble via car accident, or high school football injury.

Or maybe worse, born that way! Contorted and confined to the wheelchair for his whole life. Why did this have to happen? It’s not fair! Life sucks!! How can I enjoy this concert in good conscience?

My thoughts changed by the time the Peppers got to “Give It Away”. As the wheelchair lie prone on its side this son of a bitch went from atrophy to attitude. He’s on his feet jumping up and down, arms flailing wildly while screaming “What I’ve got you’ve got to get it put it in you”… “Reeling with the feeling don’t stop continue”. He’s doing spins, splits, flips, and then has the hottest girl in the section mounted on his once non-functioning legs for a dry hump.

I went from sympathetic to the need for a cigarette and a cold shower in a matter of minutes.

I learned a lot that night. I even tried to run my own scam at the next concert I went to. I had a cane and a limp as I tried to make my way toward the stage. I thought I’d be able to count every blond nostril hair belonging to Tom Petty.

The security guard resembled Shaq, if Shaq was bigger and played better defense. With the combination of his bright yellow EVENT STAFF shirt and his black skin he resembled a school bus, and not the small one that shuttles the kids who wear helmets and finger paint all day. I’m talking full sized Blue Bird school bus.

He snorted “Where you think you goin’, biotch?” “I’m headed toward the stage” Can’t you can see I’m physically challenged”?” I snapped back. He said “You don’t look physically challenged to me!!” “Oh yeah”, I offered, “You’ve never seen me play basketball!” I don’t remember the actual flight path that sent me ten rows back. The last thing I remembered was the headlock, my feet leaving the ground, and the consistently friendly Philadelphia crowd in complete unison chanting “ASSHOLE, ASSHOLE” in my general direction.

I’ll chalk it up to life lessoned learned the hard way. I think I’ll continue to park toward the back of the mall lot it’s much safer.

Practicing Medicine

I remember as a teenager going to a new Optometrist for an eye exam. He asked me to take off my clothes. I said “Naked for an eye exam? Is this some type of third world doctorin’ I’m not familiar with?”. I said "Listen doc …THAT eye doesn’t need to be examined, he sees 20/20 and he never ever ever blinks and just really likes to be left alone in general. I’ll just keep my Underoos up high where they belong, if that’s okay chief."

Turns out he was indicted a year later for fraud. Not insurance fraud, but Leo DiCaprio ‘Catch Me If You Can’ imposter type fraud. Real good and licensed cab driver perhaps, but not a doctor. I should have known something was wrong when he ask me to read the smallest line on the periodic table of elements.

Needless to say, I’ve done my best to avoid doctors ever since.

But, I was having chest pains that seemingly got worse each week. After much spousal nagging, I reluctantly made an appointment with a Cardiologist.

Against my better judgement I met with this guy. He’s got the gut hanging over the belt, this thing is in full Dunlap mode (his gut dunlap over his belt) buttons are missing from his shirt, he’s got a belly button you could stock Nemo and friends in, and he’s scarfing down a Hostess Suzy-Q with a large-ass glass of what appeared to be chocolate milk..

He proceeded to wipe the medical chart clipboard free of crumbs with the back of his creamed-fingered hands and started firing questions at me..

Doctor: Tell me why you’re here today?
Me: I’m having chest pains and shortness of breath.

Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me: No.

Doctor: Not even weed?
Me: No.

Doctor: Not even once with the weed? Drink Alcohol?
Me: No. No.

Doctor: What are you some kind of freakin’ Mormon?
Me: No, I just like to stay in shape.

Doctor: If you were in that good of shape you wouldn’t be here with my fat ass, would you?
Me: Probably not.

Doctor: How many wives you taggin’?
Me: I said I’m not a Mormon.

Doctor: How long do you want to live?
Me: I don’t know, I was kind of hoping to make it to the ‘LOST’ season finale.

As we’re talking the phone rings..

Doctor: I have to go!
Me: What’s going on? Do you have an emergency open heart surgery or something?

Doctor: No, that was one of the nurses it’s time for our smoke break. You can leave if you want.
Me: Do you think there is anything seriously wrong with me?

Doctor: Shitloads, but I’m not a Psychologist am I? You just need to layoff the junk food and get more exercise. Do that and you’ll be good to go.

Better Think Twice Before Choking That Chicken

Fresh off the heels of the two hour debacle know as ‘Drowned’ Alive’ where magician/masochist David Blaine unsuccessfully tried to break the world record time for being submersed completely under water and appeared to come real close to being ‘Drowned’ Dead, ABC brings us another masterpiece...

"Fatal Contact: Bird Flu in America." Oh no. And you thought it was annoying when that pigeon shat on the windshield of your Hummer. Baby, you ain’t seen nothing yet. Those winged little pricks have Osama bin Laden like intentions for us all.

A recent White House study on pandemic flu predicts a nation overtaken by "social and economic chaos" if the bird-flu virus should mutate into an influenza that can be passed from human to human and country to country.

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking… this is the same White House who is still looking for both WMD’s and bin Laden, so they are probably wrong this time too. Good point, but I’m not taking any chances, their due to nail one.

The Washington Post says the report not only "assumes" as many as 2 million dead in the United States alone, but also a 40 percent rate of "workforce absenteeism."

If fact, I just called in sick this morning and emailed excerpts of this report to my boss. He can never accuse me of not being “proactive” or “ahead of the curve” anymore. Let’s talk about that yearly bonus now, biotch!

The bird flu can even be contracted thought a simple handshake. Great, just what I need another excuse not to meet new people.

And where does this bird flu come from? Where else? China. How it is the USA gives China trillions of dollars a year in trade and in return they give us the Physics professor I could never understand, everything sold in Wal-Mart, and a pandemic or two? Thanks Beijing.

Maybe SARS and Bird Flu can have a death match along the Great Wall and wipe each other out, throw in that pissed-off cow disease for the hell of it. Then Tarantino can make a movie about it all with English subtitles.

I don’t know about you, but I’m worried and even paranoid as hell about this whole thing. Just last weekend my wife said “Honey grab the digital camera. Look at that beautiful red cardinal, that bird flew from its nest and is now perched so elegantly on our fence” I said “Bird Flu!!!” I then tackled her, hosed her off, wrapped her head to toe in Saran Wrap, and carried her down to the basement.

After unwrapping her for the visual inspection and delousing, she kicked me square in the undercarriage; I mean dead nuts, literally.

I’ve been sleeping on a couch in the basement ever since. It’s just as well since my junk is still smarting something terrible. Besides, I have a nice 20” Sony TV (made in China) in the basement, so I can watch "Fatal Contact: Bird Flu in America" and slip into even deeper paranoia.

Thanks ABC. Couldn’t you just show another two hours of ‘Lost’ reruns instead?

Long Island Train Wreck

This week Entertainment Tonight is featuring a reunion of Amy Fisher and Joey Buttafuoco. They are just two crazy kids formerly in love. That sentence went about four words too long.

A quick recap for anyone who still cares… Back in '92 - Amy Fisher; Long Island teenager goes to pick-up daddy’s car at a Joey Buttafuoco’s body shop. In addition to the body work, she’s given a complete inspection, tune-up, tire rotation, and lube job . Oh yeah, there was also a sexual relationship.

Joey just wanted to hit it and quit it, but Amy fell in love. One major plot point that can’t be omitted: Joey was married and 35, Amy was 16 and a kid. I hate when that happens. Where’s Megan’s Law when you need it?

Amy hatches a plan to rid Joey of the ‘ole ball in chain, that would be Mary Jo Buttaface, I mean Buttafuoco. She thinks by rubbing out Mary Jo, Joey and her will be together and live happily ever after. This theory is problematic on two fronts: a) Amy is no Annie Oakley b) Joey is smacking stupids with every skank on Long Island.

Amy Oakley shoots Mary Jo point blank in the side of the face; she’s left for dead, but thankfully survives. Mary Jo is left to deal with small children, a cheating husband, the inability to whistle, and a hybrid facial affectation that resembles both Sly Stallone and Kirk Douglas.

Life is not fair.

As you would expect these two ex-cons hate each other. We the viewers are treated to the following riveting intellectual repartee delivered in a most grating Tony and Carmela New York accent:

Amy: You stole my childhood
Joey: You shot my wife

Joey, at minute 25 of his 15 minutes is desperate to keep what ever warped sense of celebrity he believes he still has. He moved to LA years ago to try acting; he’s actually been in a few things (jail, rehab, etc). He has his SAG card and a sagging body. I would say he is a starving actor but his 52” waist and multiple chins prove me wrong.

Amy, on the other hand is real hot. She has long dark brown hair, pretty big brown eyes. Nice set of … before I go any further.. She is legal now right? Okay. Her body looks good through the anchor woman power suit they had her in. I’d say she is at least a 36C. Joey appears to be sporting double Ds so he’s got her beat there.

Amy claims she is just doing the reunion for closure, “I just want closure”. Closure is something Mary Jo should have used when she saw your ‘80’s poodle hair head knocking at her door.

Joey is just in it for the money and to get the phone number of that sweet nineteen year old E.T. production assistant named Lisa with the unbelievable ass.

Before They Make Me Rum

Keith Richards suffered a concussion while falling from a coconut tree in Fiji’s exclusive Wakaya Club. Keith Richards is a billionaire. Couldn’t he just pay someone to get all shit-faced and pick the coconuts for him.

How much rum did Skeletor actually think were in the coconuts to convince him to go all Tarzan?

Just for shits and giggles and after the coconut incident, Keef then jumps on a Jet-Ski and wipes out suffering more cranial trauma. With all due respect, he needs another blow to the head as much as Joan Rivers needs another facelift.

I remember seeing videotape of Keith and Ozzy Osbourne in deep conversation a few years back… there hasn’t been that much mangled English since the Revolutionary War.

While the band has not confirmed the palm tree or Jet Ski stories, it has confirmed Richards was hurt and hospitalized.

"Earlier this week, [Richards] suffered a mild concussion while on holiday in Fiji," a spokesperson for the rocker and the band said in a statement Monday on the Stones' official Website.

Keith was admitted to Ascot Hospital in Auckland, New Zealand, about the closest major landmass to Fiji. Apparently Fiji has no adequate medical facilities.. just witch doctors sticking needles in hand crafted dolls while casting spells on whitey.

New Zealand's TV3 showed Richards' wife and crew taking bags and three guitars into the facility, observing that it looked "like the veteran rocker was in for a long stay."

His fluids are good, he's receiving 50ccs of Rebel Yell Scotch every hour or so through an IV tube.

If forty-five years of drugs, booze, cigarettes, unprotected sex, and a bitchy Mick Jagger haven’t been able to kill Keith, he will be damned if a coconut or a Jet-Ski send him for the big dirt nap.

I’m just glad to hear that his liver didn’t suffer any damage during his stay in Fiji.